NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: The Walrus Migrates To Landlocked Kansas City, BBQ Restaurants Rejoice

January 4, 2013

While Fire The Walrus will continue to exist as an Eagles “watchdog” site(*), we feel like we must comment on the news today, as our not-so-dearly departed Walrus has surfaced in Kansas City, where he’ll now preside over the perennially putrid Chiefs.

(*)And currently, we’re watching this clusterfuck of a Head Coaching search by the team’s “brain” trust. More on that to come shortly.

And we rejoice!

While we fear that Andy will eventually go on to win a Super Bowl somewhere else(**), we’re pretty sure this move sets those fears back at least a few years. The Chiefs are bad. Particularly on Offense.

(**)Which is clearly our destiny as Philly sports fans…

The Walrus takes over a team that doesn’t really have a Quarterback – though we assume his QB-coaching abilities could possibly revive Matt Cassel’s career… Not so much for Brady Quinn though. The Chiefs have absolutely NO receivers beyond Dwayne Bowe, who is expected to leave this offseason, but they do feature a really good Running Back, who will now waste away with only 10 carries a game… Sucks to be you, Jamaal Charles!

Meanwhile, we saw a comment from a Chiefs fan that made us absolutely die with laughter: “Now Andy, you have to add a POWER running game with a 240 lb. Running Back to your arsenal. You do that and you’ll finally bring the Chiefs a championship!” Good luck with that Chief fans… Welcome to our world for the past 14 years!

And while Andy inherits a half-decent Defense with a nice young core – Tamba Hali, Derrick Johnson, Brandon Flowers – he still needs to hire a Defensive Coordinator. By our count, he’s 1-for-4 in that task over his career.

Coincidentally, Andy does now possesses the #1 overall pick in this April’s draft. Assuming he doesn’t trade it away in order to pick twice in the second round(***), Chiefs fans will most definitely get to enjoy Matt Barkley or Geno Smith for the next few seasons… until they inevitably flame out. So, good luck with that!

(***)The Andy Reid Special!

Don’t get us wrong, we fully expect Andy to transform KC – the second-losingest franchise in football over the last seven years – into a legitimate team and possibly a playoff team sooner rather than later. They do, after all, preside in the worst division in the NFL, and with very little Offensive talent, Reid has the ability to completely build the team the way he wants.

But until he finds a real Defensive counterpart and a franchise Quarterback, he’s a 9-7 coach, at best. We know that all too well.

So, have fun Chiefs fans… You’re likely thrilled to have your first coach with an actual pedigree since Dick Vermeil. But much like Vermeil, and Marty Schottenheimer before him, a name coach doesn’t guarantee playoff success.

Hey… At least he’s not Romeo Crennel!

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Sources Say Our Dream Has Come True!

December 30, 2012

PHINALLY!’s Reuben Frank has published the story we’ve been waiting YEARS to read!

Sources: Reid is fired as Eagles head coach.

We’re still waiting for official word from the Eagles, which will likely come during a noon press conference tomorrow! But it’s now being widely reported…

Stay tuned!

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Th-Th-Th-That’s All Folks… For 2012 And The Walrus

December 30, 2012

FINALLY! The worst season we’ve ever witnessed is finally over! We’ve never been excited to see an Eagles season end… Until now.

First of all… We hope you had a wonderful holiday, Fire The Walrus Nation!

Once again, we apologize for the severe lack of posts in the last two weeks. Between the holidays, work and just plain old apathy towards this Eagles season and team, we’ve been struggling to get something up. But there is no excuse, you deserve better.

We still owe you our nomination for the next Eagles coach (spoiler alert: 49ers Defensive Coordinator Vic Fangio, Seahawks Defensive Coordinator Gus Bradley or Penn State Head Coach Bill O’Brien… Sorry Chip Kelly fans) and a response to that humiliating loss to the Redskins last week – which was so boring and obnoxious, we literally had nothing to say… Though the ending – Foles’ inability to get the ball back to the line of scrimmage, ending the game on an intentional grounding call – was extremely fitting for the 2012 Eagles.

The debacle today against the Giants was an even more fitting end to this season, and Andy’s tenure as Eagles coach. A perfect button on an absolutely miserable, inept season and a dismal last few years. For all the bullshit the players talked all year and all week – about how they LOVE Andy and will play their hearts out for them – they sure rolled over and quit.

4-12… What a sorry bunch of assholes. There really isn’t much more to say right now.

We fully expect Andy to be fired tomorrow… And, if not tomorrow, pretty soon thereafter. We will be here to document what will be the highlight of the 2012 Eagles season, as well as post-mortem the season, and any remaining issues we haven’t touched upon in the last few weeks – particularly, what Dramavan McNabb said about Eagles fans this past week.

And don’t worry, FTW Nation… Even with Andy’s ouster, we’re not going anywhere. We love being able to vent and rant and rave to you about all things Eagles, and are thankful every day that you keep coming back to share in our collective misery. So, as long as The Billionaire owns this team, we’ll be here. As long as Howie Roseman is making football decisions, we’ll be here. No matter who the next coach is, we’ll be here. No matter where The Walrus ends up, we’ll be here.

Fire The Walrus is bigger than Andy Reid(*). As long as you’ll have us, we’ll be here.

(*)Which is saying a lot.

For now, at least, our local nightmare is finally over. Let the sweeping changes and mass firings begin!

More to come soon. But until then… Happy New Year Coach!

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: The Eagles Win A Game!!!

December 9, 2012

A win at last. A win at last. Oh thank Buddy, a win at last.

Jolly Reid

(GIF courtesy of @dhm)

So THIS is what it’s like to be happy during the 2012 NFL season! Who knew?!

More to come later… Let’s actually enjoy this one for a little.

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Eagles Sack Babin!

November 27, 2012

Merry early-Christmas, Eagles fans!

Mere hours after we lambasted Andy for not making a single change or holding any of his players accountable for being lethargic, overpaid crybabies, the Eagles announced that they have released two-time Pro Bowl Defensive End and all-around piece of shit, Jason Babin!

This comes less than a year after Babin threatened Reggie White’s Eagles single-season sack record and less than a month after Babin took offense to fans taking offense to his play. Babin, much like every other member of the team’s Defense not named DeMeco Ryans, has been atrocious all season, so this really doesn’t come as a surprise.

We can’t stress enough how much disdain we have for “Bro Douché” Babin. We were furious last year when he was mentioned in the same breath as Reggie and we wished him bodily harm when he called out fans this year. He is completely useless against the run and fell off so badly as a pass rushing force that team’s stopped double-teaming him.

Babin epitomized everything that is awful and wrong with this current Eagles team, so to watch him leave in such spectacular fashion is a pleasure(*)! Meanwhile, Babin’s departure opens the door for rookie end Vinny Curry, who looked really good last night in his first playing time of the season.

(*)Man, being this excited over a player getting cut is a testament to just how awful this Eagles team truly is…

So, is this Andy’s last ditch effort at appearing to be a leader? Perhaps. Is this just the first domino to drop, in what will surely be a complete roster and coaching staff overhaul? You bet!

Now that his biggest cheerleader and the poster boy for his idiotic scheme is finally gone, it looks like Defensive Line Coach Jim Washburn’s time in Philly is also over. Thank Buddy! May we never have to talk about the Wide-9 ever again!

And all of a sudden, some of the anger we felt earlier today has begun to subside. Slightly.

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Andy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Appearance

November 22, 2012

You gotta give Andy Reid credit…

Even in his embattled state, he still came out to lead a float in 6ABC’s Corporate Sponsored-Thanksgiving Day Parade:

Andy Reid Leads Parade Float

Let’s all hope he falls into a Tryptophan coma and can’t coach on Monday Night!

Happy Thanksgiving!


November 18, 2012

We proudly present to you… the greatest thing ever made about the stubborn awfulness that is Andy Reid:

This absolutely makes up for the atrocity that was our favorite team today. Watch it, share it, love it!

Thanks to Gus Stowe for sending this along to us, and Casey Conklin and Big Machine Records, LLC for making this a thing! We are forever indebted to you all!