Fire The Walrus

Nine straight home losses. Nine.

It’s never been done before in the long, inept history of the Philadelphia Eagles. Yet somehow the 2012-2013 Birds figured out a way to pull it off.

Is it due to a total lack of talent? That’s certainly part of the problem, sure. Does it have to do with coaching? Well, a certain Walrus who overstayed his welcome was partially involved….

But really, the lack of winning at the Linc Col(o)n can partially be attributed to the building itself.

The Linc Col(o)n sucks. Big time.

No matter what you may have thought about Veterans Stadium, at least the Vet had an identity. Opposing players were terrified of that place – mostly due to the 35% chance that they would suffer a career-ending injury on the concrete field. It was loud. It was brutal. The fans there were different. The 700 Level is legendary for a reason. It was simply an intimidating place.

I cut my teeth at the Vet, and let me tell you, the Linc Col(o)n couldn’t hold a feral cat to that concrete shithole. But it was OUR concrete shithole.

Remember the way sections of the stadium would have E-A-G-L-E-S chant battles? Remember the nuts in the crazy costumes leading those chants? They seem as distant a memory as that snow-covered Santa Claus.

What’s the Linc Col(o)n’s identity? That it’s the greenest stadium in the NFL? Cause if so, we’re not talking about the jerseys in the stands….

The Billionaire has sure spent a lot of resources over the last few years to install solar panels and wind turbines to his dumb stadium. And for what? To save money on energy and put more money in his pockets? Sure seems like it.

In what way, shape or form has any of this helped his team on the field? Do those panels that can be seen while driving on 95 help to keep the noise inside the stadium? Has he increased the decibel level of the crowd at all? Not if you’re counting pumped-in crowd noise.

And speaking of the crowds, a lot of talk on sports radio this week(*) has been about the lifelessness of the home fans at the games over this nine game losing streak. There are three reasons for that…

(*)Quick aside: As many readers of Fire The Walrus know, I am a big fan of 9.75 The Fanatic. If you’re not listening to the Jon Marks and Sean Brace Show (noon to 2), you’re doing it wrong. Those guys are doing great work and putting on really enjoyable shows six days a week.

1. Since opening the stadium in 2003, The Billionaire has successfully created a bullshit corporate/family-fantasy world where real fans are priced out and forced to wait for meaningless end-of-the-season games that nouveau-season ticket holders are too bored to attend. Hence the piped-in crowd noise.

2. Because ticket prices are so high, many season ticket holders don’t use their tickets and simply sell them every week. Almost always to opposing fans… As a lifelong season ticket holder this is utter blasphemy. I get that you want to get the most money you can for your tickets, but to those fans I say: go fuck yourselves.

3. The team has been flat-out atrocious. Obviously.

You know why the upper sections no longer have battling “E-A-G-L-E-S” chants anymore? Because it’s nearly impossible to get excited for this team.

Sure, everyone was super pumped up and hyped going into last week’s game against hated Dallas with first place on the line… But then the game started and we all remembered who the players wearing Midnight Green were.

That’s a problem(**).

(**)So are players apologizing for losing at home. Stop saying you’re sorry and PLAY FUCKING FOOTBALL!

And it’s going to continue to be a problem. I can’t even remember the last time that place was rocking. And I miss it. Desperately.

But not as much as I miss the feral cats and peeing in the sinks and feeling the sound of the home crowd go tingling up my spine. And a home field that actually had an advantage.

Fire The Linc Col(o)n.

And if the Eagles don’t end this streak tomorrow against the pathetic Giants: Set Fire to The Linc Col(o)n.

I can’t be too mad.

To be 100% honest (as I usually am), at no point in the last week did I expect the Eagles to be alone in first place of the NFC East today. It pains me to say it; I REALLY fucking hate the Cowboys… particularly those phony douchebags who grew up in the Delaware Valley and have never so much as stepped foot in the state of Texas.

But there are a few things that I’m certainly perplexed about.

While I (and seemingly the rest of the world) assumed the Eagles Defense would crumble against Romo’s potent air attack(*), it was the Offense who took the larger dump on Lincoln Financial Field yesterday(**). But it wasn’t so much the Offense as a whole, as it was the man behind center.

(*)To everyone’s surprise, the Secondary played okay. They can’t stop a third down to save their lives and Buddy-forbid Billy Davis could get ANY pressure from his front seven, but they certainly kept the team in the game.

(**)Is it too late to nickname the Linc, the Col(o)n? Because we sure see a whole lot of crap come out of there.

To be fair, this city’s expectations for Nick Foles’ ceiling was so far-fetched this time last week that he was certain to come back down to Earth. But this was something on a whole other level. This was “The Hoyinging” of Foles’ career.

We’ve been here before. It feels all too familiar.

In 1996, the Eagles selected an accomplished, but unexciting Quarterback from a major conference school in the middle rounds of the draft. During the 1997 season, the rookie QB was forced into action after an injury derailed the more prominent starter’s season. In his first two starts (weeks 11 and 12), the tall, yet unassuming QB put up decent and inspiring numbers: 68%+ completion percentage and 276 yards in the first contest, a tie; 246 yards, 2 touchdowns in the second, a win.

His third game: 62% completion percentage, 313 yards, 4 touchdowns to one INT and a shootout win at home against Boomer Esiason’s Bengals. This was the tipping point.

The week following that unexpected win against Cincinnati, the City of Philadelphia unanimously decided that Bobby Hoying was the savior of the Eagles franchise(***). It wasn’t even a question. This kid was the next Joe Montana!

(***)Keep in mind: this was only three years removed from the Randall Cunningham Era. We expected the next franchise guy to step in immediately. Just ask Dolphins fans how much fun that wait can be.

Well, what happened next? Hoying was named the starter for the remainder of the 1997 season (keeping the job midway through 1998) and immediately went on an 8-game losing streak, throwing 4 touchdowns to 10 interceptions. He finished his Eagles career 3-10-1, losing his job to the immortal Koy Detmer(****)!

(****)Who, to be fair, only got the job because Rodney Peete was injured. Oh how I miss the 1998 season…..

What’s this have to do with Nick Foles?

In 2012, the Eagles selected an accomplished, but unexciting Quarterback from a major conference school in the middle rounds of the draft. During the 2012 season, the rookie QB was forced into action after an injury derailed the more prominent starter’s season. In his first few starts, the tall, yet unassuming QB put up decent and inspiring numbers: mostly his completion percentage and yardage totals in two ugly losses.

His fourth game: almost 63% completion, 381 yards, 2 TDs, a rushing touchdown and no picks.

Nobody named Foles the franchise guy after that game. But we all had hope (in a very hopeless season).

Cut to October 14, 2013.

Nick Foles has just played lights out for six straight quarters, crushing the reeling Giants in the second half of a game where Mike Vick pulled up with a hamstring, and putting on a clinic against the equally winless Buccaneers. His combined numbers: better than 68% completion, 493 yards, 5 touchdowns, 1 rushing touchdown and zero interceptions.

Once again, nearly every Eagles fan in the nation was ready to anoint Foles the franchise guy. It wasn’t even a question. This kid was the next Tom Brady!

Until yesterday. Until the Hoyingization of Nick Foles.

Quick tangent: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!!?! I’ve never in my 30+ years of watching professional football seen a Quarterback throw such terrible passes with no sign of injury whatsoever and plenty of time in the pocket. He was able to step up and set his feet on nearly every throw. His receivers were open. It’s like his throwing arm became possessed by 2005-2009 Dramavon McNabb. What the hell happened?!

Look, it’s not all that surprising. Anyone who actually thought Foles would continue to put up Drew Brees/Aaron Rodgers/Tom Brady-numbers is crazy. And realistically, anyone who thinks Foles will continue to put up JaMarcus Russell-like numbers like he did against the Cowgirls yesterday is equally as crazy.

Nick Foles’ true ability falls somewhere in the middle of those last two outings. Which side of the scale he truly falls closest to is yet to be determined, but we do know that Foles isn’t the best QB of all-time and he isn’t the worst QB of all-time. And that has kind of been the problem since day one.

What is Nick Foles? What do the Eagles have with him? Two weeks ago, we really had no clue. Today? We still don’t know. But I think it’s safe to say that he is no franchise savior. And that’s ok!

All we wanted was to see what we have. Now we know… And for the first time since 2010, Michael Vick is looking like the Eagles best option(*****).

(*****)Yes offense, Matt Barkley.

But at least we can start getting excited for the 2014 NFL Draft(******)!

(******)Internet sarcasm alert.

The most perplexing thing from yesterday’s loss though… nine straight home losses. NINE?!

It’s now been nearly 14 months since the Eagles won at the Linc Col(o)n, and as Reuben Frank points out in his depressing piece about the franchise’s historic streak, the Eagles are 5-14 at home since the start of the 2011 season.

We’ll cover the Eagles home losing streak in painful detail later this week.

Unless of course I can find a Bobby Hoying jersey to wear while I light myself on fire before then…

I mean, sure, it matters…

With a healthy Michael Vick, Chip Kelly’s Offense runs at a near optimal level: based out of the read-option, Vick can hand the ball off to the best Running Back in football, throw a bubble screen to Desean, hit Celek on a stick route, or simply keep the ball with (usually) only one defender to beat in the open field. He is “The Third Heat” of Chip’s trivection oven with his ability to take off for 40+ yards at any given moment.

But, as the story goes, Vick is not healthy (at least at the moment). On top of that, and also nothing new, he’s not all that accurate a passer. He turns into a pumpkin in the red zone. And he STILL holds the ball longer than any other Quarterback in the entire NFL. That’s a problem, especially in Chip’s system.

With Nick Foles, Chip’s Offense runs smoothly and seamlessly, like a machine. Sure, there’s a clear component missing and it lacks that sense of improvisation that makes it so exciting when Vick is playing at his peak. But what Foles lacks in athleticism and running ability, he certainly makes up for in accuracy, pocket presence and touch. For a guy whose feet are seemingly stuck in cement, he sure knows how to step up in the pocket and avoid pressure. He makes the jobs of his linemen a whole hell of a lot easier than Vick does, that’s for sure.

The two QBs played equally well in the preseason, but it’s clear why Chip chose Vick – even if I still believe he shouldn’t have been brought back for another season(*).

(*)Though I was the same guy screaming for Lurie to hire Gus Bradley, so what do I know…

But now we’re back to square one and firmly entrenched in an actual Quarterback controversy(**)! So… does it matter?

(**)As opposed to the fake one we had to deal with in 2010. Kevin Kolb anyone?

Kind of. We’re five weeks into the 2013 season and the NFC East – with all of its five wins – is wide open. The Birds are currently tied for first place and, more importantly, are already 2-0 in the division. Those three losses to the AFC West? Completely meaningless in the grand scheme of things. Wins against the NFC are much more important when it comes to playoff tie-breakers.

But that’s why I don’t know if the Eagles’ starting QB truly matters. Sure, they have a decent chance of stealing the division from the Cowboys(***), but we all know that this team isn’t championship caliber. Is losing in the first round to a superior wild card team – most likely the 49ers or the Packers/Bears/Lions – worth losing out on a top QB prospect (though the Jags are already selling Teddy Bridgewater jerseys at this point) or a chance at a talent like Jadeveon Clowney?

(***)Who are clearly the favorites to take the East… At 7-9.

Clearly the Eagles aren’t vying for a top-five draft pick, but do we really want to be stuck in no-man’s land? If they make the playoffs this year (or just barely miss them), they’ll basically be the NFL’s version of the pre-2013 Sixers; a mediocre team stuck patching over holes instead of blowing it up and starting fresh.

And that’s really the heart of this issue. Instead of starting over and rebuilding like they clearly needed to, the Eagles front office decided to bring back the majority of the worst Eagles team of our lifetimes and see if they could stay afloat. Sure, the Offense is (at times) good enough to do some damage in the league, but this should have been the year we saw if Nick Foles can really play and if any of the young players on Defense were worth keeping.

Instead, the Birds are in the thick of a potential playoff hunt (more like a playoff “backing into”) and, as dynamic as he is at times, Michael Vick is holding the QB spot hostage(****).

(****)Except this week. But expect him back as soon as next weekend.

2013 should be about seeing what the Eagles have and don’t have. We know they still have little-to-no Defense and absolutely zero Safeties that could play in the XFL, let alone the NFL. We know the receivers fall off after Desean and that our Running Backs are our strength.

What we don’t know is how Chip’s system works. But we know it doesn’t work best with Andy Reid’s holdovers. Again, this is still largely the same team that went 4-12 last year(*****). This season is a freebie for Chip to figure out how the NFL works and figure out which parts of the roster need to be completely overhauled in order to fit his scheme.

(*****)Though it is interesting to see Chip do some incredible things with the same Offense that Andy struggled with last year (albeit a much improved line).

I realize that once you make the playoffs, anything can happen. Hell, we’ve seen wild card teams win the Super Bowl the last three years! But let’s be honest, this Eagles team is not good enough. They couldn’t stop the Chargers… why would we expect the Defense to hold Russell Wilson, Aaron Rodgers or Drew Brees in check?

We know – or at least like last season, think – that Vick isn’t coming back next year. Let’s see what Foles can do and if the Eagles need to start from scratch with the most important position on the team.

Spoiler alert: they do.

A few months ago, we pointed out former-Eagles All-Pro Middle Linebacker/fan favorite Jeremiah Trotter’s take down of king bro-douche, Jason Babin. Now, Trotter turns his attention to the man who once let him leave town as a 24-year old free agent coming off of a Pro Bowl season… directly contributing to the Eagles blowing their best chance at a Super Bowl(*).

(*)Fuck yourselves, Levon Kirkland and Barry Gardner… And subsequently, Joe Jurevicius.

Via Philly.com’s “Pattison Ave.” blog, Trotter was on 97.5 The Fanatic with Mike Missanelli and ESPN’s Sal Paolantonio, and made note of something every Eagles fan was aware of for the better part of the last 14 years – Andy Reid is not a good gameday coach or play-caller. According to the Ax Man, Andy’s play-calling decisions affected the psyche of the Defensive players and coaches… Something that was clearly evident watching as a fan, but is absolutely soul-crushing to hear from a player that starred on a Defense that deserved to be champions.

To come from one of his actual players, and one who absolutely epitomized the heart and soul of Jim Johnson’s Defense, really proves just how pedestrian Reid is as a coach. And it’s further evidence of who was really responsible for the early 00’s-Eagles success.

Once again, take it away Trot:

“If it came down to both teams were even, talent-wise, I think the opponent’s team would win if it came down to coaching. Andy Reid got out-coached in a lot of games, man, a lot of big games. Time outs, running the football, you know.”

“As a defense, we understood we passed the ball too much. You know, there’s times we’re sitting over there like, ‘Man, listen. Just get us a couple of first downs so we can get a break.’ And I’m sure it frustrated Jim Johnson also.”

And when asked how he would rate Andy as a Head Coach:

“On a scale of one to 10, 10 being great, I give [Reid] a seven and a half or eight as a coach.”

Which is about where we would rank him too… And we never played for him. Careful what you wish for, Chiefs fans!

Again, thank you Jeremiah Trotter! You say what everyone else is thinking and we forever love you for it. That, and possessing the ability to tackle people.

Man, we miss that.

Via PhiladelphiaEagles.com: The official announcement, including Lurie’s remarks bullshit!

Image courtesy of Greg Lynn.

Between this miserable, unthinkable season finally being over and the miserable, unthinkable existence of The Walrus finally being put out of its our misery:

Oh Balki!