“The Best of Andy Reid” (Otherwise Known as Week Five vs. Buffalo)

There really isn’t a whole lot that can be said about that “football” game that occurred yesterday in Buffalo.

Week Five versus the Bills was the equivalent of TimeLife Video releasing: “The Best of Andy Reid,” with such hits as:

  • Dumb penalties that negate touchdowns
  • Missed tackles and blown coverages by overpaid defenders
  • Poor clock management, resulting in zero Red Zone points
  • Bad play-calling and turnovers
  • Horrendous Offensive Line play
  • Red Zone defense gives the opposition an automatic seven points each time
  • Juan Castillo, Offensive Line Coach Defensive Coordinator
  • A  hideous brain fart (Juqua Parker) that costs the team the game

Plus, two bonus tracks, including everyone’s favorites:

  • “I Need to do a Better Job…”
  • “Time’s yours.”

This game had it all! All of your favorite Andy Reid classics in one 60-minute performance!

UGH!

Just the thought of this past weekend gives us nausea and stomach cramps. It’s really not even worth rehashing, and in fact, would cause severe head trauma and dizziness if we did. Just know that Juan Castillo should be replaced with the second-string kicking tee and Jason Avant’s “best hands on the team” were miraculously replaced with Freddie Mitchell’s. Also, Jarrad Page suffered a stinger while he was being reincarnated from Blaine Bishop’s corpse. Oh, and Juqua Parker shouldn’t be allowed on a football field ever again.

In all honesty, nothing’s going to change. Even if the Redskins do what every other team has done to us this year, save for the Rams(*), and the Eagles go into the bye week 1-5, desperately needing someone to be held accountable, nothing will change. Andy won’t fire Castillo because he’s too freaking stubborn to admit a mistake. And even if he does Walrus-up and kick Juan to the curb, who takes over then? Does it even matter? Would a new Defensive Coordinator make the team better tacklers or run-stoppers? Would the middle of the field be any less susceptible or the Red Zone defense any less porous? No.

(*)Meanwhile, if Steven Jackson doesn’t get hurt after his first run from scrimmage in Week One, the Eagles might be looking at 0-5, not 1-4.

Should Andy Reid bench Asante Samuel? YES! Someone needs to be punished for the way this Defense has played, and there’s no point to benching Linebackers that don’t exist. Asante is a bum, we’ve been saying it for years. It doesn’t matter how many interceptions he gets (just one for the year, by the way), he is the worst example of how to play Defense. But beyond whiffing on tackles – or, more appropriately, shying away from tackles completely – he just doesn’t give a shit. Asante cares about his INT numbers first and everything else second… which is exactly why he could be seen shrugging his shoulders after giving up a huge Bills’ touchdown (which one, who remembers… or cares to…).

Vick threw three interceptions in a 21 minute span. So that happened. Shady McCoy was doing awesome Shady McCoy things, until The Walrus forgot he was a member of the team. Brent Celek let everyone know he’s still alive with his ninth (yes, ninth) reception of the season. Danny Watkins, King Dunlap and Dan Kelce made us miss the days of Bobbie Williams, John Welbourn and Hank Fraley. Just a beautiful day all around!

And credit must go to Bills’ Head Coach Chan Gaily, for keeping the Eagles in the game. Fred Jackson could have ran for 432 yards on the Eagles D, but Gaily wanted to see the Eagles make a game of it and decided to pull a Reid of his own.  Jackson finished with 26 carries, but if Gaily was smart, he would have finished the day with 50 and the Bills would have won by a score of 137-who cares. So, thanks Chan Gaily!

Can you guys tell how miserable/punchy/hopeless we feel today…

Meanwhile, Vegas has posted the odds for Andy Reid to be fired, and they’re the same odds as the Eagles winning the 2011 Super Bowl… because this is Philadelphia, and God hates us.

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