NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Welcome To Rock Bottom

November 18, 2012

Nick Foles passed the ball 46 times. Kurt Coleman tackled two Redskins players INTO the endzone. LeSean McCoy was carted off the field on a completely meaningless play with less than two minutes left and the team down by 25 points(*). The Eagles have lost six straight games. Welcome to rock bottom.

(*)He officially has a concussion, according to Andy’s postgame bullshitfest press conference.

This is a team that couldn’t put up more than six points against the league’s 27th ranked Defense, a unit that has given up the 5th most points in 2012! The Eagles are one of the sorriest teams in the league and are officially in the hunt for the number one overall pick. That’s all we have to look forward to anymore. And the way this season is going, they’ll somehow fuck that up too.

The 2012 Eagles are one of the worst teams we’ve ever followed. It’s their first six game losing streak since the 1994 season – also known as Rich Kotite’s last hurrah – and they’re on pace to match the 1998 vintage’s 3-13 record. This team doesn’t need a new coach, it needs an exorcism! The 2012 Eagles were built on an indian burial ground… It’s time to burn the whole thing to the ground and salt the Earth.

What more is there to say?

How many different ways can we say this team is awful? How many more times can we write about their incompetence? We’re not even angry anymore… it’s just depressing.

As we said on Twitter earlier today(**): Watching the 2012 Eagles is like watching a family member slowly kill themselves with drugs. It’s painful.

(**)And if you’re not following us on Twitter, you’re certainly missing out.

So, as we enter Thanksgiving week, we give thanks to the one Eagles-related thing we’re actually grateful for: There are officially SIX more games left in the Andy Reid-era.

This is the what the end feels like. This is rock bottom.

More to come.


NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: It’s Not Easy Being Midnight Green

November 11, 2012

It’s no longer fun to be an Eagles fan.

Week after week, year after year, loss after loss we still get hyped up and go to the Linc. Still spend insane amounts of money and endless hours on this team. Still cheer and care and wish and hope. Still lose our voice – every week! And for what? What’s the point anymore?!

The Eagles flat-out suck. Remember 1998, the year before Reid waddled into town, when they went 3-13? This team is worse. Seriously. They are three – THREE! – plays from being 0-9. A dropped interception, a blown call by the refs and a missed field goal. That’s the difference between 3-6 and 0-9.

Hell, the Eagles’ best player today was Morris Claiborne… Who you may know as the Cowboys’ “stud” rookie Cornerback.

Without Claiborne, the Eagles don’t score one point after their first drive. From the second quarter on, Claiborne was called for FIVE holding or pass interference penalties – four of which gave the Eagles a first down. Three of those penalties led to an Eagles score. Coincidentally, the Eagles didn’t score on any other drive. The only way the Offense was capable of advancing the ball down field was by throwing towards Claiborne’s side and hoping he’d hold or interfere with his man. Which he did. Frequently.

Outside of that… the Birds had NO gameplan.

Of course, we can’t go any further without talking about Nick Foles. He is what he is: a rookie. We really can’t expect anything significant out of him. And even if he did somehow lead this team back to victory today, we have too many bad memories of Bobby Hoying, Ty Detmer and (ugh) Kevin Kolb to take him seriously. But that’s not the issue at hand…

Andy Reid, as he’s wont to do, didn’t help Foles out one bit. He didn’t adjust his playcalling, he didn’t max protect – even though the Eagles currently boast the single worst Offensive Line in football – he didn’t rely on LeSean McCoy to take the heat off the rookie. He didn’t do anything different.

And let’s not forget what happened at the end of the first half. The Eagles Defense (somehow) stopped the Cowboys on third down with 1:30 left in the half… Plenty of time to receive a punt and try to move the ball into field goal range, right? Wrong. Remember, Andy Reid coaches this team.

Instead of calling a timeout(*) and getting the ball back with 90 seconds, Andy allowed the clock to tick down to :50. After wasting 40 seconds for no reason whatsoever – other than to kneel on the ball and go into halftime down 3 – the Offense lined up in shotgun and ran plays. What?! Why?!!?!

(*)Because why call a timeout when you’re SUPPOSED to call a timeout.

That sequence perfectly summed up Andy Reid’s Philadelphia tenure: he doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing.

This was beyond bad clock management and poor coaching. This was a guy who has absolutely no clue and/or simply doesn’t give a shit anymore. Andy Reid has completely checked out, and we’re the ones who are suffering.

Speaking of having no clue… Demetress Bell and King Dunlap need to murder-suicide each other. How either one of them is paid U.S. currency to play football is a mystery. Bell may as well dress for games as a SEPTA turnstile. At least Dunlap is the only Eagles player who can tackle… Oh, wait…

And before we forget, we want to quickly address something that is really bothersome… And no, we aren’t referring to the team drowning out boos by BLASTING shitty music.

Dear Eagles season ticket holders:
If you sell your Dallas game tickets to Cowboys fans, please shove a Tony Romo figurine up your ass and get the fuck out of our city.

This is the third straight year that the Linc has been completely overrun by the scum of the Earth (Cowboys fans) and we are absolutely disgusted. You are a traitor and the worst kind of fan. Save your money, stop buying season tickets and let someone who actually cares go to games. Also, go fuck yourself.

That’s it. We’re pissed. We’ll have more once we digest this latest in a long line of atrocities.

Five straight losses. If Jeffrey Lurie had any balls, he wouldn’t wait until the end of the season… He’d Fire The Walrus today.

Unfortunately, Jeffrey Lurie has no balls.


NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Trotter Sacks Babin

November 4, 2012

Earlier this week, Eagles’ Defensive End Jason Babin lashed out at fans for ‘vile’ chants during last week’s home loss to the Lions. Why didn’t we mention it? Honestly… we didn’t care.

Well, that’s not entirely true. When we first read Babin’s comments, we were definitely angry. As we mentioned last year around this time, when Casey Fredo Matthews took offense to the intense passion of Eagles fans, players who don’t understand what this team means to us need to keep their mouth’s shut. Don’t take your frustrations out on us. Don’t show us that we’re under your skin. And don’t EVER tell us what we can and cannot say about OUR football team. You are paid by an organization that exists for the sole purpose of us, the fans(*). You are a mercenary; just a body filling laundry we support monetarily and emotionally. Know your role.

(*)And, admittedly, The Billionaire’s bottom line.

But, why run off another angry, vile-filled rant at a schmuck like Jason Babin, when a former All-Pro Linebacker and fan favorite like Jeremiah Trotter can do it for us! Take it away, Trot (via 97.5 The Fanatic):

“Dude, get a grip, this is football. You’re a man. Why are you worried about what people say anyway? I understand that players have feelings, but you’re a man. You’re playing a gladiator sport, and you’re running around worried about what fans are talking about? Even if I did feel a certain way you would never hear me say it because number one, you are showing your weakness right there. You’re playing a gladiator sport, dude. Go play ball.

“When I hear some of this talk man it really, really pisses me off, because you’re focused on the wrong thing. You should be focusing this week on the Saints, not focusing on what the fans are saying, or putting things on Twitter saying this or that. Come on, dude. Go out and win some games. Let the fans do what they’re gonna do. Fans are still going to be fans, and they have every right to boo you if you don’t go out and put a good product on the field.”

Fuck, we miss having this guy on our Defense. And Babin NEEDS to listen to him.

Trotter, who along with Brian Dawkins and Hugh Douglas, made up the heart and soul of the Andy Reid Jim Johnson-era Eagles, knows what he’s talking about. He embraced Eagles fans from the moment he came to Philadelphia and forged a deep relationship with us. He understands why we’re so passionate and dedicated and (maybe sometimes) scarily obsessed with our football team.

On top of that, it pleases us to no end how he basically calls Babin out for being a pussy! “You’re playing a gladiator sport, dude,” is one of the greatest quotes, EVER! And it’s perfectly fitting for Babin.

Quick story: This past St. Patrick’s Day, we were at the same pub as Jason Babin, who was there with a group of his friends. They looked eerily similar to the crew that Hansel hung out with in Zoolander! Besides his oddball entourage though, there were three things we noted about Babin:

  1. He’s extremely small for a professional athlete. Sure, his arms are enormous and tatted up, but he’s really short and just looks like he lifts a lot. If you didn’t know who he was, you’d never think he was a football player. Incidentally, we didn’t see one person approach him for an autograph.
  2. He’s a total “bro.” You know, like a douche-y, fratguy bro(**). Like an “I’m-wearing-flip-flops-in-March” type of bro. Yes, he was wearing flip-flops.
  3. He seems like he doesn’t give a shit. Maybe it was the very Hansel-esque group he was with, or the fact that it was St. Patrick’s Day, but he seemed like he couldn’t care less about anything. Which makes sense when you read/hear his interviews or watch him play.

(**)Yes offense, douche-y, fratguy bros.

So, a huge Walrus-sized thank you to Trot for sticking up for Eagles fans and warrior-like football players, alike. We’ll always love number 54!


NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Eagles Defense Takes A Bowles Movement

October 28, 2012

Somewhere today, Juan Castillo was in front of his television, watching the Eagles-Falcons game and laughing his ass off. And rightfully so…

The Todd Bowles-led Eagles Defense, provided fans with the single worst performance we’ve seen since Seattle came in to the Linc on a snowy Monday night in 2005 and gave our team a 42-0 whupping. Missed tackles, blown assignments, stupid penalties, overpaid-CBs being burnt by underpaid-WRs… The Defense today was either simply pathetic or somehow possessed by the visiting Asante Samuel. Either way, it was a train wreck. But hey… At least they got their first sack since week 2!

Nnamdi Toastumgha should be benched for the remainder of his ridiculous contract. Kurt Coleman and Nate Allen should be traded for a bag of balls and a kicking tee, respectively. The Defensive Line should never play football again. Somehow, the Linebackers are the best unit on the D. Somehow, this Defense has gotten even worse.

Did anybody in the entire universe believe that the Defense would regress AFTER firing Juan Castillo?! It’s almost ludicrous how bad they were.

And we haven’t even gotten to the worst, most pathetic part of this Eagles team yet… No, not the Offense – which we will be getting to either later tonight or tomorrow – but, Andy Walrus Reid.

We can talk about the playcalling. We can talk about the punt on 4th-and-less-than-a-yard while down 17. We can talk about the insanely shitty scripted plays that Andy had planned for two weeks. But, guess what guys? This is it. The end is here. He can’t fire Juan again(*) and he’s running out of scapegoats(**). Ladies and gentlemen… We officially have nine weeks left in the Andy Reid-era!

(*)Though, as we pointed out to others in our section at the game, he DOES still have another Offensive Line Coach to fire!

(**)Though Michael Vick WILL be the next to lose his job.

As the rain and “Fire Andy” chants poured down around him, Andy Reid HAD to come to the realization that his time as the Head Coach of the Eagles is no longer his. Did you know that he gave the team a passionate, Tony D’Amato-esque pregame speech? Well, his words and leadership affected his guys SO much that they came out and took a big, steaming dump on the field for him. Did you see his postgame press conference? He’s a broken man. He’s angry and irritable and no longer has a perfect post-bye week record. He’s a guy that knows his time is up.

Finally.

The Eagles are a VERY poorly coached team, all around, and just a poor team in general. They have no Offensive Line, an awful Quarterback(***), no sense of playcalling or execution, zero discipline and seemingly no interest in winning football games.

(***)If Vick were a pitbull, wouldn’t he have put himself down by now?

The players and coaches appear to know it. The fans DEFINITELY know it. In nine weeks, The Billionaire BETTER know it.

Nine more weeks… And Lurie will Fire The Walrus.

We have so many more thoughts on this latest disaster and a lot planned for this week, so make sure you check back often!


NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Down Goes Juan

October 16, 2012

Forget NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS… This is ACTUAL BREAKING NEWS!

Juan Cantcoachstillo is officially OUT!

Andy Reid just announced that he has fired his best friend and replaced him with Todd Bowles. If you recall, we predicted this before the season started.

Wow… Way to start off the bye week! Can you say panic move?! Andy KNOWS his fat walrus ass is finally on the Red Lobster grill hot seat!

And if you had Juan in your 2012 Eagles Fantasy Blame League, congrats, you just Juan won!

MUCH MUCH MORE coming later on…


NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: This Gentleman Is A Genius

October 15, 2012

While we’re working on a scathing post about the current state of your Philadelphia Eagles, we must mention something spectacular!

Yesterday, while exiting the even-slower-than-usual-Broad Street Line after the game, we met an awesome and proud member of Fire The Walrus Nation… And he was wearing this AMAZING shirt!

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Buddy bless this man! If only we could start selling these (and other Fire The Walrus merch!)…


NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Vickhead’s Serious Case Of The Dropsies

October 7, 2012

The good news? Michael Vick didn’t throw any interceptions this week against the Steelers. The bad news? He seemingly developed an allergic reaction to holding on to footballs.

Vick put more balls on the ground than an all-male flashmob performing “The Worm.”

The Offensive Line was shaky, at best, and allowed the Steelers to pressure Vick all day. And while he took his regular dose of brutal hits, Vick looked skittish for the first 30 minutes of play. Every time he was hit, he dropped the ball. Three times in the first quarter… Two of which ended potential scoring drives.

Vick may have collected himself and put together another late game, go-ahead drive – his fourth of the season – but the Eagles lost this game because of Michael Vick. The team had opportunity after opportunity to take control of this game early, but couldn’t capitalize. Forget capitalizing… They couldn’t hold on to the freaking football! It was like the Offense was dipping their hands in olive oil on the sideline.

The Steelers looked almost Eagle-like in the first half: committing a ridiculous amount of holding and illegal formation and pass interference penalties; poorly executing a terrible gameplan… They were ready to hand the game over to the Eagles! Yet Vickhead was determined to hand it right back.

But something else happened in this game that makes us not as angry/depressed/murderous as we would usually be after an Eagles lose. Andy Reid adjusted his offensive gameplan! WHAT?!!?! In fact, this may be two weeks in a row that we’ve seen The Walrus shift his size-58 utility belt gameplan from “do nothing to move the ball forward” in the first half, to “give the ball to Shady and let him do Shady things, while only allowing Vick to throw short, quick dinks and dunks” in the second half. And for the second straight week… It worked!

Between McCoy doing his best Barry Sanders impression(*) and Vick firing the ball out as fast as possible – considering there was a Steeler coming at him unencumbered and full-speed on EVERY SINGLE PLAY, kind-of-sort-of made this a necessity – the Birds were able to put together their most impressive drive of the season. 17 plays, 79 yards, over 8:18, culminating in a two-yard touchdown pass to Brent Celek. The Eagles haven’t been capable of of that in Buddy knows how long!

(*)And as much as we hate them, it’s an honor to hear the likes of Joe FBuck and Troy Aikman confirm what we’ve been saying for more than two years now… LeSean McCoy is the only Running Back to ever come close to resembling the head/shoulder-fakes and cuts that Barry Sanders made famous.

But while Andy’s playcalling drastically improved over the course of the game, the Defense, which has been very good so far this season, finally cracked… Or at least was worn out by the Steelers bruising, smashmouth style. This time, it’s Juan and Washburn that need to do some adjusting and figure out why the Steelers were able to get such a great push at the line and run all over the D in the final quarter.

So, while Andy Reid wasn’t exactly the reason his team lost today – though it certainly would have helped to have had some timeouts at the end of the game – owners of Vickhead and Castillo had a great day in their 2012 Eagles Fantasy Blame leagues! And that’s really what this season seems to be coming down to: Who gets thrown under the bus at the end? Will it be Vick and his army of pitbulls turnovers… Or Juan Canmaybecoachstillo when the Defense doesn’t come through? It remains to be seen.

All we know is, 3-2 doesn’t feel as good as 4-1 would have felt.