Fire The Walrus

Somewhere today, Juan Castillo was in front of his television, watching the Eagles-Falcons game and laughing his ass off. And rightfully so…

The Todd Bowles-led Eagles Defense, provided fans with the single worst performance we’ve seen since Seattle came in to the Linc on a snowy Monday night in 2005 and gave our team a 42-0 whupping. Missed tackles, blown assignments, stupid penalties, overpaid-CBs being burnt by underpaid-WRs… The Defense today was either simply pathetic or somehow possessed by the visiting Asante Samuel. Either way, it was a train wreck. But hey… At least they got their first sack since week 2!

Nnamdi Toastumgha should be benched for the remainder of his ridiculous contract. Kurt Coleman and Nate Allen should be traded for a bag of balls and a kicking tee, respectively. The Defensive Line should never play football again. Somehow, the Linebackers are the best unit on the D. Somehow, this Defense has gotten even worse.

Did anybody in the entire universe believe that the Defense would regress AFTER firing Juan Castillo?! It’s almost ludicrous how bad they were.

And we haven’t even gotten to the worst, most pathetic part of this Eagles team yet… No, not the Offense – which we will be getting to either later tonight or tomorrow – but, Andy Walrus Reid.

We can talk about the playcalling. We can talk about the punt on 4th-and-less-than-a-yard while down 17. We can talk about the insanely shitty scripted plays that Andy had planned for two weeks. But, guess what guys? This is it. The end is here. He can’t fire Juan again(*) and he’s running out of scapegoats(**). Ladies and gentlemen… We officially have nine weeks left in the Andy Reid-era!

(*)Though, as we pointed out to others in our section at the game, he DOES still have another Offensive Line Coach to fire!

(**)Though Michael Vick WILL be the next to lose his job.

As the rain and “Fire Andy” chants poured down around him, Andy Reid HAD to come to the realization that his time as the Head Coach of the Eagles is no longer his. Did you know that he gave the team a passionate, Tony D’Amato-esque pregame speech? Well, his words and leadership affected his guys SO much that they came out and took a big, steaming dump on the field for him. Did you see his postgame press conference? He’s a broken man. He’s angry and irritable and no longer has a perfect post-bye week record. He’s a guy that knows his time is up.

Finally.

The Eagles are a VERY poorly coached team, all around, and just a poor team in general. They have no Offensive Line, an awful Quarterback(***), no sense of playcalling or execution, zero discipline and seemingly no interest in winning football games.

(***)If Vick were a pitbull, wouldn’t he have put himself down by now?

The players and coaches appear to know it. The fans DEFINITELY know it. In nine weeks, The Billionaire BETTER know it.

Nine more weeks… And Lurie will Fire The Walrus.

We have so many more thoughts on this latest disaster and a lot planned for this week, so make sure you check back often!

While we’re working on a scathing post about the current state of your Philadelphia Eagles, we must mention something spectacular!

Yesterday, while exiting the even-slower-than-usual-Broad Street Line after the game, we met an awesome and proud member of Fire The Walrus Nation… And he was wearing this AMAZING shirt!

Buddy bless this man! If only we could start selling these (and other Fire The Walrus merch!)…

Andy Reid is the gift that keeps on giving (you know, except for the whole coaching our football team thing…)! Last night, he (rightfully) claimed that the fans would have “ripped his throat out” if Tynes had made the second field goal. Tonight, comes video evidence that Reid runs his own bounty program… But, rather than money, Reid’s players are rewarded in cheeseburgers!

If you were not watching the Monday Night Football halftime show, we proudly present to you, THIS(*):

(*)Sorry for the horrendously low-quality video. A better version of this video to (surly) come!

The Walrus celebrates the only way he knows how… with food!

Sure, this NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS is certainly not-so breaking, as this episode in “The Year of Disappointments” happened more than a week ago. But it’s something we’ve been meaning to address.

Eagles’ fourth-round pick bust Casey Fredo Matthews criticized Eagles fans. Seriously! A guy who was benched and can’t even make it back onto the field is talking shit about fans. You know, because we needed another reason to hate the 2011 Philadelphia Eagles…

We direct you to this piece by Philadelphia Sports Daily’s Tim McManus. To sum it up: Fredo is upset with the way Eagles fans react to wins and losses, as well as the pressure Eagles fans “put on him” this year. Also, he blames the lack of OTAs, a shortened training camp and the fact that The Walrus prematurely inserted into the starting lineup for his miserable play. Basically, Fredo Matthews is a huge asshole who refuses to believe he’s done anything wrong.

Here’s an excerpt from McManus’ interview with the black sheep of the Matthews family:

McManus: Was the benching a relief?

Fredo: It almost kind of was. Obviously you want to play as much as possible, but once I was taken out it seemed like all of the heat got taken off me and put on someone else. That’s just how it is in this town. It was a slight relief, then again I also wanted to play. That was the tough part.

McManus: Now that he has taken a step back, have you come to terms with the fans?

Fredo: Have I come to terms?

McManus: Do you understand them?

Fredo: No. I don’t think anyone will ever understand these fans. When we win they love you but when we lose it gets rough. That’s just how it is here. It’s like that in some other places, but not to this extent. Hey, just win and keep them happy.

McManus: So you’re not exactly feeling warm and fuzzy towards Eagles nation…

Fredo: Some of them but not running off the field after a loss — not those fans. They think they know me.

First off… Fuck you, Fredo!

Secondly, you’re right… we don’t understand you. You were a beast in college, you come from a long line of football Gods, yet you’re a complete waste of a roster spot in the NFL. We don’t understand how awful you are, that you went from starting Middle Linebacker to NOT PLAYING ONE DOWN… on a terrible Defense no less!

We don’t understand how you only have 14 total tackles ALL SEASON! In four years at Oregon, you accumulated 245 tackles, 30.5 of them for losses, 9 sacks, 4 interceptions and 1 forced fumble. In 12 games with the Eagles, you’ve proved that you can’t play at the NFL level.

We don’t understand how a player who calls taking the field as a rookie starter from day one “a dream come true,” turns around and blames his poor play on “the pressure from the fans.” We don’t understand why Reid and Castillo thought you could play right away – Was it your lineage? Your performance in college? Your hair? – but they did. That’s not our fault. If you prove in practice that you deserve to be on the field then guess what, we expect a certain level of play out of you.

You know why the blame went from you to someone else once you were benched? Because your replacement(s) suck too. But they’re still better than you are, Fredo. At least they’re still getting playing time!

That’s another thing we don’t understand… Not only were you benched from the Defense, but you haven’t even made a cameo on Special Teams! You know what that means? You REALLY suck. You can’t tackle worth shit. Do you understand that?

You also mention that you don’t think any players understand us Eagles fans? Well you and Desean must be really good friends, because the players who DO GET us, don’t ever quit. They don’t talk down to fans or bash us in the media. They don’t blame us for their horrendous plat on the field. They play their hearts out and leave EVERYTHING on the field. They don’t whine like little bitches. They don’t take out their personal frustrations on the fans. They have character. Something you clearly don’t understand.

And why are Eagles fans more vocal after wins and losses than other cities? Because we are undyingly loyal and so passionate about our football team that we live and die with every play. Welcome to the East Coast, Fredo.

We’ve never, in all our years of watching football, seen a Linebacker get taken out of plays by blockers the way you did. We’ve never seen a Linebacker with ZERO discernable skills. You can’t play the run, you can’t play in coverage, you can’t blitz, you can’t tackle. All you can do is suck, warm the bench and talk shit about the fans…. Fans, who by the way, were thrilled to have you join the team and see you start at MLB from the get-go. Apparently, like The Walrus, we were blinded by your family name.

You deserve the nickname Fredo. You deserve the label of bust and black sheep. You deserve the scorn and hatred we feel for you now. You deserve to be run out of town the way previous fan-bashing athletes have(*). You deserve to rot on the bench.

(*)We suggest you find Scott Rolen’s phone number, ASAP.

You’re right, Fredo… win and we’ll love you. But even if you lose, we will love you and be loyal to you if you play hard, play smart, play with heart and keep your mouth shut. Just ask Shady.

Problem is, you’re just not capable of any of those things.

Hopefully that’s something you can understand.