NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Eagles Defense Takes A Bowles Movement

October 28, 2012

Somewhere today, Juan Castillo was in front of his television, watching the Eagles-Falcons game and laughing his ass off. And rightfully so…

The Todd Bowles-led Eagles Defense, provided fans with the single worst performance we’ve seen since Seattle came in to the Linc on a snowy Monday night in 2005 and gave our team a 42-0 whupping. Missed tackles, blown assignments, stupid penalties, overpaid-CBs being burnt by underpaid-WRs… The Defense today was either simply pathetic or somehow possessed by the visiting Asante Samuel. Either way, it was a train wreck. But hey… At least they got their first sack since week 2!

Nnamdi Toastumgha should be benched for the remainder of his ridiculous contract. Kurt Coleman and Nate Allen should be traded for a bag of balls and a kicking tee, respectively. The Defensive Line should never play football again. Somehow, the Linebackers are the best unit on the D. Somehow, this Defense has gotten even worse.

Did anybody in the entire universe believe that the Defense would regress AFTER firing Juan Castillo?! It’s almost ludicrous how bad they were.

And we haven’t even gotten to the worst, most pathetic part of this Eagles team yet… No, not the Offense – which we will be getting to either later tonight or tomorrow – but, Andy Walrus Reid.

We can talk about the playcalling. We can talk about the punt on 4th-and-less-than-a-yard while down 17. We can talk about the insanely shitty scripted plays that Andy had planned for two weeks. But, guess what guys? This is it. The end is here. He can’t fire Juan again(*) and he’s running out of scapegoats(**). Ladies and gentlemen… We officially have nine weeks left in the Andy Reid-era!

(*)Though, as we pointed out to others in our section at the game, he DOES still have another Offensive Line Coach to fire!

(**)Though Michael Vick WILL be the next to lose his job.

As the rain and “Fire Andy” chants poured down around him, Andy Reid HAD to come to the realization that his time as the Head Coach of the Eagles is no longer his. Did you know that he gave the team a passionate, Tony D’Amato-esque pregame speech? Well, his words and leadership affected his guys SO much that they came out and took a big, steaming dump on the field for him. Did you see his postgame press conference? He’s a broken man. He’s angry and irritable and no longer has a perfect post-bye week record. He’s a guy that knows his time is up.


The Eagles are a VERY poorly coached team, all around, and just a poor team in general. They have no Offensive Line, an awful Quarterback(***), no sense of playcalling or execution, zero discipline and seemingly no interest in winning football games.

(***)If Vick were a pitbull, wouldn’t he have put himself down by now?

The players and coaches appear to know it. The fans DEFINITELY know it. In nine weeks, The Billionaire BETTER know it.

Nine more weeks… And Lurie will Fire The Walrus.

We have so many more thoughts on this latest disaster and a lot planned for this week, so make sure you check back often!


October 16, 2012


Juan Cantcoachstillo is officially OUT!

Andy Reid just announced that he has fired his best friend and replaced him with Todd Bowles. If you recall, we predicted this before the season started.

Wow… Way to start off the bye week! Can you say panic move?! Andy KNOWS his fat walrus ass is finally on the Red Lobster grill hot seat!

And if you had Juan in your 2012 Eagles Fantasy Blame League, congrats, you just Juan won!

MUCH MUCH MORE coming later on…

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: This Gentleman Is A Genius

October 15, 2012

While we’re working on a scathing post about the current state of your Philadelphia Eagles, we must mention something spectacular!

Yesterday, while exiting the even-slower-than-usual-Broad Street Line after the game, we met an awesome and proud member of Fire The Walrus Nation… And he was wearing this AMAZING shirt!


Buddy bless this man! If only we could start selling these (and other Fire The Walrus merch!)…

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Vickhead’s Serious Case Of The Dropsies

October 7, 2012

The good news? Michael Vick didn’t throw any interceptions this week against the Steelers. The bad news? He seemingly developed an allergic reaction to holding on to footballs.

Vick put more balls on the ground than an all-male flashmob performing “The Worm.”

The Offensive Line was shaky, at best, and allowed the Steelers to pressure Vick all day. And while he took his regular dose of brutal hits, Vick looked skittish for the first 30 minutes of play. Every time he was hit, he dropped the ball. Three times in the first quarter… Two of which ended potential scoring drives.

Vick may have collected himself and put together another late game, go-ahead drive – his fourth of the season – but the Eagles lost this game because of Michael Vick. The team had opportunity after opportunity to take control of this game early, but couldn’t capitalize. Forget capitalizing… They couldn’t hold on to the freaking football! It was like the Offense was dipping their hands in olive oil on the sideline.

The Steelers looked almost Eagle-like in the first half: committing a ridiculous amount of holding and illegal formation and pass interference penalties; poorly executing a terrible gameplan… They were ready to hand the game over to the Eagles! Yet Vickhead was determined to hand it right back.

But something else happened in this game that makes us not as angry/depressed/murderous as we would usually be after an Eagles lose. Andy Reid adjusted his offensive gameplan! WHAT?!!?! In fact, this may be two weeks in a row that we’ve seen The Walrus shift his size-58 utility belt gameplan from “do nothing to move the ball forward” in the first half, to “give the ball to Shady and let him do Shady things, while only allowing Vick to throw short, quick dinks and dunks” in the second half. And for the second straight week… It worked!

Between McCoy doing his best Barry Sanders impression(*) and Vick firing the ball out as fast as possible – considering there was a Steeler coming at him unencumbered and full-speed on EVERY SINGLE PLAY, kind-of-sort-of made this a necessity – the Birds were able to put together their most impressive drive of the season. 17 plays, 79 yards, over 8:18, culminating in a two-yard touchdown pass to Brent Celek. The Eagles haven’t been capable of of that in Buddy knows how long!

(*)And as much as we hate them, it’s an honor to hear the likes of Joe FBuck and Troy Aikman confirm what we’ve been saying for more than two years now… LeSean McCoy is the only Running Back to ever come close to resembling the head/shoulder-fakes and cuts that Barry Sanders made famous.

But while Andy’s playcalling drastically improved over the course of the game, the Defense, which has been very good so far this season, finally cracked… Or at least was worn out by the Steelers bruising, smashmouth style. This time, it’s Juan and Washburn that need to do some adjusting and figure out why the Steelers were able to get such a great push at the line and run all over the D in the final quarter.

So, while Andy Reid wasn’t exactly the reason his team lost today – though it certainly would have helped to have had some timeouts at the end of the game – owners of Vickhead and Castillo had a great day in their 2012 Eagles Fantasy Blame leagues! And that’s really what this season seems to be coming down to: Who gets thrown under the bus at the end? Will it be Vick and his army of pitbulls turnovers… Or Juan Canmaybecoachstillo when the Defense doesn’t come through? It remains to be seen.

All we know is, 3-2 doesn’t feel as good as 4-1 would have felt.

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Cheeseburgers For Everybody!

October 1, 2012

Andy Reid is the gift that keeps on giving (you know, except for the whole coaching our football team thing…)! Last night, he (rightfully) claimed that the fans would have “ripped his throat out” if Tynes had made the second field goal. Tonight, comes video evidence that Reid runs his own bounty program… But, rather than money, Reid’s players are rewarded in cheeseburgers!

If you were not watching the Monday Night Football halftime show, we proudly present to you, THIS(*):

(*)Sorry for the horrendously low-quality video. A better version of this video to (surly) come!

The Walrus celebrates the only way he knows how… with food!

Not-So Breaking News: We’re Back, Apathetic As Ever

September 8, 2012

Oh, hello there…

Who let you in here?

Just kidding… it’s great to see you! It’s certainly been a while. Why don’t we catch up…

First of all, we apologize. Profusely. We know you guys – what may or may not be left of Fire The Walrus Nation – have been waiting with bated breath for us to chime in on one of the MANY happenings in the past bunch of months, and we have done you a major disservice.

The Walrus pulled a power play and The Devil is dead(*)… or rather, simply replaced with a younger, stingier, Reid-friendly Devil Lite. It turns out, for all of his bullshit, Devil Banner was finally ready to pull the plug on The Walrus.

(*)Actually, he was just exiled to Cleveland. But, you know, isn’t that really the same thing?

But, leave it to Lurie’s love of water mammals – or whatever illicit pictures Andy has of The Billionaire that could have been used against him in his recent divorce – Andy remains for another year. Though, now with an ultimatum!

We’ll believe it when we see it.

The Eagles seemed to finally realize that Linebacker is actually a position in the NFL – who knew?! – and made a major(ish) trade for a potential real Middle Linebacker (DeMeco Ryans) and spent another in a long line of second-round draft picks on a LB… and we know how well that’s worked out for The Walrus(**). Let’s hope – and so far so good – Mychal Kendricks is the exception to what’s become the rule. Unfortunately, the reviews on Ryans have been mixed at best so far… so the LB position remains incomplete.

(**)The ghosts of Quinton Caver and Matt McCoy are still lurking around the NovaCare Complex.

The Walrus decided to hire Todd Bowles to coach the Secondary… even though he was an interim Head Coach and a strong Defensive Coordinator candidate. It’s a strong move, but why keep inexperienced Juan and supplement him with Jim Washburn and Bowles, rather than simply hand the keys to one of the more experienced guys? Because Andy Reid doesn’t make mistakes. Haven’t you been paying attention for the last fourteen years!

And, unfortunately, we can’t not mention the elephant walrus in the room… Garrett Reid. What happened was extraordinarily unfortunate and horrible, and in no way has anything to do with Andy Reid as a Coach. As we’ve said since we started this site, Andy’s personal life is just that, personal. What happens with his family is off limits here, regardless of how it may or may not affect his job performance.  Our anger with Reid stems from his game day coaching abilities and decision-making, his reckless disregard of Defense and his incredible stubbornness/belief that he invented the game of football. Not his parenting. End of conversation.

Now that we’re all caught up, why have we failed to chime in on any of this prior to Christmas Eve the eve of the 2012 season?

In all honesty, the combination of Eli and the Giants winning another Super Bowl(***) and the return of both The Walrus and Magic Don Juan Cantcoachdefenselo(****), put us in such a football-loathing funk, that we simply couldn’t care to spill any electronic ink over any of it.

(***)Maybe we should just stop writing now…

(****)Oh masochism, why can’t we quit you?!

Apathy is a hell of a drug. We just couldn’t find the urge/desire/need to care… also, basketball was really good this year!  The Eagles have long been the family member that perpetually disappoints us, but the last few seasons – particularly last season’s kerfuffle – finally put us over the edge.  We are basically a 15th Andy Reid season away from officially becoming Jesse Pinkman’s parents and cutting them off for good(*****).

(*****)But don’t actually count on that happening. We simply can’t help but hold out hope that our fuck-up of a team will kick its nasty Walrus addiction and rehabilitate with a healthy dose of Defense.

We actually really liked what the team did in the draft – though let’s all calm down on the whole “Nick Foles is the next Joe Montana” noise(******) – and are fans of the Eagles’ youth movement. But it’s really hard to find the love for a team that you know is just simply going to disappoint you again.  We know exactly what’s going to happen this season: The Eagles will win between 8 and 12 games and either barley-miss the playoffs or simply be one and done in the second season.  And that will be more than enough for Reid to return.

(******)With that being said, we’re intrigued. Michael Vick hasn’t won a playoff game since the 2004 season and obviously can’t make it through a full slate of games. We liked Kafka… but obviously Andy likes what he sees in Foles more.

So, as we’re stuck in a constant cycle of the departed Devil Banner’s definition of insanity, we’ve simply lost the will to give even the slightest bit of fucks about what transpired so far for the 2012 Philadelphia Eagles… until now.

Tomorrow is the day! Eagles football is back… and no matter how apathetic we may be, no matter how low our expectations are, no matter how sure we are that the team will go 10-6, win a playoff game and tear our hearts out once again in the Divisional Round… we’re happy to have them back. We just wish they were about 350+ lbs. lighter.

It’s good to be back. Fire The Walrus.

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Eagles Do Nothing And Like It

January 30, 2012

In case you haven’t heard yet today(*), Don Juan Castillo is officially back in the saddle as Eagles Defensive Coordinator. Let’s just let that sink in for a minute, shall we…

(*)Or have yet to come to the sobering realization.

Done yet? No? Need another moment?

Good? Ok, let’s move on.

Basically The Walrus, The Devil and The Billionaire just said to all of us “We’re good. We like what we saw in 2011. Let’s give it another go in 2012.”

If the Billionaire slapping us in the face once this offseason wasn’t enough, well, time to take it on the other cheek. So much for all of his “disappointed, embarrassed, disgraced” bullshit bravado. Way to really be committed to change there, Mr. Oscars-Are-More-Important-Than-Lombardis. What a pompous asshole.

The team’s big solution to fixing Juan’s insanely pathetic, maddeningly awful Defense? Bring in Miami’s recently jettisoned interim Head Coach Todd Bowles to coach the Secondary. Seriously. That’s the big Machiavellian coaching move that’s going to change it all!

So, if you’re keeping track — and we know we are — that’s zero semblance of an actual plan, and 100% complacency. Good job fellas! Way to make up for the lost season of 2011!

To add insult to injury, the front office has the testicular fortitude to claim that they see Bowles as a soon-to-be NFL Head Coach(**)… Well guess what Eagles ass brass? Make him your freaking Head Coach then! Stop dicking around and wasting our time with that fat useless Walrus you have, who needs more time to catch his breath than come up with gameplans. If Bowles is so highly sought after, at least give him the job of running the Defense, not playing understudy to an underqualified, overwhelmed Offensive Line Coach.

(**)He did interview for various Head Coaching vacancies in the last few weeks.

The state of this team is unbearable anymore. They already declared that the 2012 season is a lost cause… because guess what? They will NOT win a Super Bowl with Juan Castillo as their Defensive Coordinator. Or Andy Walrus Reid as their Head Choke-artist Coach. Reuben Frank knows it. Jaws knows it. We know it. Shit, the entire football-following world knows it.

According to Frank, they didn’t even attempt to go after Steve Spagnuolo, an planned on keeping Juan all along. That’s just awesome.

Your biggest rival is 60 minutes away from winning ANOTHER Super Bowl… and this is the move you make to counter attack?! It’s inexplicable. It’s embarrassing.

It’s typical Eagles football.

We’ll be back tomorrow after The Walrus finally pulls his head out of his ass to speak to the media. Unless of course its to wax poetic about the Sixers(***) again… In which case, you may see us on the news, being led out of the NovaCare Complex.

(***)A Philadelphia sports team that’s actually, you know, enjoyable to watch…

Just let the cops know that our motives were just.

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: The Billionaire’s “Anger” And “Frustration” Makes Us Angry and Frustrated

January 3, 2012

Make no mistake, The Billionaire, Jeffrey Lurie, had nothing even remotely “news-worthy” or “important” to say at his press conference today.

Telling Eagles fans that The Walrus will return to “coach” his 14th season was expected. Did anybody really anticipate Reid’s firing today? Sure we prayed for it before going to bed last night… but in no way, shape or form did we expect Lurie to do anything but defend the coach he pulled out of obesity obscurity a decade and a half ago.

What The Billionaire did do, however, was slap Eagles fans in the face…

From Reuben Frank’s piece on*):

Lurie opened his press conference by expressing his extreme disappointment with this season. He said his primary emotions were “anger” and “frustration.”

“This season was without question the most disappointing season since I owned the team,” Lurie said.

“It’s completely unacceptable to be 8-8.”

Lurie didn’t take much from the Eagles’ strong finish, saying they proved they “could dominate against teams that weren’t competitive” and calling it “fool’s gold.”

“To think there are any excuses for taking that long to come together is misplaced,” Lurie said.

(*)We were unable to watch today’s press conference, and probably should be thankful, as we would no longer own a TV that didn’t have a shoe embedded in the screen.

How dare The Billionaire tell us he’s angry and frustrated and disappointed and all his other brown-nosing bullshit, and then in the same breath say he wants to see the 2012 Eagles coached by Andy Reid?! Give us a break! Does Lurie seriously believe that we will take him for his word? Does he really think that Eagles fans are going: “Well, at least the owner agrees with us and won’t stand this anymore?”


Doesn’t the fact that he had to hold a damn press conference just to announce Reid’s return say it all…

Jeffrey Lurie thinks Eagles fans are idiots. He thinks we’re gullible rubes who will believe anything the rich ruler tells us to believe.

If you’re so angry and frustrated and disappointed, Jeffrey, than fucking do something about it. Fire the damn imbecile that pisses puts you in this embarrassing position. Fire the “leader” of the underachieving, overpaid “dream” that you went “all in” on. Stop telling us what you think we want to hear and listen to the chants raining down at your stadium.

The Billionaire did nothing today, but prove he is a pompous aristocrat, more worried about taking our money than fulfilling his promises of championships. Andy Reid’s track record doesn’t mean one thing to us anymore. It stopped meaning anything a long time ago.

Dear Jeffrey Lurie: We’re angry. We’re frustrated. You’re a disappointment. Fourteen seasons without a Super Bowl is unacceptable. To make any more excuses for Andy Reid is foolish.

We hope you sit on you Oscar.

Lots more to come… Yet another offseason of discontent and disenchantment is just getting underway.

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Fredo’s Fiancée Versus Eagles Fans

December 9, 2011

Let us preface this post by saying that we do not condone picking on women, children or family members of anyone, let alone a football player. If you have a problem with somebody, you take it up with that person… not their loved ones.

We typically hate stories of fans doing mean things to athletes’ families(*). The idiot Yankee fans who spit/threw beer on Cliff Lee’s wife and other Rangers’ players come to mind(**). Or stories about Boston Bruins’ fans being unrelenting to the families of opposing players. Or our own city’s fans being nasty to the wives of players from other cities. There are countless tales of these incidents, and almost always, they are in bad taste and reflect poorly on entire fanbases.

(*)Unless it involves a member of the Kardashian family…

(**)Though thank you for ruining New York for the Lee’s!

So, while we’re not at all shocked by the reports coming out (and flooding our inbox) of Casey Fredo Matthews complaining about Eagles fans harassing his fiancée until she cried, it is slightly embarrassing. But we also kind of have this reaction:


Again, we could never condone berating, heckling, yelling at, cursing at, spitting on or throwing objects/liquids on the loved ones of any professional athlete – or anyone, for that matter. But – and yes offense to Fredo – he sort of asked for it. Not because of his play on the field, mind you… but for the fact that he decided to take out his frustration with himself/the season/fans on the fans. You’re a professional athlete. You don’t talk shit on the fans that pay to watch you REPRESENT THEIR CITY.

Here’s what Fredo had to say on the matter:

“They harassed [them] and made my fiancée cry. It’s tough. It’s frustrating. That’s just how they are here. If you win they love you, so I guess we’ve just got to turn things around and just start winning again.”

Well, at least he’s starting to “understand” us.

So while we look down on the fans that made soon-to-be Mrs. Fredo cry, we still like to believe that the real reason for her tears was watching her long-haired, easily-frustrated bust of a fiancée suck at football and waste away on the bench.

Here’s to the happy couple… We hope that she’s at least competent at her profession!

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Fredo Matthews Doesn’t Understand (That He Is An Idiot)

December 6, 2011

Sure, this NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS is certainly not-so breaking, as this episode in “The Year of Disappointments” happened more than a week ago. But it’s something we’ve been meaning to address.

Eagles’ fourth-round pick bust Casey Fredo Matthews criticized Eagles fans. Seriously! A guy who was benched and can’t even make it back onto the field is talking shit about fans. You know, because we needed another reason to hate the 2011 Philadelphia Eagles…

We direct you to this piece by Philadelphia Sports Daily’s Tim McManus. To sum it up: Fredo is upset with the way Eagles fans react to wins and losses, as well as the pressure Eagles fans “put on him” this year. Also, he blames the lack of OTAs, a shortened training camp and the fact that The Walrus prematurely inserted into the starting lineup for his miserable play. Basically, Fredo Matthews is a huge asshole who refuses to believe he’s done anything wrong.

Here’s an excerpt from McManus’ interview with the black sheep of the Matthews family:

McManus: Was the benching a relief?

Fredo: It almost kind of was. Obviously you want to play as much as possible, but once I was taken out it seemed like all of the heat got taken off me and put on someone else. That’s just how it is in this town. It was a slight relief, then again I also wanted to play. That was the tough part.

McManus: Now that he has taken a step back, have you come to terms with the fans?

Fredo: Have I come to terms?

McManus: Do you understand them?

Fredo: No. I don’t think anyone will ever understand these fans. When we win they love you but when we lose it gets rough. That’s just how it is here. It’s like that in some other places, but not to this extent. Hey, just win and keep them happy.

McManus: So you’re not exactly feeling warm and fuzzy towards Eagles nation…

Fredo: Some of them but not running off the field after a loss — not those fans. They think they know me.

First off… Fuck you, Fredo!

Secondly, you’re right… we don’t understand you. You were a beast in college, you come from a long line of football Gods, yet you’re a complete waste of a roster spot in the NFL. We don’t understand how awful you are, that you went from starting Middle Linebacker to NOT PLAYING ONE DOWN… on a terrible Defense no less!

We don’t understand how you only have 14 total tackles ALL SEASON! In four years at Oregon, you accumulated 245 tackles, 30.5 of them for losses, 9 sacks, 4 interceptions and 1 forced fumble. In 12 games with the Eagles, you’ve proved that you can’t play at the NFL level.

We don’t understand how a player who calls taking the field as a rookie starter from day one “a dream come true,” turns around and blames his poor play on “the pressure from the fans.” We don’t understand why Reid and Castillo thought you could play right away – Was it your lineage? Your performance in college? Your hair? – but they did. That’s not our fault. If you prove in practice that you deserve to be on the field then guess what, we expect a certain level of play out of you.

You know why the blame went from you to someone else once you were benched? Because your replacement(s) suck too. But they’re still better than you are, Fredo. At least they’re still getting playing time!

That’s another thing we don’t understand… Not only were you benched from the Defense, but you haven’t even made a cameo on Special Teams! You know what that means? You REALLY suck. You can’t tackle worth shit. Do you understand that?

You also mention that you don’t think any players understand us Eagles fans? Well you and Desean must be really good friends, because the players who DO GET us, don’t ever quit. They don’t talk down to fans or bash us in the media. They don’t blame us for their horrendous plat on the field. They play their hearts out and leave EVERYTHING on the field. They don’t whine like little bitches. They don’t take out their personal frustrations on the fans. They have character. Something you clearly don’t understand.

And why are Eagles fans more vocal after wins and losses than other cities? Because we are undyingly loyal and so passionate about our football team that we live and die with every play. Welcome to the East Coast, Fredo.

We’ve never, in all our years of watching football, seen a Linebacker get taken out of plays by blockers the way you did. We’ve never seen a Linebacker with ZERO discernable skills. You can’t play the run, you can’t play in coverage, you can’t blitz, you can’t tackle. All you can do is suck, warm the bench and talk shit about the fans…. Fans, who by the way, were thrilled to have you join the team and see you start at MLB from the get-go. Apparently, like The Walrus, we were blinded by your family name.

You deserve the nickname Fredo. You deserve the label of bust and black sheep. You deserve the scorn and hatred we feel for you now. You deserve to be run out of town the way previous fan-bashing athletes have(*). You deserve to rot on the bench.

(*)We suggest you find Scott Rolen’s phone number, ASAP.

You’re right, Fredo… win and we’ll love you. But even if you lose, we will love you and be loyal to you if you play hard, play smart, play with heart and keep your mouth shut. Just ask Shady.

Problem is, you’re just not capable of any of those things.

Hopefully that’s something you can understand.