NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: The Walrus Migrates To Landlocked Kansas City, BBQ Restaurants Rejoice

January 4, 2013

While Fire The Walrus will continue to exist as an Eagles “watchdog” site(*), we feel like we must comment on the news today, as our not-so-dearly departed Walrus has surfaced in Kansas City, where he’ll now preside over the perennially putrid Chiefs.

(*)And currently, we’re watching this clusterfuck of a Head Coaching search by the team’s “brain” trust. More on that to come shortly.

And we rejoice!

While we fear that Andy will eventually go on to win a Super Bowl somewhere else(**), we’re pretty sure this move sets those fears back at least a few years. The Chiefs are bad. Particularly on Offense.

(**)Which is clearly our destiny as Philly sports fans…

The Walrus takes over a team that doesn’t really have a Quarterback – though we assume his QB-coaching abilities could possibly revive Matt Cassel’s career… Not so much for Brady Quinn though. The Chiefs have absolutely NO receivers beyond Dwayne Bowe, who is expected to leave this offseason, but they do feature a really good Running Back, who will now waste away with only 10 carries a game… Sucks to be you, Jamaal Charles!

Meanwhile, we saw a comment from a Chiefs fan that made us absolutely die with laughter: “Now Andy, you have to add a POWER running game with a 240 lb. Running Back to your arsenal. You do that and you’ll finally bring the Chiefs a championship!” Good luck with that Chief fans… Welcome to our world for the past 14 years!

And while Andy inherits a half-decent Defense with a nice young core – Tamba Hali, Derrick Johnson, Brandon Flowers – he still needs to hire a Defensive Coordinator. By our count, he’s 1-for-4 in that task over his career.

Coincidentally, Andy does now possesses the #1 overall pick in this April’s draft. Assuming he doesn’t trade it away in order to pick twice in the second round(***), Chiefs fans will most definitely get to enjoy Matt Barkley or Geno Smith for the next few seasons… until they inevitably flame out. So, good luck with that!

(***)The Andy Reid Special!

Don’t get us wrong, we fully expect Andy to transform KC – the second-losingest franchise in football over the last seven years – into a legitimate team and possibly a playoff team sooner rather than later. They do, after all, preside in the worst division in the NFL, and with very little Offensive talent, Reid has the ability to completely build the team the way he wants.

But until he finds a real Defensive counterpart and a franchise Quarterback, he’s a 9-7 coach, at best. We know that all too well.

So, have fun Chiefs fans… You’re likely thrilled to have your first coach with an actual pedigree since Dick Vermeil. But much like Vermeil, and Marty Schottenheimer before him, a name coach doesn’t guarantee playoff success.

Hey… At least he’s not Romeo Crennel!

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Sources Say Our Dream Has Come True!

December 30, 2012

PHINALLY!’s Reuben Frank has published the story we’ve been waiting YEARS to read!

Sources: Reid is fired as Eagles head coach.

We’re still waiting for official word from the Eagles, which will likely come during a noon press conference tomorrow! But it’s now being widely reported…

Stay tuned!

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Th-Th-Th-That’s All Folks… For 2012 And The Walrus

December 30, 2012

FINALLY! The worst season we’ve ever witnessed is finally over! We’ve never been excited to see an Eagles season end… Until now.

First of all… We hope you had a wonderful holiday, Fire The Walrus Nation!

Once again, we apologize for the severe lack of posts in the last two weeks. Between the holidays, work and just plain old apathy towards this Eagles season and team, we’ve been struggling to get something up. But there is no excuse, you deserve better.

We still owe you our nomination for the next Eagles coach (spoiler alert: 49ers Defensive Coordinator Vic Fangio, Seahawks Defensive Coordinator Gus Bradley or Penn State Head Coach Bill O’Brien… Sorry Chip Kelly fans) and a response to that humiliating loss to the Redskins last week – which was so boring and obnoxious, we literally had nothing to say… Though the ending – Foles’ inability to get the ball back to the line of scrimmage, ending the game on an intentional grounding call – was extremely fitting for the 2012 Eagles.

The debacle today against the Giants was an even more fitting end to this season, and Andy’s tenure as Eagles coach. A perfect button on an absolutely miserable, inept season and a dismal last few years. For all the bullshit the players talked all year and all week – about how they LOVE Andy and will play their hearts out for them – they sure rolled over and quit.

4-12… What a sorry bunch of assholes. There really isn’t much more to say right now.

We fully expect Andy to be fired tomorrow… And, if not tomorrow, pretty soon thereafter. We will be here to document what will be the highlight of the 2012 Eagles season, as well as post-mortem the season, and any remaining issues we haven’t touched upon in the last few weeks – particularly, what Dramavan McNabb said about Eagles fans this past week.

And don’t worry, FTW Nation… Even with Andy’s ouster, we’re not going anywhere. We love being able to vent and rant and rave to you about all things Eagles, and are thankful every day that you keep coming back to share in our collective misery. So, as long as The Billionaire owns this team, we’ll be here. As long as Howie Roseman is making football decisions, we’ll be here. No matter who the next coach is, we’ll be here. No matter where The Walrus ends up, we’ll be here.

Fire The Walrus is bigger than Andy Reid(*). As long as you’ll have us, we’ll be here.

(*)Which is saying a lot.

For now, at least, our local nightmare is finally over. Let the sweeping changes and mass firings begin!

More to come soon. But until then… Happy New Year Coach!

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: The Eagles Win A Game!!!

December 9, 2012

A win at last. A win at last. Oh thank Buddy, a win at last.

Jolly Reid

(GIF courtesy of @dhm)

So THIS is what it’s like to be happy during the 2012 NFL season! Who knew?!

More to come later… Let’s actually enjoy this one for a little.

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Eagles Sack Babin!

November 27, 2012

Merry early-Christmas, Eagles fans!

Mere hours after we lambasted Andy for not making a single change or holding any of his players accountable for being lethargic, overpaid crybabies, the Eagles announced that they have released two-time Pro Bowl Defensive End and all-around piece of shit, Jason Babin!

This comes less than a year after Babin threatened Reggie White’s Eagles single-season sack record and less than a month after Babin took offense to fans taking offense to his play. Babin, much like every other member of the team’s Defense not named DeMeco Ryans, has been atrocious all season, so this really doesn’t come as a surprise.

We can’t stress enough how much disdain we have for “Bro Douché” Babin. We were furious last year when he was mentioned in the same breath as Reggie and we wished him bodily harm when he called out fans this year. He is completely useless against the run and fell off so badly as a pass rushing force that team’s stopped double-teaming him.

Babin epitomized everything that is awful and wrong with this current Eagles team, so to watch him leave in such spectacular fashion is a pleasure(*)! Meanwhile, Babin’s departure opens the door for rookie end Vinny Curry, who looked really good last night in his first playing time of the season.

(*)Man, being this excited over a player getting cut is a testament to just how awful this Eagles team truly is…

So, is this Andy’s last ditch effort at appearing to be a leader? Perhaps. Is this just the first domino to drop, in what will surely be a complete roster and coaching staff overhaul? You bet!

Now that his biggest cheerleader and the poster boy for his idiotic scheme is finally gone, it looks like Defensive Line Coach Jim Washburn’s time in Philly is also over. Thank Buddy! May we never have to talk about the Wide-9 ever again!

And all of a sudden, some of the anger we felt earlier today has begun to subside. Slightly.

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Andy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Appearance

November 22, 2012

You gotta give Andy Reid credit…

Even in his embattled state, he still came out to lead a float in 6ABC’s Corporate Sponsored-Thanksgiving Day Parade:

Andy Reid Leads Parade Float

Let’s all hope he falls into a Tryptophan coma and can’t coach on Monday Night!

Happy Thanksgiving!


November 18, 2012

We proudly present to you… the greatest thing ever made about the stubborn awfulness that is Andy Reid:

This absolutely makes up for the atrocity that was our favorite team today. Watch it, share it, love it!

Thanks to Gus Stowe for sending this along to us, and Casey Conklin and Big Machine Records, LLC for making this a thing! We are forever indebted to you all!

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Welcome To Rock Bottom

November 18, 2012

Nick Foles passed the ball 46 times. Kurt Coleman tackled two Redskins players INTO the endzone. LeSean McCoy was carted off the field on a completely meaningless play with less than two minutes left and the team down by 25 points(*). The Eagles have lost six straight games. Welcome to rock bottom.

(*)He officially has a concussion, according to Andy’s postgame bullshitfest press conference.

This is a team that couldn’t put up more than six points against the league’s 27th ranked Defense, a unit that has given up the 5th most points in 2012! The Eagles are one of the sorriest teams in the league and are officially in the hunt for the number one overall pick. That’s all we have to look forward to anymore. And the way this season is going, they’ll somehow fuck that up too.

The 2012 Eagles are one of the worst teams we’ve ever followed. It’s their first six game losing streak since the 1994 season – also known as Rich Kotite’s last hurrah – and they’re on pace to match the 1998 vintage’s 3-13 record. This team doesn’t need a new coach, it needs an exorcism! The 2012 Eagles were built on an indian burial ground… It’s time to burn the whole thing to the ground and salt the Earth.

What more is there to say?

How many different ways can we say this team is awful? How many more times can we write about their incompetence? We’re not even angry anymore… it’s just depressing.

As we said on Twitter earlier today(**): Watching the 2012 Eagles is like watching a family member slowly kill themselves with drugs. It’s painful.

(**)And if you’re not following us on Twitter, you’re certainly missing out.

So, as we enter Thanksgiving week, we give thanks to the one Eagles-related thing we’re actually grateful for: There are officially SIX more games left in the Andy Reid-era.

This is the what the end feels like. This is rock bottom.

More to come.

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: It’s Not Easy Being Midnight Green

November 11, 2012

It’s no longer fun to be an Eagles fan.

Week after week, year after year, loss after loss we still get hyped up and go to the Linc. Still spend insane amounts of money and endless hours on this team. Still cheer and care and wish and hope. Still lose our voice – every week! And for what? What’s the point anymore?!

The Eagles flat-out suck. Remember 1998, the year before Reid waddled into town, when they went 3-13? This team is worse. Seriously. They are three – THREE! – plays from being 0-9. A dropped interception, a blown call by the refs and a missed field goal. That’s the difference between 3-6 and 0-9.

Hell, the Eagles’ best player today was Morris Claiborne… Who you may know as the Cowboys’ “stud” rookie Cornerback.

Without Claiborne, the Eagles don’t score one point after their first drive. From the second quarter on, Claiborne was called for FIVE holding or pass interference penalties – four of which gave the Eagles a first down. Three of those penalties led to an Eagles score. Coincidentally, the Eagles didn’t score on any other drive. The only way the Offense was capable of advancing the ball down field was by throwing towards Claiborne’s side and hoping he’d hold or interfere with his man. Which he did. Frequently.

Outside of that… the Birds had NO gameplan.

Of course, we can’t go any further without talking about Nick Foles. He is what he is: a rookie. We really can’t expect anything significant out of him. And even if he did somehow lead this team back to victory today, we have too many bad memories of Bobby Hoying, Ty Detmer and (ugh) Kevin Kolb to take him seriously. But that’s not the issue at hand…

Andy Reid, as he’s wont to do, didn’t help Foles out one bit. He didn’t adjust his playcalling, he didn’t max protect – even though the Eagles currently boast the single worst Offensive Line in football – he didn’t rely on LeSean McCoy to take the heat off the rookie. He didn’t do anything different.

And let’s not forget what happened at the end of the first half. The Eagles Defense (somehow) stopped the Cowboys on third down with 1:30 left in the half… Plenty of time to receive a punt and try to move the ball into field goal range, right? Wrong. Remember, Andy Reid coaches this team.

Instead of calling a timeout(*) and getting the ball back with 90 seconds, Andy allowed the clock to tick down to :50. After wasting 40 seconds for no reason whatsoever – other than to kneel on the ball and go into halftime down 3 – the Offense lined up in shotgun and ran plays. What?! Why?!!?!

(*)Because why call a timeout when you’re SUPPOSED to call a timeout.

That sequence perfectly summed up Andy Reid’s Philadelphia tenure: he doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing.

This was beyond bad clock management and poor coaching. This was a guy who has absolutely no clue and/or simply doesn’t give a shit anymore. Andy Reid has completely checked out, and we’re the ones who are suffering.

Speaking of having no clue… Demetress Bell and King Dunlap need to murder-suicide each other. How either one of them is paid U.S. currency to play football is a mystery. Bell may as well dress for games as a SEPTA turnstile. At least Dunlap is the only Eagles player who can tackle… Oh, wait…

And before we forget, we want to quickly address something that is really bothersome… And no, we aren’t referring to the team drowning out boos by BLASTING shitty music.

Dear Eagles season ticket holders:
If you sell your Dallas game tickets to Cowboys fans, please shove a Tony Romo figurine up your ass and get the fuck out of our city.

This is the third straight year that the Linc has been completely overrun by the scum of the Earth (Cowboys fans) and we are absolutely disgusted. You are a traitor and the worst kind of fan. Save your money, stop buying season tickets and let someone who actually cares go to games. Also, go fuck yourself.

That’s it. We’re pissed. We’ll have more once we digest this latest in a long line of atrocities.

Five straight losses. If Jeffrey Lurie had any balls, he wouldn’t wait until the end of the season… He’d Fire The Walrus today.

Unfortunately, Jeffrey Lurie has no balls.

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Trotter Sacks Babin

November 4, 2012

Earlier this week, Eagles’ Defensive End Jason Babin lashed out at fans for ‘vile’ chants during last week’s home loss to the Lions. Why didn’t we mention it? Honestly… we didn’t care.

Well, that’s not entirely true. When we first read Babin’s comments, we were definitely angry. As we mentioned last year around this time, when Casey Fredo Matthews took offense to the intense passion of Eagles fans, players who don’t understand what this team means to us need to keep their mouth’s shut. Don’t take your frustrations out on us. Don’t show us that we’re under your skin. And don’t EVER tell us what we can and cannot say about OUR football team. You are paid by an organization that exists for the sole purpose of us, the fans(*). You are a mercenary; just a body filling laundry we support monetarily and emotionally. Know your role.

(*)And, admittedly, The Billionaire’s bottom line.

But, why run off another angry, vile-filled rant at a schmuck like Jason Babin, when a former All-Pro Linebacker and fan favorite like Jeremiah Trotter can do it for us! Take it away, Trot (via 97.5 The Fanatic):

“Dude, get a grip, this is football. You’re a man. Why are you worried about what people say anyway? I understand that players have feelings, but you’re a man. You’re playing a gladiator sport, and you’re running around worried about what fans are talking about? Even if I did feel a certain way you would never hear me say it because number one, you are showing your weakness right there. You’re playing a gladiator sport, dude. Go play ball.

“When I hear some of this talk man it really, really pisses me off, because you’re focused on the wrong thing. You should be focusing this week on the Saints, not focusing on what the fans are saying, or putting things on Twitter saying this or that. Come on, dude. Go out and win some games. Let the fans do what they’re gonna do. Fans are still going to be fans, and they have every right to boo you if you don’t go out and put a good product on the field.”

Fuck, we miss having this guy on our Defense. And Babin NEEDS to listen to him.

Trotter, who along with Brian Dawkins and Hugh Douglas, made up the heart and soul of the Andy Reid Jim Johnson-era Eagles, knows what he’s talking about. He embraced Eagles fans from the moment he came to Philadelphia and forged a deep relationship with us. He understands why we’re so passionate and dedicated and (maybe sometimes) scarily obsessed with our football team.

On top of that, it pleases us to no end how he basically calls Babin out for being a pussy! “You’re playing a gladiator sport, dude,” is one of the greatest quotes, EVER! And it’s perfectly fitting for Babin.

Quick story: This past St. Patrick’s Day, we were at the same pub as Jason Babin, who was there with a group of his friends. They looked eerily similar to the crew that Hansel hung out with in Zoolander! Besides his oddball entourage though, there were three things we noted about Babin:

  1. He’s extremely small for a professional athlete. Sure, his arms are enormous and tatted up, but he’s really short and just looks like he lifts a lot. If you didn’t know who he was, you’d never think he was a football player. Incidentally, we didn’t see one person approach him for an autograph.
  2. He’s a total “bro.” You know, like a douche-y, fratguy bro(**). Like an “I’m-wearing-flip-flops-in-March” type of bro. Yes, he was wearing flip-flops.
  3. He seems like he doesn’t give a shit. Maybe it was the very Hansel-esque group he was with, or the fact that it was St. Patrick’s Day, but he seemed like he couldn’t care less about anything. Which makes sense when you read/hear his interviews or watch him play.

(**)Yes offense, douche-y, fratguy bros.

So, a huge Walrus-sized thank you to Trot for sticking up for Eagles fans and warrior-like football players, alike. We’ll always love number 54!