Fire The Walrus

While we’re still trying to wrap our heads around what transpired last night in New Orleans and just how bad this Eagles team actually is, let’s take a quick step back.

The other day, we kicked off “The 2012 Eagles Magical Mystery Coaching Tour: The Search For The Next Eagles Head Coach” with a post decrying “retired” NFL coaches. Now, obviously, that was before the Birds dropped a Walrus-sized deuce on the Corporate-Sponsored Superdome carpet, and now there are many more voices chiming in on the “next coach” discussion(*). We’re currently working on part two, which examines current NFL coaches and they’re likelihood of landing in Philadelphia – we’re looking at you Sean Payton… (Unfortunately, you’re turning away and laughing to your friends.) – and will have that for you in the next few days.

(*)Fortunately though, they are heard and respected voices!

ESPN’s Sal Paolantonio, who was on 97.5 The Fanatic with Mike Missanelli this evening, announced his official endorsement for the next coach of the Philadelphia Eagles… Brian Billick?! Seriously.

At first we were surprised, but as Sal Pal explained it, Billick certainly makes sense from a Jeffrey Lurie standpoint. He’s a known commodity that Lurie can sell to the fans, yet he won’t cost the crazy money a Gruden or a Cowher would. And he can coach Offense and coach veterans (Sal’s words). We’d still REALLY prefer to go another route… Especially the Defensive route. Interestingly enough, Paolantonio doesn’t agree.

However, he did bring up a major focal point of our remaining Eagles Magical Mystery Coaching Tour posts: Will the Eagles go with a pedigreed coach or an unknown youngster? On the surface, you’d have to assume the go with the unknown, because that’s how Lurie saves money and that’s how Roseman saves control. Sal Pal seemed to confirm that, but he also wasn’t ruling out a coach with a Super Bowl on his resume. Hence Brian Billick.

You should really listen to the interview, it’s jam-packed with interesting nuggets of Walrusity!

Roseman-Colored Glasses
Another point that Sal and Mike hit on, and a major bit of news that leaked out today… No matter who the next Head Coach may be, he’ll be hired by Howie Roseman, who signed a four-or-five-year extension over the summer , according to the Philadelphia Inquirer’s Jeff McLane. Uggggggggghhhhhhh.

Look, it’s really not surprising at all. He is The Billionaire’s boy, after all, and the man responsible for pushing out Lurie’s long-time best friend, Joe Banner The Devil. This team is Roseman’s to control. As Reid’s on his way out, Roseman’s on his way up and that means he’ll put his own stamp on the franchise with a Head Coach of his choosing. That’s a terrifying thought.

Hell, we’ve already seen the way this guy drafts… And though it’s still way too early to start passing hard judgements on the 2011 and 2012 draft classes, the returns have not been great so far.

We want a COMPLETE AND TOTAL evisceration of the Eagles front office, not the continuation of this fraudulent bullshit. As we said earlier today, we’d rather Lurie move the team away – assuming we’d get the Cleveland deal – and wait three football-less years than deal with his “people” managing the franchise anymore.

Of course, that’s just nonsense though. Lurie and, unfortunately, Roseman are here to stay. Interestingly enough, Sal Paolantonio pointed out, rather emphatically, that Howie leaked this information today to make himself look good. Sounds about right… Especially when you read this report (again from McLane) claiming that an unidentified member of Andy’s staff and/or an Eagles “decision maker” called the Juan firing a “miscalculation.” You don’t say.

The walls are crumbling around The Walrus… It’s a beautiful thing.

The Eagles Can’t Score… Here’s Why
A whole lot of electronic ink has been spilled over the Eagles’ red zone woes, but we turn your attention to the oft-mentioned Bill Barnwell, of Grantland.com, and his phenomenal analysis of an Eagles Offense that has been historically bad inside the 10-yard line(**). That 99-yard pick-six last night? That was the second 90+ yard interception return touchdown the Eagles have given up all year.

(**)An Offense that has scored the fewest first half points in all of football. Seven total first quarter points!

According to Barnwell:

“Turnovers in the red zone that produce touchdowns for the defense simply don’t happen very frequently. From 2007 to 2011, just 12 of the 214 turnovers (5.6 percent) that came on plays that began inside the opposition’s 10-yard line resulted in return touchdowns for the defense. Through the first nine weeks of the 2012 season, there have been 30 such turnovers, and two have been returned for touchdowns. Guess which offense was on the field for both of them? From 2007 to 2011, only one team (the Giants) had more than one turnover inside the opposition’s 10-yard line result in a touchdown return the other way; they had three in five years. In 2012, the Eagles have had two of those plays happen across a stretch of six games. That’s truly remarkable.”

Truly remarkable, indeed. What else is truly remarkable is the amount of points the Eagles have “left on the field” this season. Read the section of Barnwell’s piece titled “The Cost of Vicking,” and you’ll see that Vick’s plethora of turnovers have cost the Eagles approximately 56 points. Says Barnwell:

“It’s enough to turn the Eagles and their NFC-worst minus-50 point differential into a respectable, above-average team.”

And earlier we said that Vick wasn’t even the team’s biggest problem! Ha!

Ladies and gentleman, your 2012 Philadelphia Eagles! It can only get better… Right?!

Vick’s Epiphany Is Too Little, Too Late
Yesterday, Michael Vick dropped a sound bite that was insanely infuriating.

The oft-injured Quarterback, who is coming back to the starting lineup after his latest ailment – and just in time… it’s not like we want the Eagles to lose the remaining four games or anything(*) – has finally come to a realization that he needs to better protect himself. By sliding. Welcome to 2010 Mike Vick!

(*)Sarcasm alert!

Look, we love the guy’s heart and toughness, and if you’re an avid reader of this site, you know we hold a special place for players who “leave it all out on the field.” But this is something that we, along with every Eagles fan and Philadelphia sports media member, have been screaming for him to do since he took over as the team’s leader. We specifically recall an interview Vick did with Mike Missanelli, where Mikey Miss pleaded for him to start sliding and Vick declared that he didn’t know how, nor did he want to. It wasn’t his style.

Apparently, breaking multiple ribs and missing multiple games is right up Vick’s alley.

Vick puts himself in harm’s way when he takes off down field. He rarely runs out of bounds, never, ever slides, and somehow absorbs more punishing hits than anyone else in the league – though Roethlisraper is certainly a close second. Vick is a warrior, we get that. But there comes a point where putting your health on the line can be detrimental to the team… and Vick passed that point last season.

Think about it this way: If Vick doesn’t get knocked out of the Falcons game in Week 2, do the Eagles lose? If Vick starts against the Patriots and Seahawks, are those games (embarrassing) losses? We don’t know the answers, but we do know that we like the team’s chances a whole lot more with Vick under center than Kafka or Young.

So while we’re glad that Vick has “learned” his lesson, we would have been much happier if he would have just come to that conclusion a year or two earlier. But, you know, a full 16 games of Vick clearly isn’t as important as a 4-8 record…(**)

(**)Did we mention that we hate this team?

Eagles Claim Another Meaningless “Championship”
If you’re an Eagles season ticket holder, or a sucker member of the official Philadelphia Eagles mailing list, then yesterday you received an email notifying you that the Eagles were named the 2011 Sport Team of the Year.

Now, if you’re like us, the first thought that popped into your brain when reading that was obviously: “What organization honors teams for being the best at being the most disappointing? Did the Razzies start handing out sports awards?” No, they didn’t.

The award was actually given to the Eagles by Beyond Sport, an organization “dedicated to using the power of sports to bring about social change around the world.”(***)

(***)And an organization who’s Web site is unreadable. Seriously guys… dark gray type on a dark maroon background?!

Why did the Eagles receive such a “high” honor? According to the Eagles’ letter:

What this award really does is recognize the many, many contributions of everyone in Eagles Nation to the success of these programs since 1994.

Yes, the Eagles have a superb recycling program. Yes, the Linc is vegetarian friendly. Yes, the Eagles are all about energy conservation, what with the wind turbines that will be installed on top of the Linc(****). Yes, the Eagles raise money for Breast Cancer Awareness and do their part to “Go Green.” It’s all very respectable.

(****)Wasn’t that supposed to happen by now? They weren’t bullshitting us, were they?

What’s not respectable? Shoving their accomplishment in our faces.

Is the letter – signed by The Billionaire, The Devil, The Walrus and, very curiously, The Billionaire’s wife (?!) – supposed to make us feel better? Is it supposed to make us forget about this pathetic excuse for a season? Are we supposed to talk about how good are football team is… at caring about others?

We’re all for Breast Cancer Awareness and being environmentally conscious and being good to others – you know, besides a particular Walrus – but the only environmental thing the Eagles have done all year is save paper by not handing out pink slips to the coaching staff!

Eagles’ management should get a clue. Save your self-serving announcements of non-football related accolades for the offseason. No need to make us even angrier than we are. Because, honestly, the second thought we had about this letter – after “Really?!” – was “shove it up your ass!”

But hey, maybe The Billionaire was right, the Eagles’ organization really is the gold standard… at everything OTHER THAN FOOTBALL.