The Billionaire Speaks, Says Very Little

December 31, 2012

Fire The WalrusLorne Michaels Jeffrey Lurie took The Walrus’ “flipper” out of his mouth long enough to address the media today… And what he said really wasn’t all that surprising.

Between blowing Andy and talking about how much he loves the fans(*), Lurie made some semi-bold statements, especially when it came to GM Howie Roseman and his job security:

(*)Though, we’re pretty sure we heard him say “the fan’s money.”

“I decided to streamline the whole decision-making process for the whole 2012 draft and offseason. That’s the first draft and offseason I hold completely Howie completely accountable for. The mistakes that were made in the 2011 draft have little or nothing to do with Howie’s evaluations. I think it was important for me to own up to the mistakes that were made an understand where they were coming from, and it was awfully clear.”

So, basically, Lurie blames his lifelong best friend – The Devil (Joe Banner) – for all of the team’s mistakes. Which is fitting, since Banner is no longer here and the players – particularly McCoy, Maclin and Vick – also spent the afternoon throwing their teammates under the bus(**). It’s pretty obvious that Howie had a hand in the “talent” evaluating that translated into the AWFUL 2010 and 2011 drafts and offseasons… But firing Howie is out of the question, because, you know, he just signed a five-year extension.

(**)Which was fine by us. The team completely quit and, in this town, that is 100% unacceptable.

The other somewhat interesting statement that Lurie made, had to do with the next Head Coach. According to Lurie, the next coach will report directly to the owner, while working hand-in-hand with Roseman. So… Who has the final say? Who ultimately makes the personnel decisions? Is Roseman solely responsible for evaluating talent and negotiating contracts? If there’s no true chain of command, who’s responsible when it all goes to shit?

Lurie sure has a lot of work to do. He claimed that they have an extensive targeted list of potential replacements, and they want a strong leader of men… Not a scheme. Not a big name. THAT is interesting. Does that take Chip Kelly and the Cowhers and Grudens off the list? We certainly hope so. Only time will tell.

Meanwhile, the remaining members of Andy’s staff – especially Mornhinweg, Bowles and April – are going to be allowed to finish out their contracts, evaluate their players and have their fates determined by the next head man… Which is really a shame. We’d LOVE to see them fired as well. Of all of the coaches on staff, only Duce Staley deserves to keep his job. We’ll just have to wait and see.

Lurie also mentioned that he feels the pain of the fans and desperately wants to win a Super Bowl… But that the stacks of $100 bills he sleeps on help to ease the pain.

Much more to come.


Walrus Droppings: Adding Insult To Injury

November 6, 2012

While we’re still trying to wrap our heads around what transpired last night in New Orleans and just how bad this Eagles team actually is, let’s take a quick step back.

The other day, we kicked off “The 2012 Eagles Magical Mystery Coaching Tour: The Search For The Next Eagles Head Coach” with a post decrying “retired” NFL coaches. Now, obviously, that was before the Birds dropped a Walrus-sized deuce on the Corporate-Sponsored Superdome carpet, and now there are many more voices chiming in on the “next coach” discussion(*). We’re currently working on part two, which examines current NFL coaches and they’re likelihood of landing in Philadelphia – we’re looking at you Sean Payton… (Unfortunately, you’re turning away and laughing to your friends.) – and will have that for you in the next few days.

(*)Fortunately though, they are heard and respected voices!

ESPN’s Sal Paolantonio, who was on 97.5 The Fanatic with Mike Missanelli this evening, announced his official endorsement for the next coach of the Philadelphia Eagles… Brian Billick?! Seriously.

At first we were surprised, but as Sal Pal explained it, Billick certainly makes sense from a Jeffrey Lurie standpoint. He’s a known commodity that Lurie can sell to the fans, yet he won’t cost the crazy money a Gruden or a Cowher would. And he can coach Offense and coach veterans (Sal’s words). We’d still REALLY prefer to go another route… Especially the Defensive route. Interestingly enough, Paolantonio doesn’t agree.

However, he did bring up a major focal point of our remaining Eagles Magical Mystery Coaching Tour posts: Will the Eagles go with a pedigreed coach or an unknown youngster? On the surface, you’d have to assume the go with the unknown, because that’s how Lurie saves money and that’s how Roseman saves control. Sal Pal seemed to confirm that, but he also wasn’t ruling out a coach with a Super Bowl on his resume. Hence Brian Billick.

You should really listen to the interview, it’s jam-packed with interesting nuggets of Walrusity!

Roseman-Colored Glasses
Another point that Sal and Mike hit on, and a major bit of news that leaked out today… No matter who the next Head Coach may be, he’ll be hired by Howie Roseman, who signed a four-or-five-year extension over the summer , according to the Philadelphia Inquirer’s Jeff McLane. Uggggggggghhhhhhh.

Look, it’s really not surprising at all. He is The Billionaire’s boy, after all, and the man responsible for pushing out Lurie’s long-time best friend, Joe Banner The Devil. This team is Roseman’s to control. As Reid’s on his way out, Roseman’s on his way up and that means he’ll put his own stamp on the franchise with a Head Coach of his choosing. That’s a terrifying thought.

Hell, we’ve already seen the way this guy drafts… And though it’s still way too early to start passing hard judgements on the 2011 and 2012 draft classes, the returns have not been great so far.

We want a COMPLETE AND TOTAL evisceration of the Eagles front office, not the continuation of this fraudulent bullshit. As we said earlier today, we’d rather Lurie move the team away – assuming we’d get the Cleveland deal – and wait three football-less years than deal with his “people” managing the franchise anymore.

Of course, that’s just nonsense though. Lurie and, unfortunately, Roseman are here to stay. Interestingly enough, Sal Paolantonio pointed out, rather emphatically, that Howie leaked this information today to make himself look good. Sounds about right… Especially when you read this report (again from McLane) claiming that an unidentified member of Andy’s staff and/or an Eagles “decision maker” called the Juan firing a “miscalculation.” You don’t say.

The walls are crumbling around The Walrus… It’s a beautiful thing.

The Eagles Can’t Score… Here’s Why
A whole lot of electronic ink has been spilled over the Eagles’ red zone woes, but we turn your attention to the oft-mentioned Bill Barnwell, of Grantland.com, and his phenomenal analysis of an Eagles Offense that has been historically bad inside the 10-yard line(**). That 99-yard pick-six last night? That was the second 90+ yard interception return touchdown the Eagles have given up all year.

(**)An Offense that has scored the fewest first half points in all of football. Seven total first quarter points!

According to Barnwell:

“Turnovers in the red zone that produce touchdowns for the defense simply don’t happen very frequently. From 2007 to 2011, just 12 of the 214 turnovers (5.6 percent) that came on plays that began inside the opposition’s 10-yard line resulted in return touchdowns for the defense. Through the first nine weeks of the 2012 season, there have been 30 such turnovers, and two have been returned for touchdowns. Guess which offense was on the field for both of them? From 2007 to 2011, only one team (the Giants) had more than one turnover inside the opposition’s 10-yard line result in a touchdown return the other way; they had three in five years. In 2012, the Eagles have had two of those plays happen across a stretch of six games. That’s truly remarkable.”

Truly remarkable, indeed. What else is truly remarkable is the amount of points the Eagles have “left on the field” this season. Read the section of Barnwell’s piece titled “The Cost of Vicking,” and you’ll see that Vick’s plethora of turnovers have cost the Eagles approximately 56 points. Says Barnwell:

“It’s enough to turn the Eagles and their NFC-worst minus-50 point differential into a respectable, above-average team.”

And earlier we said that Vick wasn’t even the team’s biggest problem! Ha!

Ladies and gentleman, your 2012 Philadelphia Eagles! It can only get better… Right?!


Not-So Breaking News: We’re Back, Apathetic As Ever

September 8, 2012

Oh, hello there…

Who let you in here?

Just kidding… it’s great to see you! It’s certainly been a while. Why don’t we catch up…

First of all, we apologize. Profusely. We know you guys – what may or may not be left of Fire The Walrus Nation – have been waiting with bated breath for us to chime in on one of the MANY happenings in the past bunch of months, and we have done you a major disservice.

The Walrus pulled a power play and The Devil is dead(*)… or rather, simply replaced with a younger, stingier, Reid-friendly Devil Lite. It turns out, for all of his bullshit, Devil Banner was finally ready to pull the plug on The Walrus.

(*)Actually, he was just exiled to Cleveland. But, you know, isn’t that really the same thing?

But, leave it to Lurie’s love of water mammals – or whatever illicit pictures Andy has of The Billionaire that could have been used against him in his recent divorce – Andy remains for another year. Though, now with an ultimatum!

We’ll believe it when we see it.

The Eagles seemed to finally realize that Linebacker is actually a position in the NFL – who knew?! – and made a major(ish) trade for a potential real Middle Linebacker (DeMeco Ryans) and spent another in a long line of second-round draft picks on a LB… and we know how well that’s worked out for The Walrus(**). Let’s hope – and so far so good – Mychal Kendricks is the exception to what’s become the rule. Unfortunately, the reviews on Ryans have been mixed at best so far… so the LB position remains incomplete.

(**)The ghosts of Quinton Caver and Matt McCoy are still lurking around the NovaCare Complex.

The Walrus decided to hire Todd Bowles to coach the Secondary… even though he was an interim Head Coach and a strong Defensive Coordinator candidate. It’s a strong move, but why keep inexperienced Juan and supplement him with Jim Washburn and Bowles, rather than simply hand the keys to one of the more experienced guys? Because Andy Reid doesn’t make mistakes. Haven’t you been paying attention for the last fourteen years!

And, unfortunately, we can’t not mention the elephant walrus in the room… Garrett Reid. What happened was extraordinarily unfortunate and horrible, and in no way has anything to do with Andy Reid as a Coach. As we’ve said since we started this site, Andy’s personal life is just that, personal. What happens with his family is off limits here, regardless of how it may or may not affect his job performance.  Our anger with Reid stems from his game day coaching abilities and decision-making, his reckless disregard of Defense and his incredible stubbornness/belief that he invented the game of football. Not his parenting. End of conversation.

Now that we’re all caught up, why have we failed to chime in on any of this prior to Christmas Eve the eve of the 2012 season?

In all honesty, the combination of Eli and the Giants winning another Super Bowl(***) and the return of both The Walrus and Magic Don Juan Cantcoachdefenselo(****), put us in such a football-loathing funk, that we simply couldn’t care to spill any electronic ink over any of it.

(***)Maybe we should just stop writing now…

(****)Oh masochism, why can’t we quit you?!

Apathy is a hell of a drug. We just couldn’t find the urge/desire/need to care… also, basketball was really good this year!  The Eagles have long been the family member that perpetually disappoints us, but the last few seasons – particularly last season’s kerfuffle – finally put us over the edge.  We are basically a 15th Andy Reid season away from officially becoming Jesse Pinkman’s parents and cutting them off for good(*****).

(*****)But don’t actually count on that happening. We simply can’t help but hold out hope that our fuck-up of a team will kick its nasty Walrus addiction and rehabilitate with a healthy dose of Defense.

We actually really liked what the team did in the draft – though let’s all calm down on the whole “Nick Foles is the next Joe Montana” noise(******) – and are fans of the Eagles’ youth movement. But it’s really hard to find the love for a team that you know is just simply going to disappoint you again.  We know exactly what’s going to happen this season: The Eagles will win between 8 and 12 games and either barley-miss the playoffs or simply be one and done in the second season.  And that will be more than enough for Reid to return.

(******)With that being said, we’re intrigued. Michael Vick hasn’t won a playoff game since the 2004 season and obviously can’t make it through a full slate of games. We liked Kafka… but obviously Andy likes what he sees in Foles more.

So, as we’re stuck in a constant cycle of the departed Devil Banner’s definition of insanity, we’ve simply lost the will to give even the slightest bit of fucks about what transpired so far for the 2012 Philadelphia Eagles… until now.

Tomorrow is the day! Eagles football is back… and no matter how apathetic we may be, no matter how low our expectations are, no matter how sure we are that the team will go 10-6, win a playoff game and tear our hearts out once again in the Divisional Round… we’re happy to have them back. We just wish they were about 350+ lbs. lighter.

It’s good to be back. Fire The Walrus.


NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Eagles Do Nothing And Like It

January 30, 2012

In case you haven’t heard yet today(*), Don Juan Castillo is officially back in the saddle as Eagles Defensive Coordinator. Let’s just let that sink in for a minute, shall we…

(*)Or have yet to come to the sobering realization.

Done yet? No? Need another moment?

Good? Ok, let’s move on.

Basically The Walrus, The Devil and The Billionaire just said to all of us “We’re good. We like what we saw in 2011. Let’s give it another go in 2012.”

If the Billionaire slapping us in the face once this offseason wasn’t enough, well, time to take it on the other cheek. So much for all of his “disappointed, embarrassed, disgraced” bullshit bravado. Way to really be committed to change there, Mr. Oscars-Are-More-Important-Than-Lombardis. What a pompous asshole.

The team’s big solution to fixing Juan’s insanely pathetic, maddeningly awful Defense? Bring in Miami’s recently jettisoned interim Head Coach Todd Bowles to coach the Secondary. Seriously. That’s the big Machiavellian coaching move that’s going to change it all!

So, if you’re keeping track — and we know we are — that’s zero semblance of an actual plan, and 100% complacency. Good job fellas! Way to make up for the lost season of 2011!

To add insult to injury, the front office has the testicular fortitude to claim that they see Bowles as a soon-to-be NFL Head Coach(**)… Well guess what Eagles ass brass? Make him your freaking Head Coach then! Stop dicking around and wasting our time with that fat useless Walrus you have, who needs more time to catch his breath than come up with gameplans. If Bowles is so highly sought after, at least give him the job of running the Defense, not playing understudy to an underqualified, overwhelmed Offensive Line Coach.

(**)He did interview for various Head Coaching vacancies in the last few weeks.

The state of this team is unbearable anymore. They already declared that the 2012 season is a lost cause… because guess what? They will NOT win a Super Bowl with Juan Castillo as their Defensive Coordinator. Or Andy Walrus Reid as their Head Choke-artist Coach. Reuben Frank knows it. Jaws knows it. We know it. Shit, the entire football-following world knows it.

According to Frank, they didn’t even attempt to go after Steve Spagnuolo, an planned on keeping Juan all along. That’s just awesome.

Your biggest rival is 60 minutes away from winning ANOTHER Super Bowl… and this is the move you make to counter attack?! It’s inexplicable. It’s embarrassing.

It’s typical Eagles football.

We’ll be back tomorrow after The Walrus finally pulls his head out of his ass to speak to the media. Unless of course its to wax poetic about the Sixers(***) again… In which case, you may see us on the news, being led out of the NovaCare Complex.

(***)A Philadelphia sports team that’s actually, you know, enjoyable to watch…

Just let the cops know that our motives were just.


The Day After: The Nightmare May Be Over But The Insanity Continues

January 2, 2012

Another season gone, another empty trophy case.

Sure the Eagles “looked like a football team” these last four weeks, but at what cost? To save face? To save Juan’s job? To save The Walrus from extinction?

They may have been playing for pride, but the Eagles just rubbed the 2011 season in our faces. They showed us what could have been, and that’s a kick in the teeth. There’s no consolation prize for finishing the season on four game win streak, when the first twelve games were a mitigated failure.

Thanks for finally showing guys! Maybe you should have done that in September…

Meanwhile, The Devil and The Billionaire have been in uncharacteristically silent, sparking “intrigue” into what might be going on behind the scenes. But don’t get your hopes up, because Andy Reid will be back once again. Maybe they do replace Juan with Stevie Spags – who we would love to see return home, as he was the rightful heir to Jim Johnson’s DC throne… But apparently can’t co-exist with Jim Washburn and the Wide-9 – but major, headline-making changes are not on the horizon.

We’re calling Banner’s bluff. As “all in” as they may have been in August, the excuses are coming in January… no minicamps, no real offseason, limited training camp, no time for cohesion, too many new faces. The front office will give Andy another chance with this team.

What’s the definition of insanity? Doing the same over and over again and excepting different results.

Welcome to 2012… Year 14 of insanity.


Walrus Droppings: Even On Off Days The Eagles Find Ways To Make Us Hate Them More

December 8, 2011

Vick’s Epiphany Is Too Little, Too Late
Yesterday, Michael Vick dropped a sound bite that was insanely infuriating.

The oft-injured Quarterback, who is coming back to the starting lineup after his latest ailment – and just in time… it’s not like we want the Eagles to lose the remaining four games or anything(*) – has finally come to a realization that he needs to better protect himself. By sliding. Welcome to 2010 Mike Vick!

(*)Sarcasm alert!

Look, we love the guy’s heart and toughness, and if you’re an avid reader of this site, you know we hold a special place for players who “leave it all out on the field.” But this is something that we, along with every Eagles fan and Philadelphia sports media member, have been screaming for him to do since he took over as the team’s leader. We specifically recall an interview Vick did with Mike Missanelli, where Mikey Miss pleaded for him to start sliding and Vick declared that he didn’t know how, nor did he want to. It wasn’t his style.

Apparently, breaking multiple ribs and missing multiple games is right up Vick’s alley.

Vick puts himself in harm’s way when he takes off down field. He rarely runs out of bounds, never, ever slides, and somehow absorbs more punishing hits than anyone else in the league – though Roethlisraper is certainly a close second. Vick is a warrior, we get that. But there comes a point where putting your health on the line can be detrimental to the team… and Vick passed that point last season.

Think about it this way: If Vick doesn’t get knocked out of the Falcons game in Week 2, do the Eagles lose? If Vick starts against the Patriots and Seahawks, are those games (embarrassing) losses? We don’t know the answers, but we do know that we like the team’s chances a whole lot more with Vick under center than Kafka or Young.

So while we’re glad that Vick has “learned” his lesson, we would have been much happier if he would have just come to that conclusion a year or two earlier. But, you know, a full 16 games of Vick clearly isn’t as important as a 4-8 record…(**)

(**)Did we mention that we hate this team?

Eagles Claim Another Meaningless “Championship”
If you’re an Eagles season ticket holder, or a sucker member of the official Philadelphia Eagles mailing list, then yesterday you received an email notifying you that the Eagles were named the 2011 Sport Team of the Year.

Now, if you’re like us, the first thought that popped into your brain when reading that was obviously: “What organization honors teams for being the best at being the most disappointing? Did the Razzies start handing out sports awards?” No, they didn’t.

The award was actually given to the Eagles by Beyond Sport, an organization “dedicated to using the power of sports to bring about social change around the world.”(***)

(***)And an organization who’s Web site is unreadable. Seriously guys… dark gray type on a dark maroon background?!

Why did the Eagles receive such a “high” honor? According to the Eagles’ letter:

What this award really does is recognize the many, many contributions of everyone in Eagles Nation to the success of these programs since 1994.

Yes, the Eagles have a superb recycling program. Yes, the Linc is vegetarian friendly. Yes, the Eagles are all about energy conservation, what with the wind turbines that will be installed on top of the Linc(****). Yes, the Eagles raise money for Breast Cancer Awareness and do their part to “Go Green.” It’s all very respectable.

(****)Wasn’t that supposed to happen by now? They weren’t bullshitting us, were they?

What’s not respectable? Shoving their accomplishment in our faces.

Is the letter – signed by The Billionaire, The Devil, The Walrus and, very curiously, The Billionaire’s wife (?!) – supposed to make us feel better? Is it supposed to make us forget about this pathetic excuse for a season? Are we supposed to talk about how good are football team is… at caring about others?

We’re all for Breast Cancer Awareness and being environmentally conscious and being good to others – you know, besides a particular Walrus – but the only environmental thing the Eagles have done all year is save paper by not handing out pink slips to the coaching staff!

Eagles’ management should get a clue. Save your self-serving announcements of non-football related accolades for the offseason. No need to make us even angrier than we are. Because, honestly, the second thought we had about this letter – after “Really?!” – was “shove it up your ass!”

But hey, maybe The Billionaire was right, the Eagles’ organization really is the gold standard… at everything OTHER THAN FOOTBALL.


The Day After: The Rest Of The League Calls The Eagles “All In” Bluff

December 2, 2011

We shouldn’t be this mad this morning. We expected the Eagles to lose in Seattle… what with the short week, cross-country trip and no talent.

But what we witnessed last night was demoralizing/embarrassing/comical/heart-wrenching. The 2011 Philadelphia Eagles did the one thing that we find more deplorable than sticking up for Andy Reid: they quit. Quit on their coach (finally), quit on themselves and, worst of all, quit on their city.

It’s one thing to be bad. It’s an entirely different thing to be bad and have no heart.

So THIS is what it’s like to be a Coughlin-era Giants fan!(*)

(*)And even they got a fucking Super Bowl win out of it…

We don’t know about you out there in Fire The Walrus-nation, but we are mortified to be Eagles fans this morning. It hurts to have the team you live and die for show zero heart and desire on national television(**). It’s painful to have the team that means more to you than family quit against a team led by Tarvaris Jackson and Pete Cheat Carroll. It’s stupid to care this much, we know… but we do.

(**)Though we’re pretty positive that the only people watching that awful “game” were Eagles fans, Seahawks fans and degenerate gamblers.

We’ve never hated an Eagles team, but this year’s vintage has seriously put us over the edge. The Eagles are like a sibling… sure they do stuff that annoys us and from time to time (like the 2009 season) they do things that make us really angry and frustrated with them. But we never HATED them. The 2011 Eagles are the equivalent of your sibling raping/murdering your spouse. We hate them. We don’t care if they don’t make it back from Seattle.

Can you tell how angry we are today?

In all seriousness though, this HAS to be the end of the line for The Walrus. No matter how we’ve felt about Andy, the one thing we’ve always defended him on was the fact that his players never quit on him. No matter how ugly and tumultuous things got for his teams, they never stop playing for him. Well guess what… that’s over with! The tipping point has come. His players no longer care to kill themselves for him. And that is the straw that will finally break The Walrus’ back.

The Billionaire and The Devil and Howie – who all deserve an equal amount of scorn and pink slips(***) – have no excuse for not firing Reid. It’s over. His reign of terror is done. There is no coming back from this.

(***)If only someone had the power to shitcan the owner…

We have many more thoughts/concerns/comments regarding last night and the state of the team in general – things like: Desean Jackson is a bitch. Vince Young is a third-stringer at best. Jim Johnson could coach better from his grave than Juan Castillo does from the sideline – but we need to collect our thoughts and cool off.

Unlike The Walrus’ tenure, this isn’t over. More later.