Walrus Droppings: Even On Off Days The Eagles Find Ways To Make Us Hate Them More

Vick’s Epiphany Is Too Little, Too Late
Yesterday, Michael Vick dropped a sound bite that was insanely infuriating.

The oft-injured Quarterback, who is coming back to the starting lineup after his latest ailment – and just in time… it’s not like we want the Eagles to lose the remaining four games or anything(*) – has finally come to a realization that he needs to better protect himself. By sliding. Welcome to 2010 Mike Vick!

(*)Sarcasm alert!

Look, we love the guy’s heart and toughness, and if you’re an avid reader of this site, you know we hold a special place for players who “leave it all out on the field.” But this is something that we, along with every Eagles fan and Philadelphia sports media member, have been screaming for him to do since he took over as the team’s leader. We specifically recall an interview Vick did with Mike Missanelli, where Mikey Miss pleaded for him to start sliding and Vick declared that he didn’t know how, nor did he want to. It wasn’t his style.

Apparently, breaking multiple ribs and missing multiple games is right up Vick’s alley.

Vick puts himself in harm’s way when he takes off down field. He rarely runs out of bounds, never, ever slides, and somehow absorbs more punishing hits than anyone else in the league – though Roethlisraper is certainly a close second. Vick is a warrior, we get that. But there comes a point where putting your health on the line can be detrimental to the team… and Vick passed that point last season.

Think about it this way: If Vick doesn’t get knocked out of the Falcons game in Week 2, do the Eagles lose? If Vick starts against the Patriots and Seahawks, are those games (embarrassing) losses? We don’t know the answers, but we do know that we like the team’s chances a whole lot more with Vick under center than Kafka or Young.

So while we’re glad that Vick has “learned” his lesson, we would have been much happier if he would have just come to that conclusion a year or two earlier. But, you know, a full 16 games of Vick clearly isn’t as important as a 4-8 record…(**)

(**)Did we mention that we hate this team?

Eagles Claim Another Meaningless “Championship”
If you’re an Eagles season ticket holder, or a sucker member of the official Philadelphia Eagles mailing list, then yesterday you received an email notifying you that the Eagles were named the 2011 Sport Team of the Year.

Now, if you’re like us, the first thought that popped into your brain when reading that was obviously: “What organization honors teams for being the best at being the most disappointing? Did the Razzies start handing out sports awards?” No, they didn’t.

The award was actually given to the Eagles by Beyond Sport, an organization “dedicated to using the power of sports to bring about social change around the world.”(***)

(***)And an organization who’s Web site is unreadable. Seriously guys… dark gray type on a dark maroon background?!

Why did the Eagles receive such a “high” honor? According to the Eagles’ letter:

What this award really does is recognize the many, many contributions of everyone in Eagles Nation to the success of these programs since 1994.

Yes, the Eagles have a superb recycling program. Yes, the Linc is vegetarian friendly. Yes, the Eagles are all about energy conservation, what with the wind turbines that will be installed on top of the Linc(****). Yes, the Eagles raise money for Breast Cancer Awareness and do their part to “Go Green.” It’s all very respectable.

(****)Wasn’t that supposed to happen by now? They weren’t bullshitting us, were they?

What’s not respectable? Shoving their accomplishment in our faces.

Is the letter – signed by The Billionaire, The Devil, The Walrus and, very curiously, The Billionaire’s wife (?!) – supposed to make us feel better? Is it supposed to make us forget about this pathetic excuse for a season? Are we supposed to talk about how good are football team is… at caring about others?

We’re all for Breast Cancer Awareness and being environmentally conscious and being good to others – you know, besides a particular Walrus – but the only environmental thing the Eagles have done all year is save paper by not handing out pink slips to the coaching staff!

Eagles’ management should get a clue. Save your self-serving announcements of non-football related accolades for the offseason. No need to make us even angrier than we are. Because, honestly, the second thought we had about this letter – after “Really?!” – was “shove it up your ass!”

But hey, maybe The Billionaire was right, the Eagles’ organization really is the gold standard… at everything OTHER THAN FOOTBALL.

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