The Day After: No Silver Linings In Andy’s Playbook

As one of the most loyal fan bases in all of sports, we deserve better. This is bullshit.

Eight straight games, eight straight losses… Unless you were alive in 1968, we’re in uncharted territory. Is this the worst Eagles team of our lifetime? The answer is now, simply, a definite yes.

We’ve run out of adjectives to describe how awful this Defense is, but they have solidified themselves as the worst in team history and are quickly approaching a level of all-time NFL awfulness. You’ve likely seen the stats: In the six games since Todd Bowles replaced Juan Castillo, the D has given up 16 touchdowns, 0 interceptions, only 36 incompletions(*) for a 76.3% completion percentage and a QB rating of 120 or higher every week.

(*)That might be the most ridiculous stat of all… 36 incompletions in 6 weeks?! Eagles QBs AVERAGE 36 incompletions a week under The Walrus! 

We were the city of Bednarik and Bergey, Reggie and Jerome, Trot and Dawk. We were once the city that boasted  “The Minister of Defense.” Now we just have the “Misery of Defense.”

We have two Safeties who couldn’t defend pop warner players, let alone “Pop” Warner’s actual corpse; the single-most overpaid player in professional sports (Toastmugha); a pass rush that showed up for a quarter and then disappeared back into obscurity… Ironically enough, the Linebackers have become the only redeemable part of the Defense. What a fucking disgrace.

At least, as we correctly predicted less than a week ago, the Eagles finally shitcanned Jim Washburn and his idiotic “Wide-Gaping-Hole-9” scheme. It’s hard to understand why Andy is slowly dismantling this team piece-by-piece – with the same sense of urgency he shows at the end of a winnable Super Bowl – but we’re thrilled to be right about something. It doesn’t happen often.

Meanwhile, the talk today is going to be all about the breakout performances of Napoleon Dynamite Foles and Bryce Brown. While we’re thrilled to have two competent rookies, and a glimmer of hope at the QB position, let’s not get carried away. Brown looks tremendous, but his fumbling issue (three in two weeks) is a major red flag and he was gashing a Defense missing it’s All-Pro Nose Tackle and two better-than-average Inside Linebackers. We really like him and think he’s a great compliment to Shady, but everyone’s getting a little carried away. Remember, we’ve seen young guys string together back-to-back masterpieces before(**) and then fall off the face of the Earth. It’s a small sample size, let’s see him continue to do it on a regular basis.

(**)Looking at you, Bobby Hoying.

As for Foles, we were impressed with what we saw, but not enough to deem him the “next franchise QB.” He was poised, had nice footwork and timing and made some spectacular throws, but also made some awful rookie mistakes and passes that were simply Donovan-esque. Can he play Quarterback at the NFL level? Sure. Does that mean this team should be his in 2013? Not even close.

The larger question remains: Is Foles good or are his accomplishments magnified because everything around him is so bad? Again, small sample size. We need to see more.

A few other things:

  • Andy Reid’s scripts the first Offensive 15 plays each week, right? Well every single game this season – and likely going back even further(***) – the Eagles Offense has executed the following sequence of plays to begin each game: Pass, Run, Pass. 11 times out of 13 now, that sequence has resulted in a sack, run for no gain, incomplete pass; yet Andy keeps sticking with it! Is this a product of his stubbornness, that it worked one time, so why not stick with it? Is he just THAT lazy, that he doesn’t even bother changing the script week-to-week? Does he simply lack any semblance of creativity? All of the above?  (***)We honestly, don’t even feel like looking it up…Of course last night, as those first three plays were unfolding the way they do every week… Foles COMPLETED a third down pass! Maybe a blind, retarded squirrel can find a nut!
  • Jeremy Maclin: Not a number one Wide Receiver. Sure, without DeSean, he’s getting the lion’s share of attention from the opposing secondary… but so does EVERY number one wideout on EVERY team. Maclin, like everyone else on this team, is mediocre.
  • Damaris Johnson shouldn’t receive mail, let alone punts. Look, the rookie FINALLY ran a punt back beyond five yards – a 98-yard Touchdown return to be exact! – but he had no business touching that ball. It just goes to show how bad this coaching staff is, that a return man is going anywhere near a punt inside the 10-yard line. Meanwhile, his return was a slap in the face to us as fans – he finally broke one, but in a meaningless, garbage-time situation – and Vai Sikahema, the Eagles former record holder for longest punt return.Vai had this to say about his record being broken (via his Twitter account): “My 20 yr old record for longest PR in Eagles history just broken in garbage time. Thanks a lot.”

    Petty? Perhaps. But we loved it the same way we loved Vai boxing the Giants’ goalpost!

  • Why does the national media still feel the need to kiss The Walrus’ extraordinarily bulbous ass? Seriously, we get it, he was a good coach once. Get over it. Al Michaels was SLOBBERING on Andy.

    National pundits thinks we’re terrible people who don’t appreciate how “good” we have it… Apparently they haven’t been watching the same thing we have for the last 14 years. It’s inexcusable anymore. He hasn’ t done shit in five years. He’s never won a Super Bowl. He’s worn out his welcome. If they love him so much, they can have him.

  • Speaking of which, a “report” came out yesterday claiming that Andy will very well be the next coach of the Cowboys. If true, this would either be the best thing to ever happen to us, or the worst. With no in between.

And with that, the Eagles are officially past the point of being an 8-8 team. Jeffrey Lurie better keep his promise.

Fire The Walrus. More to come.

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