It’s Official: Fired The Walrus

December 31, 2012

Via The official announcement, including Lurie’s remarks bullshit!

Fired The Walrus

Image courtesy of Greg Lynn.



The Day After: It’s A Beautiful Morning

December 31, 2012

Last night was not a dream, Fire The Walrus Nation…

Andy Reid is no longer Head Coach of our Philadelphia Eagles! The Walrus is dead! Our dreams have come true!

Before we move forward, let’s take a moment to look back. We’ve said it before and we’ll repeat it here once again… We weren’t always anti-Andy. He is, in fact, the best Eagles coach of our lifetime. No matter how much we love Buddy Ryan, Andy was by far the most successful coach we’ve ever had.

In 14 years, Andy won 10 playoff games, went to 5 NFC Championship Games and 1 Super Bowl. In the 13 years before Reid – Buddy’s 5, Kotite’s 4 and Ray Rhodes’ 4 years – the Eagles won all of 2 playoff games. Under Andy, the Eagles dominated the NFC for years – albeit, a very weak NFC – won the NFC East 7 times and made the playoffs in 9 of his 14 seasons.

Andy was hugely successful, but also hugely disappointing. The lack of a Lombardi trophy will forever define his tenure with the Eagles, and though it doesn’t change what he did for the franchise, it is a glaring hole on his resume. However, he DID change the culture of this franchise for the better, and for that, we are grateful.

But Andy’s Eagles career should have ended in 2009. The team has simply been running in place for the past three years, as Reid’s effectiveness as a leader ran out (coincidentally) around the same time Jim Johnson left the team with an unfortunately fatal disease(*). Andy kept buying himself time with new QBs – Kolb, then Vick – but his propensity to sign big name free agents (Nnamdi Toastmugha) with even bigger egos (Jason Babin) and pair them with big name assistant coaches (Washburn, Mudd, April) blew up in his face.

(*)And we’ll forever think of those Eagles teams as Johnson’s… Not Andy/McNabb’s.

The successful years of Andy’s reign saw him build the team through the Offensive and Defensive Lines and through the draft. When he moved away from that strategy and completely lost his way with the Defense, it was all over. Reid totally lost his shit, signed Jim Washburn and infamously moved Juan Castillo to Defensive Coordinator. That was his “I’m Keith Hernandez” moment… The moment when his ego superseded all else. That was his ultimate demise.

Hell, even The Devil (Joe Banner) knew it, and tried to push him out last year. But Jeffrey Lurie is a schmuck and his personal relationship with The Walrus blinded him from the truth.

Which brings us to today… The press conference we’ve been waiting YEARS for! It’s absolutely insane that it has taken this long, but it’s finally here and finally real. The Walrus is fired!

Now what? We’ll see…

Does anyone really trust Lurie and Roseman to make the right decision? We sure don’t. Though we do fully expect Lurie to make a brash move and get his franchise back into national headlines… you know, for things other than losing. So expect a big name to come in, rather than a no-name like Reid was in 1999. And that’s unfortunate, because this team needs to be totally rebuilt from the top down. There is no quick fix, and we certainly don’t think a Jon Gruden, Chip Kelly or other “big” name is the way to go.

All we know is this… No more “Time’s yours” or monotone,throat-clearing press conferences. No more lack of accountability and self-blaming “I need to do a better job.” No more wasted timeouts or blown challenges. No more 60 pass attempt games or the same gameplan week after week after week. No more lack of a run game and belief that Linebackers are unnecessary. No more abject stubbornness or “I’m smarter than everyone else” attitude(**). Unfortunately, no more fat jokes… But, most importantly of all, NO MORE WALRUS!

(**)Unless of course Chip Kelly is the guy…

Sure, the Eagles may not be good for a while, but it’s not like they were good in the last few years. What matters is that we will finally see something different. For better or worse, that’s all we want. Something new. Something not Andy.

For all the good he did for our favorite team – and there WAS a lot good – he wore out his welcome LONG ago. This has been a long time coming… And right now, we couldn’t be happier. This was the ONLY way this abysmal, embarrassing season could have ended. At least Lurie was smart enough to recognize that.

Welcome to a new era.

The Walrus. Fired.

This Is How We Feel Tonight…

December 30, 2012

Between this miserable, unthinkable season finally being over and the miserable, unthinkable existence of The Walrus finally being put out of its our misery:

Oh Balki!

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Sources Say Our Dream Has Come True!

December 30, 2012

PHINALLY!’s Reuben Frank has published the story we’ve been waiting YEARS to read!

Sources: Reid is fired as Eagles head coach.

We’re still waiting for official word from the Eagles, which will likely come during a noon press conference tomorrow! But it’s now being widely reported…

Stay tuned!

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Th-Th-Th-That’s All Folks… For 2012 And The Walrus

December 30, 2012

FINALLY! The worst season we’ve ever witnessed is finally over! We’ve never been excited to see an Eagles season end… Until now.

First of all… We hope you had a wonderful holiday, Fire The Walrus Nation!

Once again, we apologize for the severe lack of posts in the last two weeks. Between the holidays, work and just plain old apathy towards this Eagles season and team, we’ve been struggling to get something up. But there is no excuse, you deserve better.

We still owe you our nomination for the next Eagles coach (spoiler alert: 49ers Defensive Coordinator Vic Fangio, Seahawks Defensive Coordinator Gus Bradley or Penn State Head Coach Bill O’Brien… Sorry Chip Kelly fans) and a response to that humiliating loss to the Redskins last week – which was so boring and obnoxious, we literally had nothing to say… Though the ending – Foles’ inability to get the ball back to the line of scrimmage, ending the game on an intentional grounding call – was extremely fitting for the 2012 Eagles.

The debacle today against the Giants was an even more fitting end to this season, and Andy’s tenure as Eagles coach. A perfect button on an absolutely miserable, inept season and a dismal last few years. For all the bullshit the players talked all year and all week – about how they LOVE Andy and will play their hearts out for them – they sure rolled over and quit.

4-12… What a sorry bunch of assholes. There really isn’t much more to say right now.

We fully expect Andy to be fired tomorrow… And, if not tomorrow, pretty soon thereafter. We will be here to document what will be the highlight of the 2012 Eagles season, as well as post-mortem the season, and any remaining issues we haven’t touched upon in the last few weeks – particularly, what Dramavan McNabb said about Eagles fans this past week.

And don’t worry, FTW Nation… Even with Andy’s ouster, we’re not going anywhere. We love being able to vent and rant and rave to you about all things Eagles, and are thankful every day that you keep coming back to share in our collective misery. So, as long as The Billionaire owns this team, we’ll be here. As long as Howie Roseman is making football decisions, we’ll be here. No matter who the next coach is, we’ll be here. No matter where The Walrus ends up, we’ll be here.

Fire The Walrus is bigger than Andy Reid(*). As long as you’ll have us, we’ll be here.

(*)Which is saying a lot.

For now, at least, our local nightmare is finally over. Let the sweeping changes and mass firings begin!

More to come soon. But until then… Happy New Year Coach!

Andy Reid: It’s Been… Something

December 30, 2012

Courtesy of and @polkpanther:

It's Been A Thing

Thanks to @perezsolomon for sending this along!

This Is The End

December 30, 2012

This is the end
Fat ugly friend
This is the end
My Walrus friend, the end

This is it! We’re finally here! The end of this putrid, never-ending shitshow of a season and, much more importantly, The Walrus’ last game as Head Coach of the Philadelphia Eagles(*).

(*)Unless Lurie kicks us all in the teeth.

According to league sources, Reid has even begun to piece a coaching staff together for his next move! And while some sources have Reid destined for sunny San Diego, others have him on the outside looking in when it comes to a job in 2013. Or even better… Jacksonville(**)!

(**)Where we know Douchebag Babin will be THRILLED to be reunited with the Stalin-esque Walrus!

All we know, is that this is it. This is the end! And all we can hear this morning is the sweet, haunting sounds of Jim Morrison’s voice:

Dead Walrus Walking Swimming Floating.