Fire The Walrus

Last night was not a dream, Fire The Walrus Nation…

Andy Reid is no longer Head Coach of our Philadelphia Eagles! The Walrus is dead! Our dreams have come true!

Before we move forward, let’s take a moment to look back. We’ve said it before and we’ll repeat it here once again… We weren’t always anti-Andy. He is, in fact, the best Eagles coach of our lifetime. No matter how much we love Buddy Ryan, Andy was by far the most successful coach we’ve ever had.

In 14 years, Andy won 10 playoff games, went to 5 NFC Championship Games and 1 Super Bowl. In the 13 years before Reid – Buddy’s 5, Kotite’s 4 and Ray Rhodes’ 4 years – the Eagles won all of 2 playoff games. Under Andy, the Eagles dominated the NFC for years – albeit, a very weak NFC – won the NFC East 7 times and made the playoffs in 9 of his 14 seasons.

Andy was hugely successful, but also hugely disappointing. The lack of a Lombardi trophy will forever define his tenure with the Eagles, and though it doesn’t change what he did for the franchise, it is a glaring hole on his resume. However, he DID change the culture of this franchise for the better, and for that, we are grateful.

But Andy’s Eagles career should have ended in 2009. The team has simply been running in place for the past three years, as Reid’s effectiveness as a leader ran out (coincidentally) around the same time Jim Johnson left the team with an unfortunately fatal disease(*). Andy kept buying himself time with new QBs – Kolb, then Vick – but his propensity to sign big name free agents (Nnamdi Toastmugha) with even bigger egos (Jason Babin) and pair them with big name assistant coaches (Washburn, Mudd, April) blew up in his face.

(*)And we’ll forever think of those Eagles teams as Johnson’s… Not Andy/McNabb’s.

The successful years of Andy’s reign saw him build the team through the Offensive and Defensive Lines and through the draft. When he moved away from that strategy and completely lost his way with the Defense, it was all over. Reid totally lost his shit, signed Jim Washburn and infamously moved Juan Castillo to Defensive Coordinator. That was his “I’m Keith Hernandez” moment… The moment when his ego superseded all else. That was his ultimate demise.

Hell, even The Devil (Joe Banner) knew it, and tried to push him out last year. But Jeffrey Lurie is a schmuck and his personal relationship with The Walrus blinded him from the truth.

Which brings us to today… The press conference we’ve been waiting YEARS for! It’s absolutely insane that it has taken this long, but it’s finally here and finally real. The Walrus is fired!

Now what? We’ll see…

Does anyone really trust Lurie and Roseman to make the right decision? We sure don’t. Though we do fully expect Lurie to make a brash move and get his franchise back into national headlines… you know, for things other than losing. So expect a big name to come in, rather than a no-name like Reid was in 1999. And that’s unfortunate, because this team needs to be totally rebuilt from the top down. There is no quick fix, and we certainly don’t think a Jon Gruden, Chip Kelly or other “big” name is the way to go.

All we know is this… No more “Time’s yours” or monotone,throat-clearing press conferences. No more lack of accountability and self-blaming “I need to do a better job.” No more wasted timeouts or blown challenges. No more 60 pass attempt games or the same gameplan week after week after week. No more lack of a run game and belief that Linebackers are unnecessary. No more abject stubbornness or “I’m smarter than everyone else” attitude(**). Unfortunately, no more fat jokes… But, most importantly of all, NO MORE WALRUS!

(**)Unless of course Chip Kelly is the guy…

Sure, the Eagles may not be good for a while, but it’s not like they were good in the last few years. What matters is that we will finally see something different. For better or worse, that’s all we want. Something new. Something not Andy.

For all the good he did for our favorite team – and there WAS a lot good – he wore out his welcome LONG ago. This has been a long time coming… And right now, we couldn’t be happier. This was the ONLY way this abysmal, embarrassing season could have ended. At least Lurie was smart enough to recognize that.

Welcome to a new era.

The Walrus. Fired.

And the 2012 Philadelphia Eagles are back!

What a joke… The Defensive Line finally sustains a high-level of play into the second half of a game(*), and the Offense completely melts down. This team just can’t get on the same page.

(*)The change from the Wide-Gaping-Hole-9 is astonishing.

Of course, the story of the game was the Eagles inability to hold onto to the football. On three consecutive Offensive plays in the second half, Foles threw an interception (his first since taking over for Vick) which resulted in a Bengals drive and touchdown, a fumble on a botched handoff that was returned for a Defensive TD and a fumble by Clay Harbor that eventually led to a Bengal field goal. For those keeping track, that’s 17 points in under 6 minutes.

The Eagles’ other three turnovers – Maclin’s fumble on the second play of the game, McBriar’s punt that was blocked by his own player(**) and Cedric Thornton’s muffed kick reception(***) – were responsible for the Bengals other 17 points. Six total turnovers, four of which were fumbles, produced 34 total points for the opposing team. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2012 Eagles!

(**)At least we can say the Eagles finally blocked a punt!

(***)Can you really blame a back-up Defensive Tackle for mishandling a kick that came right to him?

Last night’s performance made us think of one thing, and one thing only:

Meanwhile, after getting Philadelphia’s collective hopes up for one week, Nick Foles regressed from “franchise savior” back to middling rookie. Which is fine, he’s a rookie and he’s learning on the job. We can’t expect him to pull come-from-behind wins out of his ass every week… He isn’t Andrew Luck. Or RGIII. Or Russell Wilson(****).

(****)Oh wait… Rookies CAN come right in and propel teams to the playoffs.

The one major knock on Foles is that he can’t throw deep to save his life. Even last week, in his “breakout” performance, Foles was incapable of putting the right amount of touch on balls he threw over 20 yards. He habitually overthrows receivers… so much so, that he overcompensated last night by badly underthrowing a deep ball, which was subsequently picked off.

He will get better. He is an accurate passer and he’ll learn how to connect with receivers down field. But he still hasn’t passed the Bobby Hoying-test and we still can’t see past the blinders yet. We’ve been snake-bitten too many times before. We’d love for Foles to prove the ever-growing horde of believers right, but it’s going to take more than one comeback win against the league’s worst pass Defense.

And we’re really not trying to pile on Foles. He certainly isn’t to blame for the loss to the Bengals, even though the Offense was particularly putrid.

This was just another in a long line of effortless showing by this year’s team. And who ultimately deserves the blame for that? The Walrus, of course.

Though we’re still not convinced Lurie will pull the trigger – again, we’ll officially believe it when we see it – there are seemingly only two games left in Andy’s reign of mediocrity! Two more games to go until we’re free of living in a perpetual Groundhog Day. Two more games until this abomination of a season is finally put to rest.

It’s been a long four months. And an even longer 14 years.

A quick note:

We apologize for the lack of posts recently – and the fact that the 2012 Eagles Magical Mystery Coaching Tour got detoured – but we’re getting everything back on track and will be providing you with more of the Andy Reid hatred you know and love. Keep an eye out for a few things in the next few days, particularly a look at Bill Barnwell’s piece that posted on Grantland today: “In Defense of Andy Reid.”

Until then… Fire The Walrus.

Jason Avant made the catch of the year (twice). The Defense finally held an opposing Quarterback under Hall of Fame-level numbers. Nick Foles led a fourth quarter comeback. And the Eagles won a game for the first time in 70 days. What’s happening here?!

We’re beyond thrilled! Sure, we want Andy fired and a high draft pick(*), but after more than two months of horrible, soul-crushing defeats, a win feels SOOOO good. We’re actually – get this – happy!

(*)That Howie Roseman will inevitably fuck up.

And how can we not be thrilled with Nick Foles?! Sure, he made some really poor passes, took some bad sacks and did this all against the league’s last-ranked pass Defense… But he was poised, perpetually stepped up in the pocket, made smart decisions, protected the ball and engineered two late drives to win a game in the final seconds. He was clutch, converting four third and fourth-down plays when the team needed him the most. According to reports, he even “invented” those final two plays – the 22-yard fourth down pass to Avant, where Foles escaped the Bucs pass rush to throw a dagger, and the one-yard game-winning touchdown to Maclin.

We’re still gun shy about declaring Foles the Eagles Quarterback of the future – the scars of Bobby Hoying will do that to you – but we certainly jumped in line for some bandwagon tickets after that performance. Even before the game started yesterday, we were questioning the merits of Foles as the starter going into 2013. The sample size was (and admittedly still is) too small to just anoint him as the franchise guy, but he’s clearly getting better with each passing game.

It was even more impressive that he performed so well yesterday without the help of a run game. And this isn’t a knock on Bryce Brown, who’s been great filling in for LeSean McCoy, but he finally came back to Earth in Tampa Bay. The Buccaneers boast the league’s best run Defense, and it certainly showed. But again, they also have the 32nd-ranked pass D… So, who really knows what to make of yesterday’s performance. Again, we need to see it continue and we need to see it on a more consistent basis.

But, if the QB choice heading into next season is Nick Foles or (what many are calling an Eagles offseason target) Alex Smith, we obviously vote for Foles.

And we must mention the Defense. Sure, they weren’t overtly special, but they did hold the league’s 4th-ranked scoring Offense to a goose egg in the first half. Mykal Kendricks looked a lot better on the weak side than he did playing the SAM Linebacker spot, and Jamar Chaney seemed to have regained his swagger after returning to the starting lineup. And Colt Anderson, making his first career start at Safety, was passable. Yeah, he’s not that good… But compared to Kurt Colman, he may as well have been Ronnie Lott! Even DRC made some plays, until he didn’t.

The most impressive feat of all though, was seeing the Defense stop the run when they needed to… Something we haven’t seen in all of 2012.

As for The Walrus…

Even before yesterday’s win, we were discussing the very real possibility that Lurie inexplicably brings him back next year. Sure, we have a countdown going to what we believe will/could/should be his firing after the final game of the season… But it’s not set in stone. Until Andy is officially gone and his water tank in the NovaCare Complex is drained and cleaned, we simply won’t believe it.

In fact, there are signs that say he WILL be back. First of all, Lurie doesn’t give two shits about us, the fans. This is a fact. Secondly, Lurie’s not the type of guy to just pay someone $6 million to not be here, and he clearly respects Reid more than anyone ever should. Then there’s Daily News columnist John Smallwood’s article from last week – that you should absolutely read – claiming the following:

This Reid seemed like he might know something that the rest of us did not, and considering his close relationship with Lurie, he probably does.

Smallwood goes on to discuss the same thing we’ve been pondering: if Reid is really on his way out, why is Lurie allowing him to not only fire coaches and cut players, but HIRE coaches. Sure, bringing in former/now-current Defensive Line Coach Tommy Brasher wasn’t the biggest of moves, and it’s not like they gave him a multi-year deal, but isn’t it odd that Reid didn’t just give the D-Line duties to someone in-house? As Smallwood wrote, after the loss to the Cowboys last week, Reid no longer looks like a zombie, going through the motions and waiting to have his brain destroyed (metaphorically speaking), but a man planning for his 15th season.

We’ll have (much) more on this topic coming up, but apparently The Billionaire is planning on re-gifting us a $6 million/350-pound lump of coal for Christmas. Happy holidays, Philadelphia!

At least we can be thankful for one thing though… The Eagles don’t often play in warm climates:

As one of the most loyal fan bases in all of sports, we deserve better. This is bullshit.

Eight straight games, eight straight losses… Unless you were alive in 1968, we’re in uncharted territory. Is this the worst Eagles team of our lifetime? The answer is now, simply, a definite yes.

We’ve run out of adjectives to describe how awful this Defense is, but they have solidified themselves as the worst in team history and are quickly approaching a level of all-time NFL awfulness. You’ve likely seen the stats: In the six games since Todd Bowles replaced Juan Castillo, the D has given up 16 touchdowns, 0 interceptions, only 36 incompletions(*) for a 76.3% completion percentage and a QB rating of 120 or higher every week.

(*)That might be the most ridiculous stat of all… 36 incompletions in 6 weeks?! Eagles QBs AVERAGE 36 incompletions a week under The Walrus! 

We were the city of Bednarik and Bergey, Reggie and Jerome, Trot and Dawk. We were once the city that boasted  “The Minister of Defense.” Now we just have the “Misery of Defense.”

We have two Safeties who couldn’t defend pop warner players, let alone “Pop” Warner’s actual corpse; the single-most overpaid player in professional sports (Toastmugha); a pass rush that showed up for a quarter and then disappeared back into obscurity… Ironically enough, the Linebackers have become the only redeemable part of the Defense. What a fucking disgrace.

At least, as we correctly predicted less than a week ago, the Eagles finally shitcanned Jim Washburn and his idiotic “Wide-Gaping-Hole-9” scheme. It’s hard to understand why Andy is slowly dismantling this team piece-by-piece – with the same sense of urgency he shows at the end of a winnable Super Bowl – but we’re thrilled to be right about something. It doesn’t happen often.

Meanwhile, the talk today is going to be all about the breakout performances of Napoleon Dynamite Foles and Bryce Brown. While we’re thrilled to have two competent rookies, and a glimmer of hope at the QB position, let’s not get carried away. Brown looks tremendous, but his fumbling issue (three in two weeks) is a major red flag and he was gashing a Defense missing it’s All-Pro Nose Tackle and two better-than-average Inside Linebackers. We really like him and think he’s a great compliment to Shady, but everyone’s getting a little carried away. Remember, we’ve seen young guys string together back-to-back masterpieces before(**) and then fall off the face of the Earth. It’s a small sample size, let’s see him continue to do it on a regular basis.

(**)Looking at you, Bobby Hoying.

As for Foles, we were impressed with what we saw, but not enough to deem him the “next franchise QB.” He was poised, had nice footwork and timing and made some spectacular throws, but also made some awful rookie mistakes and passes that were simply Donovan-esque. Can he play Quarterback at the NFL level? Sure. Does that mean this team should be his in 2013? Not even close.

The larger question remains: Is Foles good or are his accomplishments magnified because everything around him is so bad? Again, small sample size. We need to see more.

A few other things:

• Andy Reid’s scripts the first Offensive 15 plays each week, right? Well every single game this season – and likely going back even further(***) – the Eagles Offense has executed the following sequence of plays to begin each game: Pass, Run, Pass. 11 times out of 13 now, that sequence has resulted in a sack, run for no gain, incomplete pass; yet Andy keeps sticking with it! Is this a product of his stubbornness, that it worked one time, so why not stick with it? Is he just THAT lazy, that he doesn’t even bother changing the script week-to-week? Does he simply lack any semblance of creativity? All of the above?  (***)We honestly, don’t even feel like looking it up…Of course last night, as those first three plays were unfolding the way they do every week… Foles COMPLETED a third down pass! Maybe a blind, retarded squirrel can find a nut!
• Jeremy Maclin: Not a number one Wide Receiver. Sure, without DeSean, he’s getting the lion’s share of attention from the opposing secondary… but so does EVERY number one wideout on EVERY team. Maclin, like everyone else on this team, is mediocre.
• Damaris Johnson shouldn’t receive mail, let alone punts. Look, the rookie FINALLY ran a punt back beyond five yards – a 98-yard Touchdown return to be exact! – but he had no business touching that ball. It just goes to show how bad this coaching staff is, that a return man is going anywhere near a punt inside the 10-yard line. Meanwhile, his return was a slap in the face to us as fans – he finally broke one, but in a meaningless, garbage-time situation – and Vai Sikahema, the Eagles former record holder for longest punt return.Vai had this to say about his record being broken (via his Twitter account): “My 20 yr old record for longest PR in Eagles history just broken in garbage time. Thanks a lot.”

  Petty? Perhaps. But we loved it the same way we loved Vai boxing the Giants’ goalpost!

• Why does the national media still feel the need to kiss The Walrus’ extraordinarily bulbous ass? Seriously, we get it, he was a good coach once. Get over it. Al Michaels was SLOBBERING on Andy.

  National pundits thinks we’re terrible people who don’t appreciate how “good” we have it… Apparently they haven’t been watching the same thing we have for the last 14 years. It’s inexcusable anymore. He hasn’ t done shit in five years. He’s never won a Super Bowl. He’s worn out his welcome. If they love him so much, they can have him.

• Speaking of which, a “report” came out yesterday claiming that Andy will very well be the next coach of the Cowboys. If true, this would either be the best thing to ever happen to us, or the worst. With no in between.

And with that, the Eagles are officially past the point of being an 8-8 team. Jeffrey Lurie better keep his promise.

Fire The Walrus. More to come.

Why? Why do we care so much?

Why do we continue to go when we know what the outcome will be? Why do we scream and yell and cheer and lose our voice every single week? Why do we leave the stadium mad and despondent, disappointed and depressed? Why do we feel the need to kick trash cans and act like petulant children who haven’t gotten their way? Why do we take it so personally?

Why are we up at nearly 1 a.m. watching replays of Eagles Post Game Live and cursing at our TV? Why do we feel like this team is just taking years off of lives? Why are we such masochists?

Why are the Eagles so bad? And more importantly… Why are Nnamdi Toastmugha and Kurt Coleman STILL playing together on the same side of the field?! Why is Nate Allen always out of position and why is Jason Babin still in midnight green? Why does Brent Celek feel the need to celebrate EVERY SINGLE CATCH? Why is Desean Jackson so fragile and why is a kicker the team’s MVP? Why is the Wide-9 still a thing?! Why would they run the same direct snap to Bryce Brown FIVE times in one game? WHY CAN’T PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL PLAYERS TACKLE?!!!?!

Why do the Eagles take one step forward and eight steps back? For every big play they make, they give up three more. Why?

Why can’t this team win a fucking game?

Why do Bobby April, Marty Mornhinweg, Jim Washburn and – of course – Andy Reid still have jobs?

The other day, a friend asked if we were going to the game tonight. We said of course. His response… “Why?!” We honestly don’t know anymore.

The basement of the NFC is cold and lonely.

Do we talk about Brent Celek’s hands of stone and the fact that he was responsible for yet ANOTHER interception? Do we talk about the disappearance of Jeremy Maclin and Desean Jackson and Foles’ reliance on Riley Cooper(*)? Do we talk about the Defense and how it allowed Robert Griffin III to be nearly invincible – 14 for 15, 200 yards, 4 TDs, no INTs, 84 rushing yards, numerous Houdini-esque escapes and a PERFECT QB rating(**)?

(*)Who finally looks like an actual NFL Wide Receiver.

(**)Now we know what Redskins fans felt like when Dramavan McNabb destroyed them on MNF way back when, and then when Vick did the same exactly two years ago to the day. We suppose this was some kind of karmic payback. Either way, the next decade is going to be a long one with RGIII in the division.

No. Let’s discuss the two worst coaching decisions in a game FILLED with awful judgment calls.

The first is a rehash of an identical situation that happened last week against the Cowboys. In back-to-back games now, the Eagles Defense made a big stop with less than two minutes remaining in the first half… And in back-to-back games, Andy Reid allowed precious time to tick away before realizing he could stop the clock. Did he simply assume he had already wasted all of his timeouts? Was he distracted dreaming about his halftime snack(s)? We’ll never know.

While Andy’s mismanagement of the clock is no surprise, it’s the decision he made next that’s inexplicable. With :44 seconds left and the ball deep in their own territory, you would think the Offense would simply take a knee and go into the half down 14-3. But no. Not an Andy Reid-coached team. For the second straight week, the Eagles lined up in the shotgun formation and ran a play when they had no business doing so… And OF COURSE LeSean McCoy fumbled the ball away. The Redskins kicked a field goal and the game was more or less over before the second half even started.

That sequence was simply demoralizing. And its totally inexcusable. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever for the Eagles to run a play from their own 12-yard line with less than a minute left… Especially when the exact same situation blew up in their face ONE WEEK BEFORE! This is Andy Reid’s philosophy in a nutshell. He refuses to learn from his mistakes and he simply thinks he’s smarter than everyone else. And, as always, it proves detrimental to the team.

And then there’s the dipshit decision to have Shady run the ball with less than two minutes left in the game and the team trailing by 25 points. You know, the play that got the Eagles ONLY worthwhile player concussed and carted off the field.

In his press conference after the game, when asked why McCoy was even on the field at the time, Andy claimed he was trying to catch up and win the game… By running the ball… Down 25 points with less than two minutes to go… In a game that was so out of reach, three-quarters of Eagles fans had already turned off their TVs. Seriously?!

This is stubborn ignorance at its finest. Andy thinks we’re all stupid and will just eat the bullshit he feeds us. McCoy was in that game because the Eagles coaching staff doesn’t have a single clue about what they’re doing.

The Eagles called all of eight running plays for Shady in the first half, while mixing in a healthy dose of Bryce Brown… This coming three days after Offensive Coordinator/Complete Fucking Moron Marty Mornhinweg defended the team’s limited use of McCoy. So why – after not using him effectively when the game was still competitive – would they decide to run the ball when the game was already over? Why not give the rookie Brown some much needed reps? Well, it’s simple… They wanted to pad Shady’s stats and have the box score read like they are in deed giving him adequate touches.

This is utter fucking incompetence and it cost the team and its best player dearly. McCoy – the LONE bright spot on a team of darkness – is out for Buddy knows how long. And even worse, Andy now has a built in excuse to throw and throw and throw… Regardless of how inexperienced his Quarterback is or the fact that the Offensive Line is made out of papier-mâché(***).

(***)Did we mention Foles threw 46 passes yesterday?! In his first NFL start!

Andy Reid perpetually claims that he has to do a better job, but he never puts his team in a position to succeed. Instead he makes decisions that severely hinder the team’s success and make him look like what he is: A dumb fat Walrus.

If the team hadn’t quit on him before – and they certainly have – this is the straw that will break The Walrus’ back. Andy NEEDS to be held accountable for his dangerous and criminal use of LeSean McCoy… You don’t knowingly put your best player in harm’s way without any repercussions. Too bad the team’s owner has his head buried in the sand.

The 2012 Eagles are 3-7 because of a severe lack of talent… But also because there’s a severe lack of intelligence at the top.

And that’s just another reason why it’s time to Fire The Walrus.

If you’re an Eagles fan who watches the awesome AMC zombie show The Walking Dead, you know that the world Rick and Co. are stuck surviving in has close similarities to the the future of our favorite football team. They’re both dark, bleak and seemingly hopeless.

While the present for the Philadelphia Eagles is filled with anger and hatred and unanswered questions, the future doesn’t appear to be much different. We got our first glimpse of this last night, when Nick Foles came in for the concussed Mike Vick. Yet, now the future of the Eagles seems even murkier.

According to Yahoo!’s Jason Cole, Foles very well could be the starter for the remainder of 2012. And that’s looking even likelier now, as word broke today that Vick has a “significant” concussion(*). As we’ve stated before, that’s a lose/lose situation for Eagles fans.

(*)We’re pretty sure all Eagles fans suffered a “significant” concussion watching that dreck last night.

Look, we are more than done with the Michael Vick experiment in Philadelphia, but Nick Foles represents one of two things: mediocrity or a new beginning. Either he’s awful and the Birds lose out (and no matter how much we want Reid gone, the thought of 3-13 is absolutely sickening), or he’s good-to-great and buys Andy yet another season. There’s no in between. As fans, we’re stuck between a rock and a fat coach.

Regardless, no matter how Foles plays these last seven weeks, the Eagles are in the market for a new Quarterback. And Offensive Line. And Defense. And coaching staff. See what we mean about the future. If you think things are bad now, they are only going to get worse. And honestly, we’re totally fine with the Eagles taking a step or two back in order to move forward(**).

(**)And yes, even though we say this and mean this now, don’t think we won’t be bitching in 12 months. But to be fair, that’s due to the Jeffrey Lurie/Howie Roseman clusterfuck. We will certainly give a new regime a year or two’s worth of slack. Maybe.

But just how far backwards will they need to go?

This time last year, the Indianapolis Colts were in the midst of their 2-14 “Suck For Luck” campaign. We’d say that worked out pretty well – they drafted the best Quarterback prospect since John Elway and currently sit at 6-3. The Colts are likely going to make the playoffs less than a year after going 2-14. So a quick turnaround is possible, right?

Wrong. Unfortunately, there is no Andrew Luck in this coming NFL Draft. There isn’t a Robert Griffin III or, hell, even a Matthew Stafford. There’s Matt Barkley from USC (who we hate), Geno Smith from West Virginia (who we’re intrigued by) and Alabama’s A.J. McCarron (who we generally like). But the point is, there is no clear number one pick – which the Eagles may ACTUALLY in play for. Sure, someone will become the frontrunner by January, but this isn’t one of those “sure thing” drafts like last year.

If Nick Foles isn’t the answer and Mike Vick CLEARLY isn’t the franchise guy that the Eagles brass thought/paid him to be, where do they go from here? Franchise QBs only make it to free agency once every decade. So, get ready for a potentially long wait until the next great good QB gets into town.

The problem is, that’s just at Quarterback. This team needs a complete overhaul at almost every position. But guess what… We can’t even trust the people making those decisions!

As long as Howie is at the controls – and Lurie has already proven that he thinks an unexperienced stat nerd who can’t draft or correctly evaluate talent is the way to go – this team of ours is fucked. Remember, Howie Roseman’s resume is no different from ours – hardcore football fan, stat lover and “self taught” talent evaluator. You don’t see NFL owners knocking on our door.

And let’s not look past the fact that the Eagles – the team with ZERO Offensive Lineman and the worst tackling Defense ever – has the MOST cap room in the league! The Eagles have $20.1 million banked. Let’s say that again. The Eagles have $20.1 million in cap room! But they’re REALLY dedicated to winning now…(***)

(***)Severe sarcasm alert!

And what are they saving all of that money for? A new coach? A new Quarterback? No. All of that money stays in Jeffrey Lurie’s pockets! That’s why Howie Roseman is in the position he’s in: he’s more than willing to keep the owners’ coffers full, while mistakenly believing the product on the field won’t suffer. And he’s only hurting the fans, so why should he care.

Long story short: as long as Jeffrey Lurie owns this team and Howie Roseman runs this team and dumbshits like Andy Reid coach this team, we will continue to go Lombardi-less. The Philadelphia Eagles ARE the walking dead.

The future seems hopeless.

Is there really anything left to say? Honestly… We don’t even have it in us to be angry anymore.

Last night was such an embarrassment – a nationally-televised embarrassment, no less – we simply just don’t give a shit. The Eagles have gone from “the disappointing family member you can’t give up on” to “the disappointing family member you wish was never born.” This is a joke. A sick, twisted, insane joke.

And we actually laughed as Patrick Robinson walked 99-yards into the endzone, after picking off a Brent Celek-tipped pass from Vick at the one-yard line. We cracked up as Jimmy Graham swatted away Eagles defenders the way you or I would brush off gnats. Were we laughing because what we were watching was so humorous? No. It was more like the nervous laughter that comes during a traumatic event, where your body doesn’t know how to react and you lose control.

What a horrible experience. We’d use the word pathetic, but we’re afraid we’ve used up our lifetime quota of the word these past few weeks seasons. This team is flat-out bad. They are awful. They don’t deserve the love and support the fans show them.

We could yell and scream and rant about how terrible Mike Vick is, but he wasn’t even the biggest issue last night! Sure, he was as putrid as he’s been all season and, at this point, should just be removed from the field when the team gets into the redzone. But, it’s not his fault that the coaches CAN’T and/or WON’T make any protection adjustments. It’s not his fault that the Offensive Line is down to college back-ups and XFL-castoffs(*). It’s not his fault that he holds onto the ball long enough to get his chest caved in by unimpeded 300-pound Defensive Linemen… oh, wait…

(*)Remember when that was a thing?!

Yeah, alright, Vick is definitely the problem(**). But he’s definitely not the only one. He’s just the poster boy for this team’s miscalculated makeup. He’s just the face of mediocrity.

(**)As is Marcus Vick, but that’s a WHOLE other story.

Between the redzone clusterfuckery, the Offensive Line Sieve, the Defense that can’t defend – or tackle – and the bumbling coaching staff, this whole damn thing needs to be blown up and rebuilt from scratch. The longer we watched that game, the more we were reminded of how much we hate this team. Besides LeSean McCoy, Celek and maybe DeMeco Ryans and Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie(***), there is no player we care to see remain in midnight green. None.

(***)Though, some of the idiotic mistakes that DRC has made the past few weeks are questionable, at best.

At this point, we’d much rather see Lurie move the team to Los Angeles – provided the city would retain the Eagles “franchise” and receive a new team within three years. Are we kidding? Only slightly(****).

(****)This is something we’ve actually been pining for for years. Basically, it’s the deal Art Modell made with the NFL when he moved the Browns to Baltimore in the 90’s, and would rid us of Jeffrey Lurie forever. Will it happen? Never. Would we kill ourselves without football in Philadelphia for even ONE season? Yes. Would Lurie’s team inevitably win a Super Bowl elsewhere? Without a doubt.

The only silver-lining is that, much like the Mayans, Andy Reid is almost out of time. The nightmare is almost over. The end is near, and the eulogies have begun to come in!

The 2012 Eagles season is seemingly over. But Walrus-hunting season is just beginning! More to come later today.

We said it before the season, we said it a few weeks ago and we’ll say it again now: the 2012 Philadelphia Eagles are an 8-8 team. Could they somehow sneak their way to 9-7? Sure. Could they drop 6 of their last 10 games to only reach 7-9? Of course. But they are what they are… a middling, .500 football team, with a penchant for inconsistency.

Their record may be 3-3, but the Birds are VERY lucky to not be 2-4 or worse. The Browns dropped a game-ending interception in the endzone on the Eagles’ winning drive in week one. A phantom offensive pass interference call handed the team a gift against the Ravens in week 2. A bad snap and hold saved Andy’s (literal) bacon in the week 4 Giants game. Sure, they were seemingly one third-down stop or missed field goal away from beating the Steelers and Lions, but that’s five of six games that came down to one decisive play.

If you take away the Cardinals game – where the Eagles had their lunch handed to them – the team’s point differential is -1, giving up 98 points while scoring 97 in those five games. That’s 8-8 football. Factor in the Cardinals game, which the Eagles lost by 21, and their point differential for the season is -22.

For you math/stat nerds, let’s break that down using Bill Barnwell’s favorite metric for determining expected performance: Football’s Pythagorean Theorem(*). Based on point differential, the Pythagorean Theorem is the best tool to accurately predict a football team’s record, and as they head into the bye, the Eagles boast a winning percentage of 0.396, or 6.3 wins. So, good news… They’re currently outperforming their projected Pythagorean Theorem! Yay!

(*)Click here for Barnwell’s excellent explanation of the Pythagorean Theorem and why it’s so important to football.

Taking the 8-8 theme even further, the Eagles are equally average statistically speaking. The team ranks 11th in total offense (yet 31st in points per game) and 11th in total defense. And if you’re REALLY into stats and advanced metrics, the Eagles rank 24th in Offensive DVOA(**) and 6th in Defensive DVOA… But those numbers don’t take into account week 6, so expect the defensive rank to drop. So, bad news… The Eagles stink. Especially on Offense.

(**)DVOA is the Football Outsiders metric that measures a team’s performance against league average after adjusting for the down, distance, game situation, and quality of opposition. Read more about DVOA here. It’s super interesting nerdy!

Between the turnovers – 13 total… 12 by Vick alone! – and the lack of pressure on opposing Quarterbacks – particularly in the fourth quarter – the chances of them turning this thing around are slim. The Eagles are sackless in the last three games, with only seven QB hits… And they didn’t even lay one hand on Eli in week 4!

On top of being mediocre-to-bad, now the team is starting to deal with the inevitable finger-pointing in the lockerroom. Overpaid, overrated Nnamdi Toastugha openly complained about Juan’s change in Defensive philosophy during Sunday’s game against the Lions, particularly questioning why he was taken off of Calvin Johnson (who he had held to one catch over three quarters) in favor of Dominique Rogers-Cromartie. Maybe it’s because DRC has established himself as the team’s best Cornerback… Maybe it’s because Juan’s an Offensive Line Coach masquerading as a Defensive Coordinator… Who knows?

All we know is that this is only the beginning of the dissent, and it’s only going to get worse. The players are undisciplined and their going to express their concerns. It may have been the Lions who recorded 16 penalties on Sunday, but it’s this Eagles team that is horribly undisciplined – hell, rookie Fletcher Cox openly admitted to throwing punches. Even Jason Avant thinks so (via Philadelphia Daily News’ Marcus Hayes):

“It’s just undisciplined. That’s the bottom line,” Avant said. “It’s undisciplined football. An undisciplined team at this point. Six games in, it’s embarrassing. That’s the word. Embarrassing. For coaches. And veteran players. With the mind-set of, ‘Me before the team,’ in certain instances. And we need to address that before we play another ballgame.”

You’re right, Jason, it IS embarrassing. The whole team is embarrassing.

And guess what? That responsibility falls on the coaching staff… Especially Andy Reid. But much like everything else, Andy will stubbornly ignore this glaring issue… You know, aside from telling us that he needs to do a better job(***).

(***)There are seriously only so many more times we can hear those words escape through The Walrus’ crumb-covered whiskers.

Meanwhile, in the 2012 Eagles Fantasy Blame League, Andy took the opportunity during his day after press conference to give both Vickhead and Juan Cantcoachagainstillo a vote a confidence. It’s looking like a tight race to see who gets thrown under the bus at the end of the 8-8 season.

So, as we enter the bye week, the Eagles’ 2012 season has reached a crossroads… 10 games to prove they deserve the preseason hype and a spot in the postseason. 10 games for Michael Vick to prove he deserves $16.5 million in 2013. 10 games for Andy Reid to prove that he deserves to remain the coach of this team.

In reality… That’s 10 more games to 8-8.

And 10 more games to Fire The Walrus.

First of all, we must come clean and admit that we were wrong…

With :15 left in last night’s Eagles-Giants war, as Tom Coughlin was rushing out his kicking team to attempt a third-down, potential game-winning field goal, we were screaming for Andy Reid to take a timeout.

Not in a “wait until the last second and try to ice the kicker” kind of way, but more so to make sure the Defense was properly prepared. Both teams were scrambling to get the correct personnel onto the field, and the chances of an offsides penalty were high. Giving the Giants even a yard more, could have been detrimental to the Eagles victory.

Of course, Reid called a timeout(*), and of course, Lawrence Tynes missed the unnecessary attempt. This is where we, and Andy, were wrong.

(*)From our vantage point in the Linc, we saw Andy signal for the timeout well before the play ever started, and weren’t freaking out along with the rest of the crowd… Though who can blame anyone for thinking otherwise?

Icing the kicker is total bullshit. According to the Elias Sports Bureau(**), the move has officially worked one time. Ever. You may remember when Mike Shanahan successfully pulled it off roughly 28 years ago, and every coach has idiotically followed suit ever since. It’s meaningless… And only causes problems.

(**)And of course, we are totally making this stat up!

Letting Tynes tee up that first field goal try, gave him a perfect understanding of what he needed to do to successfully hit the second try. His first attempt had the distance, but was just to the left of the uprights. His second kick was perfect… Except that it wasn’t! The snap was low and mishandled by the holder, forcing Tynes to get too much lift on the ball, sending it straight up in the air. You could see the ball’s trajectory the second it left his foot.

But there should have been no second kick, nor should there have been an Eagles timeout. Even with the clock stopped, the Giants rushed the field goal attempt and missed, and the Eagles should have let it happen.

So, a poor snap on a Mulligan field goal saved Andy Reid’s ass. He said it himself… The fans wouldn’t have let him leave the stadium alive. On the bright side, his poor icing attempt didn’t come back to haunt him, and we’d bet any amount of money that Reid doesn’t ever try to ice a kicker again!

Speaking of things that Reid rarely tries… The running game made a timely and surprising return to the Eagles’ offensive gameplan! Andy Reid – yes, Eagles’ Head Coach, Andy Reid – called 30 passing plays to 36 rushing plays. 36!!! Can you believe it?! Did you see Merril Hoge’s head explode when he mentioned this on Sportscenter this morning?! Amazing!

The question is… Why? Why does The Walrus wait until his back is against the wall and all hell is breaking loose, before he pulls out a gameplan like this?! We see this happen at least once a year. The Offense is stagnant and lethargic, so Reid shakes it up. Well, according to CSNPhilly’s Reuben Frank, the Eagles are 10-1 when LeSean McCoy has 20 or more carries, and 20-21 when he doesn’t. So maybe Andy should pretend his back’s to the wall a little more often.

Regardless, last night was phenomenal! What a fantastic win and a fun, intense game to watch/be at/enjoy! The Defense did a brilliant job honoring Brian Dawkins, on the legend’s special night(***). And the Eagles are 3-1 and in first place of the NFC East!

(***)More on Dawk later on…

Whether they win their games by a combined 4 points or 40, we’ll take these gritty, hard-fought, nail-biting wins anytime!