Allow Me To Reintroduce Myself

October 4, 2013

Reader Alec Katzman: “You need to continue the site in some form. You were one of my favorite bookmarks even though I’m a Pats fan out west; it was brilliant.”

Reader Matthew Lippman: “We have followed you for years and now radio silence???”

I’ve received numerous emails and inquiries like these over the last few months. “Where are you?” “What happened?” “Were you really just Andy Reid trying to undermine his own job this entire time?”

I honestly don’t have a great answer for those questions(*) – though the thought of The Walrus posing as an infuriated and incensed season ticket holder is an intriguing idea. The best I can do is come clean and admit fatigue. Fatigue from losing, fatigue from being miserable, fatigue from The Billionaire and Howie and sports talk radio and from the hopelessness that was our Philadelphia Eagles.

(*)Full disclosure #1: I got married and made a career change since Andy was fired, among a few other big life changes, but that’s not a viable excuse for disappearing like I was Jeffrey Lurie during the 2012 Eagles season.

So thanks for coming back, I truly appreciate it and am here to serve you, the frustrated Eagles fan.

Let’s start over…

Why are we here (again)?

There’s a common misconception about the goal of this site and my original intentions. This became painfully clear when my phone and inbox blew up with a plethora of texts, tweets, emails and tirades after Andy’s Chiefs came in and – in all honesty – did what they were expected to do two Thursdays ago.

Let’s clear the air right here: I DO NOT CARE ABOUT ANDY REID, KANSAS CITY CHEIFS HEAD COACH.

Yes, I cared deeply that Andy was our coach, which was the impetus for this site’s inception. After more than a decade of watching the same result season-after-season, the frustration levels reached critical mass… and Fire The Walrus was born.

But just to reiterate this again: I hold no animosity towards Andy Reid the person(**); only Andy Reid, Head Coach of the Philadelphia Eagles.

(**)Save for the occasional – okay, more than occasional – potshots at Andy’s potbelly.

Now he’s gone, we’re happy for him, and frankly, good for him for being 4-0 and turning Kansas City’s fortunes around. I never said he wasn’t a good coach; he just lasted way past his expiration date in Philadelphia and we HAD to move on.

But, before we get off The Walrus completely(***), one more quick word on his new gig… A question I’ve gotten a lot in the weeks following that Chief’s win at the Linc: “How’s it going to feel when Andy wins a Super Bowl this season?”

(***)Don’t worry… I’m sure his exploits will still be covered here, when necessary.

To that I say, “HA!” Sure, the Chiefs look good and are clearly poised for a playoff run. But c’mon… a Super Bowl?! I’ve been saying since the day he was hired (and yes I realize I should have been saying it right here) that the Chiefs will win 9-11 games for the next few seasons… But be prematurely knocked out of the playoffs on an annual basis. Where have we seen that before?

Quick aside on the 2013 Chiefs: Amazingly, Andy’s doing it with his old formula: an Offense based on ball control and dink-and-dunking – which Alex Smith is perfectly suited for since he can’t throw the ball more than 15 yards downfield; and a Defense that is predicated on pressure up front and a ballhawking secondary. Of course, per Andy’s M.O., the Defense is 100% out of his control. It also helped that he chose a destination that came preloaded with six defensive All-Pros.

And if Andy were to win a Super Bowl? Good for him. Who cares?! He’s in the AFC, in a completely different situation and seems to be rejuvenated. As long as he doesn’t beat the Birds in a championship, it really wouldn’t matter(****).

(****)Full disclosure #2: Of course, I say all that now. Check back in February if the Chiefs get past Denver in the AFC Championship Game.

But we’re getting off topic. The point is: we’re no longer here to discuss Andy Reid. He is no longer our problem. He’s now the responsibility of the EMS workers hired to follow him to every BBQ joint he visits in Kansas City(*****).

(*****)Sorry, old habits die hard.

So, why are we here?

As a lifelong, third-generation Eagles season ticket holder and diehard – we’ve had tickets since 1939 and I’ve been to almost every single home game for the past 24 years(******) – I put way too much stock into the Eagles. My mood and personality varies week-to-week based on their performance. I live and die by the Birds and eat/drink/breathe/sweat/bleed Eagles football, as I’m sure many of you do as well.

(******)I swear this is supposed to come off as a credential, not a humblebrag.

And that’s why these last five or so years have been so hard. They’ve been frustrating, maddening, depressing and soul-crushing. They haven’t won a home game for more than a full calendar year (September 30, 2012 against the Giants). They haven’t stopped a receiver over the middle since the days of William Thomas (Willie T!). They haven’t inspired hope in fans since that fateful Dramavon McNabb overthrow of Kevin Curtis – it hit his fingertips! – in the 2008 NFC Championship Game in Arizona.

And we have only one person to thank for all that: Mr. Billionaire himself, Jeffrey Lurie.

Has any other owner in the NFL overseen more poor decisions over the last few years than Lurie? I mean, besides Jerry Jones and Jimmy Haslam, of course… Stubbornly sticking with Reid far too long; anything having to do with Joe Banner; the “dream team” offseason; naming Howie Roseman GM; retaining Vick and any members of the 2012 secondary; anything related to the words “wide” and “9”; letting Reid use Defensive Coordinator-after-Defensive Coordinator as scapegoats; allowing his team quit on their coach. Those are some pretty shitty choices.

Chip Kelly? That decision remains to be seen.

So far, there have been flashes of brilliance and excitement – mostly the first 30 minutes of the opening game – but the jury is clearly still out on the Chip Kelly experiment.

Frankly, I’m ok with that. This year is a freebie for Chip, as hard as it is to not get worked up with every mounting loss. This roster is still mostly made up of Andy’s guys and the Defense still needs a major overhaul – something that began this offseason, but really requires another draft and influx of veterans who can, you know, tackle. Plus, that albatross known as Michael Vick is still here, keeping the starting Quarterback spot warm for whomever Chip decides to bring in next season (and Chip is DEFINITELY bringing another arm in).

What Chip does represent though, for the first time in many years for Eagles fans, is hope. We’re seeing something new and intriguing. We don’t know if it’s going to work yet, but it’s just not Andy. And really, that’s good enough for right now.

I’ll delve a little more into Chip and the issues that plague the 2013 version of our disappointing football team shortly (I promise). But for now, let’s just say hello old friends, it’s good to be back. 

And of course, Fire The Walrus Billionaire. (Still working the kinks out of that one.)


The Billionaire Speaks, Says Very Little

December 31, 2012

Fire The WalrusLorne Michaels Jeffrey Lurie took The Walrus’ “flipper” out of his mouth long enough to address the media today… And what he said really wasn’t all that surprising.

Between blowing Andy and talking about how much he loves the fans(*), Lurie made some semi-bold statements, especially when it came to GM Howie Roseman and his job security:

(*)Though, we’re pretty sure we heard him say “the fan’s money.”

“I decided to streamline the whole decision-making process for the whole 2012 draft and offseason. That’s the first draft and offseason I hold completely Howie completely accountable for. The mistakes that were made in the 2011 draft have little or nothing to do with Howie’s evaluations. I think it was important for me to own up to the mistakes that were made an understand where they were coming from, and it was awfully clear.”

So, basically, Lurie blames his lifelong best friend – The Devil (Joe Banner) – for all of the team’s mistakes. Which is fitting, since Banner is no longer here and the players – particularly McCoy, Maclin and Vick – also spent the afternoon throwing their teammates under the bus(**). It’s pretty obvious that Howie had a hand in the “talent” evaluating that translated into the AWFUL 2010 and 2011 drafts and offseasons… But firing Howie is out of the question, because, you know, he just signed a five-year extension.

(**)Which was fine by us. The team completely quit and, in this town, that is 100% unacceptable.

The other somewhat interesting statement that Lurie made, had to do with the next Head Coach. According to Lurie, the next coach will report directly to the owner, while working hand-in-hand with Roseman. So… Who has the final say? Who ultimately makes the personnel decisions? Is Roseman solely responsible for evaluating talent and negotiating contracts? If there’s no true chain of command, who’s responsible when it all goes to shit?

Lurie sure has a lot of work to do. He claimed that they have an extensive targeted list of potential replacements, and they want a strong leader of men… Not a scheme. Not a big name. THAT is interesting. Does that take Chip Kelly and the Cowhers and Grudens off the list? We certainly hope so. Only time will tell.

Meanwhile, the remaining members of Andy’s staff – especially Mornhinweg, Bowles and April – are going to be allowed to finish out their contracts, evaluate their players and have their fates determined by the next head man… Which is really a shame. We’d LOVE to see them fired as well. Of all of the coaches on staff, only Duce Staley deserves to keep his job. We’ll just have to wait and see.

Lurie also mentioned that he feels the pain of the fans and desperately wants to win a Super Bowl… But that the stacks of $100 bills he sleeps on help to ease the pain.

Much more to come.


NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Th-Th-Th-That’s All Folks… For 2012 And The Walrus

December 30, 2012

FINALLY! The worst season we’ve ever witnessed is finally over! We’ve never been excited to see an Eagles season end… Until now.

First of all… We hope you had a wonderful holiday, Fire The Walrus Nation!

Once again, we apologize for the severe lack of posts in the last two weeks. Between the holidays, work and just plain old apathy towards this Eagles season and team, we’ve been struggling to get something up. But there is no excuse, you deserve better.

We still owe you our nomination for the next Eagles coach (spoiler alert: 49ers Defensive Coordinator Vic Fangio, Seahawks Defensive Coordinator Gus Bradley or Penn State Head Coach Bill O’Brien… Sorry Chip Kelly fans) and a response to that humiliating loss to the Redskins last week – which was so boring and obnoxious, we literally had nothing to say… Though the ending – Foles’ inability to get the ball back to the line of scrimmage, ending the game on an intentional grounding call – was extremely fitting for the 2012 Eagles.

The debacle today against the Giants was an even more fitting end to this season, and Andy’s tenure as Eagles coach. A perfect button on an absolutely miserable, inept season and a dismal last few years. For all the bullshit the players talked all year and all week – about how they LOVE Andy and will play their hearts out for them – they sure rolled over and quit.

4-12… What a sorry bunch of assholes. There really isn’t much more to say right now.

We fully expect Andy to be fired tomorrow… And, if not tomorrow, pretty soon thereafter. We will be here to document what will be the highlight of the 2012 Eagles season, as well as post-mortem the season, and any remaining issues we haven’t touched upon in the last few weeks – particularly, what Dramavan McNabb said about Eagles fans this past week.

And don’t worry, FTW Nation… Even with Andy’s ouster, we’re not going anywhere. We love being able to vent and rant and rave to you about all things Eagles, and are thankful every day that you keep coming back to share in our collective misery. So, as long as The Billionaire owns this team, we’ll be here. As long as Howie Roseman is making football decisions, we’ll be here. No matter who the next coach is, we’ll be here. No matter where The Walrus ends up, we’ll be here.

Fire The Walrus is bigger than Andy Reid(*). As long as you’ll have us, we’ll be here.

(*)Which is saying a lot.

For now, at least, our local nightmare is finally over. Let the sweeping changes and mass firings begin!

More to come soon. But until then… Happy New Year Coach!


Andy’s Last Homestand

December 19, 2012

Last Thursday, well before the Eagles melted down in the game against the Bengals, we did something we’ve never done before. For the first time in two-and-a-half decades of attending Eagles home games, we sat in seats that weren’t ours.

Since we were children, we’ve sat right on the upper deck of both the Vet and the Linc, with (no pun intended) a bird’s-eye view of the entire field, able to see all of the action as it unfolded. On Thursday, with more than half the stadium empty, we found our way down into the lower bowl, exactly twenty rows behind the thief known as Demetress Bell. While it was a jarringly different experience, and what we’ve been told our entire lives was confirmed – that it’s difficult to watch the game from that too-close vantage point(*) – what was happening on the field took a back seat to what we were truly paying attention to.

(*)It was akin to sitting in the low bleachers of a high school football game… You see football happening, but it just looks like a bunch of guys running into each other. From our usual seats, you can see each play unfold – follow the QB’s progressions, see the holes opening up for Running Backs, anticipate Wide Receiver’s routes, watch the Defenses alignment and see where they’re blitzing from, etc.

Sitting directly in front of us and two seats over, was president, CEO and general owner of the Philadelphia Phillies, Dave Montgomery. Sitting directly behind us, 15 rows of seats away in his box, was Eagles owner, The Billionaire, Jeffrey Lurie. Needless to say, we spent much of the time watching the facial expressions of both men.

It was highly fascinating. We were absolutely enamored with witnessing their reactions to every boo, every disappointed grumble after a fumble or botched play or missed tackle, every scream directed at Andy(**).

(**)Yes, most materializing out of our mouths…

Unsurprisingly, Lurie’s face was vacant… Just a blank stare out towards the field. The only time his face moved was when he was conversing with that parrot on his shoulder, Howie Roseman. However, instead of kicking around names of the next Head Coach, they were likely discussing ways Lurie could cut costs or new throwback uniforms to suck any remaining money out of the fans pockets.

Quick side note: Our favorite moment of Thursday’s game came when the stadium’s PA system prematurely pumped crowd noise and chants of “Defense” through the plethora of speakers while the actual crowd was dead silent. That invoked cackling laughter from the less-than 45,000 in attendance. A particularly good moment for us, and an equally bad one for The Billionaire!

Meanwhile, Montgomery was rivaling Lurie in his lack of expression, but his subtle acknowledgement of the angry fan base was interesting. When fans were booing vehemently, he would look around with a look on his face that was, at the same time, bothered(***) and satisfied… As if he were thinking “such impatience” and “HAHAHAHA,” simultaneously.

(***)He is, after all, an Eagles fan.

Sure, the Phillies disappointed the city by missing the playoffs last season, but there’s no denying that the two teams have been on diverging paths the last few years. It used to torment Montgomery when fans would fill Citizens Bank Park with “E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!” chants, as the Eagles were perennially in the NFC Championship Game and the Phillies were engulfed in a 13-year long playoff draught. Of course, the tables turned in 2008, but we have to assume that he basks in the boos raining down around him in the Linc. Philadelphia will ALWAYS be a football town first, and he knows that, but the animosity directed at this current team must be nice to the man who runs the city’s second favorite franchise.

It really was an interesting experience… To watch one franchise owner witness the bitter end of his counterpart’s “glory days.”

Which brings us to this week… The bitter bitter end.

For all intents and purposes, this Sunday marks The Walrus’ last home game as Head Coach of the Philadelphia Eagles(****). CSNPhilly.com’s Geoff Mosher already asked how Reid will be received in his (likely) final home game, but we can’t imagine it will be much different from any other game this season. Ever since the chants of “Fire Andy” rained down on the team in last year’s 38-20 defeat to the Patriots, Andy has been feeling immense heat from the home fans. That will only continue.

(****)Until Lurie inexplicably brings him back, sparking murderous outrage across the Delaware Valley.

There will be no outward showing of heartfelt emotion, no pouring of love, no actual acknowledgement that Andy’s done, no “ride off into the sunset” for a coach that even we admit is the best in franchise history. Andy’s last home game will not feel any different than any other game. Tickets won’t be a hot commodity, because no one really cares to wish him farewell. He’s overstayed his welcome and he just needs to leave. It’s a fitting end and one that should have come years ago.

No celebration, no goodbye. Just boos. Maybe he deserved better… We certainly did.

The only thing we know for sure, is that we’ll be in our regular seats. And will still be there long after The Walrus is gone.


Reid Admits He’s Wrong (Kind Of), Lurie’s Head Still Buried In SAnd(y’s Ass)

December 4, 2012

The Walrus held a rather interesting day-after press conference yesterday. Having fired Defensive Line Coach (and apparent asshole) Jim Washburn on the flight home from Dallas Sunday night, Reid faced the media Monday morning and “explained” the move.

While we (obviously) weren’t there, CSNPhilly.com’s Geoff Mosher was, and we want to share Mosher’s thoughts on Reid’s comments. Take it away, Geoff:

Just before he walked away from the podium to abruptly signal the end of his own press conference, Eagles head coach Andy Reid made a stunning admission that he had fired the wrong assistant coach.

Reid shouldn’t have fired defensive coordinator Juan Castillo on Oct. 16 when he sought ways to improve his foundering 3-3 team, which had just blown a 10-point lead to Detroit in the fourth quarter and lost 26-23 in overtime.

He should have retained his longtime and loyal assistant and parted ways with defensive line coach Jim Washburn, who had become an unpopular and divisive figure inside the NovaCare Complex, according to several team sources and other sources familiar with the situation.

“Listen, it’s not how you draw it up,” Reid said when asked how the team could recover from losing its defensive coordinator, defensive line coach and Pro Bowl defensive end Jason Babin — a Washburn disciple who was released last week — all within an eight-week span.

“I’ll end it with I think Juan Castillo is a great person and a fine football coach. Juan will have a long career in the National Football League, and rightly so.”

Reid refused to elaborate on his reasons for dismissing Washburn but acknowledged that the move wasn’t exclusively football-related.

“I’m not going to get into all that stuff,” Reid said. “I will tell you there were just things that I was disappointed in and, as time went on, that I knew. I just thought [firing him] was the right thing to do right now for this football team.”

As always, stubborn Andy admits to being wrong without directly admitting to being wrong. He is the master of spin. But an even larger issue seems to have been brought up by Washburn’s dismissal. As Mosher suggests, and Reuben Frank confirms, Jim Washburn was fractious to the locker room and habitually undermined Juan’s coaching. Per Frank:

Washburn operated apart from Castillo, running his own little defensive line fiefdom and often either ignoring Castillo or derisively calling him “Juanita” in front of his players, the veteran defensive player said. He was condescending and confrontational and embarrassed Castillo frequently in meetings and at practice and also went over the line criticizing his players at times.

As Roob claims – and we wholeheartedly agree – hiring Washburn was a mistake from the start… Especially the fact that Andy brought him in BEFORE hiring a Defensive Coordinator. That move seemingly gave Washburn carte blanche to do as he pleased and ignore whoever was put in charge of him. While the thought of Washburn’s “Wide-Gaping-Hole-9” was nice, it obviously was a failed experiment. And the fact that he was a polarizing, disruptive force inside the NovaCare Complex makes the decision to keep him this long eye-opening. What the hell was The Walrus waiting for?!

And good to know Andy allowed that to go on! It’s no wonder the Defensive players don’t give a shit; they’re too busy watching a petty pissing match between a bunch of old guys. And as we learned back in the halcyon days of the T.O. experience… when there’s a divide between one group of players and another, things go south QUICKLY. This is now the second time in Andy’s tenure (that we know of) that he allowed the locker room to become irrevocably split. How is that NOT a fireable offense?!

Seriously, this whole mess is Andy’s fault, and HE needs to be held accountable… Not Washburn or Babin or Castillo or anyone else he decides to fire over the next four weeks. Again, Jeffrey Lurie has NO BALLS. He’s the only one who can hold Reid responsible for his mistakes, yet he sits in his owner’s box with a grim look on his face and DOES NOTHING. Stop counting your money and wake the fuck up, Billionaire!

It just goes to show… Once Jim Johnson got sick and left the team (and sadly passed away), there was no blueprint for the Defense and Andy was completely, utterly lost.

As NFL Network’s Mike Lombardi points out on yesterday’s B.S. Report with Bill Simmons(*), JJ made all of the personnel decisions and masterminded the entire Defensive side of the ball. Which (more than) basically confirms everything we’ve been saying for the last however many years. The Eagles of the 00’s were Jim Johnson’s team, not Andy’s. Sure, Dramavan was the face of the team, and Andy, the team’s considerably hefty torso, but Johnson was the heart, the brains and the soul of the Eagles.

(*)Listen to the first eight minutes of the podcast, as Lombardi makes really great points about the Eagles’ lack of talent, the firing of Jim Washburn and the majesty that is Wawa. Also Bill and Mike recount a great tweet that compares the final days of the Andy-era to the final days of the Nixon Whitehouse. So, there’s that.

How do you make an eight game losing streak look worse? By admitting that the people running the team don’t know what they’re doing. Forget the “Fool’s Gold” standard. The Philadelphia Eagles can’t even live up to “tin foil.”

What a fucking disgrace this franchise has become…


We’re Mad As Hell And We’re Not Gonna Take It Anymore

November 27, 2012

Our anger from last night has not subsided. In fact, it has only gotten worse.

We’re not really sure why last night’s game seemingly put us over the edge, but it did. You would think losing to the Cowboys or Redskins in such pathetic fashion would incite an undying rage, but for some reason, losing to a franchise that is completely meaningless seems more infuriating.

Maybe it’s the fact that the Panthers were 2-8 going into last night. Maybe it’s the fact that the Eagles seemingly took control of the game after allowing two blatantly undefended touchdowns, only to let it slip away moments later. Maybe it’s due to the wasted efforts of rookie Running Back Bryce Brown(*). Maybe we’re simply mad at ourselves for still caring so much, even though we want them to lose in order to get the coach fired and secure a high draft pick.

(*)For a team that has a complete lack of talent and an even worse approach to evaluating talent, they sure do have some good RBs. Why on Earth though did it take losing Shady for Andy to start running the ball? How does this make even one iota of sense?

Or maybe it has to do with the fact that this team has now lost seven straight…

Yep, there it is. SEVEN STRAIGHT LOSES. SEVEN (7)! This is insanity! Did you know – and by now, you probably do – that the Phillies have won more games than the Eagles since September? This is beyond disgraceful and embarrassing. This is a new low for Philadelphia sports. And we’ve seen our fair share of lowlights.

The players can say they’re mad – as Cullen Jenkins claims to be(**) – or sick over the whole thing (Celek)… but we’re going to call bullshit on that. If they’re so angry and so sick of losing, they’d fucking do something about it! Did you see Jenkins do anything to change the course of that game? Is he yelling at guys on the sideline and being the vocal leader he’s supposed to be? No! There are no leaders on this team. There is no one attempting to pull this squad out of the doldrums. There is NO heart.

(**)And really, how mad can a guy that repeatedly uses the word “golly” be?

And of course, there’s The Walrus. For a guy facing the chopping block, he really doesn’t seem to give a shit if his players play hard or not. No one has been benched, no changes have been made, no player on this team has been held accountable for their lack of effort. Forget the players quitting on their coach… The coach quit has on them. For all the times that bloated mammal has said the words “I need to do a better job,” has he ever actually made an attempt to do so? Does anyone see a difference in the way this team is being run now, then it was a month ago? A year ago?

We always knew Andy was inept at making in-game adjustments, but not changing one thing about this joke of a team is reason enough to kick his fat ass to the Pattison Avenue curb. We get that Jeffrey Lurie has no balls and “respects” Andy too much to fire him midseason… But come on! How much longer does this charade need to go on? Do we really need to watch this team lose 12 straight games before The Billionaire grows a pair and axes this guy? Does he have zero dignity?

How much more proof does Lurie need? Do the players need to just walk off the field mid-play? Does Andy literally have to drop his pants and take a 2012 Eagles on the field? Seriously, what needs to happen for Andy to lose his job?! This is sickening anymore.

So what can be done about it?

Besides one or two, we’ve been to every single game the Eagles have ever played in the Linc… And last night was by far the emptiest we’ve ever seen it! We’ve never even seen preseason games with such few people in the stands. Hell, we could almost fully see the Eagle in the upperdeck seats across from us! Here’s a picture we took five minutes before kickoff, when the stadium is typically at least 2/3 full:

The amount of no-shows were staggering. So at least that’s a start. But either way, Lurie’s getting his money, so it’s a moot point.

And here’s the thing… As season ticket holders, it would be hypocritical of us to tell people to stop giving Jeffrey Lurie money(***), and we’re not organized enough to put together a protest. But something must be done. We need to show the schmucks that run this franchise that we’re pissed off and won’t stand for this putrid display of football anymore.

(***)Though we have stopped spending money at the Linc and would NEVER buy merchandise from an official Eagles store/outlet.

So we’re turning the floor over to you, Fire The Walrus Nation…. What can we do collectively as fans to stick it to The Billionaire and show him that he MUST fire Andy? Let us know your thoughts in the comments.

In the meantime, we’re going to consume high quantities of Advil and try hard to repress the urge to go to the zoo and punch a walrus in the face. More to come.


Giving Thanks

November 21, 2012

On the eve of everyone’s – especially Andy Reid’s – favorite gluttonous holiday, Thanksgiving, we just want to take a moment to tell you what we’re thankful for.

First and foremost, we here at Fire The Walrus are extremely thankful for the 2012 Philadelphia Eagles. Sure, this is by far one of the worst seasons we’ve ever had to endure as lifelong diehards and season ticket holders(*), and appears to only be getting worse. But when you run a website dedicated to the demise of a team’s coach, it certainly helps when said team is atrocious.

(*)It’s battling 1994 for the number two spot right now. 1998 is without a doubt the worst Eagles season we’ve been alive for… But at least their three wins came at home! If this year’s vintage fails to win another home game, they will go down as the worst Eagles team ever.

Would we trade the success of this site for a playoff team? In a heartbeat! But you play the hand you’re dealt, and we were dealt a pretty decent hand for the Anti-Andy business.

So, while we have nothing but hatred for the 2012 Eagles… we also need to show our love! Could this season get any weirder?

Next, we’d like to give thanks for Jeffrey Lurie. The short-sighted, tightwad has proven yet again that he has absolutely no idea how to run a professional sports franchise. While we’ll always love the fact that he let’s his football people do the football things, he hasn’t employed an actual football person since the days of Tom Modrak. And while we have to put up with his penchant for nerdy, under-qualified GMs-Who-Have-No-Business-Being-GMs, the extension he gave to Howie Roseman provided us with reason to continue Fire The Walrus long after Andy is belly-up in the water.

And of course, how could we not give thanks to The Walrus himself, Andy Reid. Andy, Andy, Andy. You fired Juan, you forgot that Offensive Line is a position in the NFL, you stuck with Vick and you ate… A lot! What can we say that we haven’t said before? We love to hate you, and you make our job as easy as running or throwing on the Eagles Defense! Your stubbornness, stupidity and crumb-filled whiskers never cease to amaze us. Thanks for being you and not “coping-out.” We can’t wait to celebrate New Year’s Eve by kissing your pinkslip at midnight(**)! The Mayans were right: 2012 is the end… For overweight, Walrus-like coaches(***)!

(**)Admittedly, that sounds dirty.

(***)See also: Crennel, Romeo.

Last but not least, the thing we are most thankful for is… you, Fire The Walrus Nation. Without you spreading the good word about FTW and similarly being fed up with the coaching styles of The Walrus, we wouldn’t be here. Keep sharing the site and tell all of your loved ones tomorrow that your thankful for Fire The Walrus while you’re sitting around the dining room table, shoveling candied yams and mashed potatoes down your throat like you’re Andy Reid at a Boston Market.

Extra special thanks to Case Paper – we see you over there, giggling – and Zach Baron of Grantland.com. As a reader of Fire The Walrus, you probably know that we are avid fans, quoters and promoters of Grantland – particularly one Bill Barnwell. Well, in his review of the Eagles movie/love story The Silver Linings Playbook(****) that posted today, hometown favorite Zach Baron gave us a nice little shout-out! We are forever indebted to you sir, and especially the friend who texted you at 7:41 a.m. about us. And thanks to everyone who came by today, by way of Zach’s post!

(****)Which, by all accounts, is one of the best movies of the year and a phenomenal movie about Philadelphia. We have yet to see it, but we have it on good authority that everyone in the Delaware Valley should see it immediately. 

Have a wonderful and safe Thanksgiving holiday, everyone!

(Now back to our regularly scheduled anger and hatred!)


Walrus Droppings: Adding Insult To Injury

November 6, 2012

While we’re still trying to wrap our heads around what transpired last night in New Orleans and just how bad this Eagles team actually is, let’s take a quick step back.

The other day, we kicked off “The 2012 Eagles Magical Mystery Coaching Tour: The Search For The Next Eagles Head Coach” with a post decrying “retired” NFL coaches. Now, obviously, that was before the Birds dropped a Walrus-sized deuce on the Corporate-Sponsored Superdome carpet, and now there are many more voices chiming in on the “next coach” discussion(*). We’re currently working on part two, which examines current NFL coaches and they’re likelihood of landing in Philadelphia – we’re looking at you Sean Payton… (Unfortunately, you’re turning away and laughing to your friends.) – and will have that for you in the next few days.

(*)Fortunately though, they are heard and respected voices!

ESPN’s Sal Paolantonio, who was on 97.5 The Fanatic with Mike Missanelli this evening, announced his official endorsement for the next coach of the Philadelphia Eagles… Brian Billick?! Seriously.

At first we were surprised, but as Sal Pal explained it, Billick certainly makes sense from a Jeffrey Lurie standpoint. He’s a known commodity that Lurie can sell to the fans, yet he won’t cost the crazy money a Gruden or a Cowher would. And he can coach Offense and coach veterans (Sal’s words). We’d still REALLY prefer to go another route… Especially the Defensive route. Interestingly enough, Paolantonio doesn’t agree.

However, he did bring up a major focal point of our remaining Eagles Magical Mystery Coaching Tour posts: Will the Eagles go with a pedigreed coach or an unknown youngster? On the surface, you’d have to assume the go with the unknown, because that’s how Lurie saves money and that’s how Roseman saves control. Sal Pal seemed to confirm that, but he also wasn’t ruling out a coach with a Super Bowl on his resume. Hence Brian Billick.

You should really listen to the interview, it’s jam-packed with interesting nuggets of Walrusity!

Roseman-Colored Glasses
Another point that Sal and Mike hit on, and a major bit of news that leaked out today… No matter who the next Head Coach may be, he’ll be hired by Howie Roseman, who signed a four-or-five-year extension over the summer , according to the Philadelphia Inquirer’s Jeff McLane. Uggggggggghhhhhhh.

Look, it’s really not surprising at all. He is The Billionaire’s boy, after all, and the man responsible for pushing out Lurie’s long-time best friend, Joe Banner The Devil. This team is Roseman’s to control. As Reid’s on his way out, Roseman’s on his way up and that means he’ll put his own stamp on the franchise with a Head Coach of his choosing. That’s a terrifying thought.

Hell, we’ve already seen the way this guy drafts… And though it’s still way too early to start passing hard judgements on the 2011 and 2012 draft classes, the returns have not been great so far.

We want a COMPLETE AND TOTAL evisceration of the Eagles front office, not the continuation of this fraudulent bullshit. As we said earlier today, we’d rather Lurie move the team away – assuming we’d get the Cleveland deal – and wait three football-less years than deal with his “people” managing the franchise anymore.

Of course, that’s just nonsense though. Lurie and, unfortunately, Roseman are here to stay. Interestingly enough, Sal Paolantonio pointed out, rather emphatically, that Howie leaked this information today to make himself look good. Sounds about right… Especially when you read this report (again from McLane) claiming that an unidentified member of Andy’s staff and/or an Eagles “decision maker” called the Juan firing a “miscalculation.” You don’t say.

The walls are crumbling around The Walrus… It’s a beautiful thing.

The Eagles Can’t Score… Here’s Why
A whole lot of electronic ink has been spilled over the Eagles’ red zone woes, but we turn your attention to the oft-mentioned Bill Barnwell, of Grantland.com, and his phenomenal analysis of an Eagles Offense that has been historically bad inside the 10-yard line(**). That 99-yard pick-six last night? That was the second 90+ yard interception return touchdown the Eagles have given up all year.

(**)An Offense that has scored the fewest first half points in all of football. Seven total first quarter points!

According to Barnwell:

“Turnovers in the red zone that produce touchdowns for the defense simply don’t happen very frequently. From 2007 to 2011, just 12 of the 214 turnovers (5.6 percent) that came on plays that began inside the opposition’s 10-yard line resulted in return touchdowns for the defense. Through the first nine weeks of the 2012 season, there have been 30 such turnovers, and two have been returned for touchdowns. Guess which offense was on the field for both of them? From 2007 to 2011, only one team (the Giants) had more than one turnover inside the opposition’s 10-yard line result in a touchdown return the other way; they had three in five years. In 2012, the Eagles have had two of those plays happen across a stretch of six games. That’s truly remarkable.”

Truly remarkable, indeed. What else is truly remarkable is the amount of points the Eagles have “left on the field” this season. Read the section of Barnwell’s piece titled “The Cost of Vicking,” and you’ll see that Vick’s plethora of turnovers have cost the Eagles approximately 56 points. Says Barnwell:

“It’s enough to turn the Eagles and their NFC-worst minus-50 point differential into a respectable, above-average team.”

And earlier we said that Vick wasn’t even the team’s biggest problem! Ha!

Ladies and gentleman, your 2012 Philadelphia Eagles! It can only get better… Right?!


Introducing The 2012 Eagles Fantasy Blame League

September 8, 2012

Let’s be honest, we know how the 2012 Philadelphia Eagles season will end… Pretty sure we’ve mentioned it once or 296 times or so.

The Eagles will win anywhere between 8 and 12 games. They may or may not make the playoffs. They may or may not win a playoff game. But ultimately, they will fail to win a Super Bowl.

Pessimism? Sure. Reality? Surer. Fantasy? Why not…

Regardless of how it ends, we’re destined to continue to repeat history. You may want to sit down for this, but… You ready? Brace yourself… Andy Reid will undoubtedly be the Head Coach of the 2013 Philadelphia Eagles.

Take a deep breath.

So, obviously, somebody else needs to be blamed. If you haven’t heard, the 2011 abomination was simply the fault of what The Billionaire called “a rash of injuries.” The only rash we recall was the one up Desean Jackson’s ass when he quit on the team in Seattle(*). Who will this season’s scapegoat be? It’s anyone’s guess. But we do know, there will be blame!

(*)But that’s another story…

There are so many people for The Walrus to throw under the foodtruck, that we may as well have some fun figuring out who it will be… Welcome to the 2012 Eagles Fantasy Blame League(**)!

(**)Idea copyright David Jacoby.

The rules are simple: Draft a “team” of Eagles’ players, coaches and executives; Scoring cumulates over the course of the season; Nobody wins.

Scoring:

  • Subject of Negative Article – 5 pts
  • Called Out by Teammates/Players – 10 pts
  • Argument with Teammate/Coach -15 pts
  • Argument with Media Member – 25 pts
  • Benched/Losses Play-Calling Duties – 25 pts
  • Vote of Confidence – 40 pts
  • Cut/Fired – 100 pts
  • Blamed for Failed Season – We All Lose

Here’s how the draft panned out:
Round 1
1. Juan Castillo
2. Mike Vick
Round 2
3. Jim Washburn
4. Marty Mornhinweg
Round 3
5. Christina Lurie
6. Howie Roseman
Round 4
7. Vince Young
8. Jeffrey Lurie’s Divorce Attorney
Round 5
9. Joe Banner Retroactively
10. Replacement Refs

Magic Don Juan Cantcoachdefenselo was the obvious number one pick and at the top of everyone’s draft board. After Juan and Vick though, the blaming talent takes a steep fall. Washburn’s ludicrous Wide-9 was a source of much scorn and had a strong showing in 2011 blame. If the Offense is below-average, it’s clearly Marty’s fault, not Andy’s. The Christina Lurie/Lurie’s Attorney handcuff was a major coup. The sleeper pick may be the replacement refs, as one egregious call could grant The Walrus a free pass at keeping the insanity going.

Get your leagues ready and draft your team… Let the blames begin!


Not-So Breaking News: We’re Back, Apathetic As Ever

September 8, 2012

Oh, hello there…

Who let you in here?

Just kidding… it’s great to see you! It’s certainly been a while. Why don’t we catch up…

First of all, we apologize. Profusely. We know you guys – what may or may not be left of Fire The Walrus Nation – have been waiting with bated breath for us to chime in on one of the MANY happenings in the past bunch of months, and we have done you a major disservice.

The Walrus pulled a power play and The Devil is dead(*)… or rather, simply replaced with a younger, stingier, Reid-friendly Devil Lite. It turns out, for all of his bullshit, Devil Banner was finally ready to pull the plug on The Walrus.

(*)Actually, he was just exiled to Cleveland. But, you know, isn’t that really the same thing?

But, leave it to Lurie’s love of water mammals – or whatever illicit pictures Andy has of The Billionaire that could have been used against him in his recent divorce – Andy remains for another year. Though, now with an ultimatum!

We’ll believe it when we see it.

The Eagles seemed to finally realize that Linebacker is actually a position in the NFL – who knew?! – and made a major(ish) trade for a potential real Middle Linebacker (DeMeco Ryans) and spent another in a long line of second-round draft picks on a LB… and we know how well that’s worked out for The Walrus(**). Let’s hope – and so far so good – Mychal Kendricks is the exception to what’s become the rule. Unfortunately, the reviews on Ryans have been mixed at best so far… so the LB position remains incomplete.

(**)The ghosts of Quinton Caver and Matt McCoy are still lurking around the NovaCare Complex.

The Walrus decided to hire Todd Bowles to coach the Secondary… even though he was an interim Head Coach and a strong Defensive Coordinator candidate. It’s a strong move, but why keep inexperienced Juan and supplement him with Jim Washburn and Bowles, rather than simply hand the keys to one of the more experienced guys? Because Andy Reid doesn’t make mistakes. Haven’t you been paying attention for the last fourteen years!

And, unfortunately, we can’t not mention the elephant walrus in the room… Garrett Reid. What happened was extraordinarily unfortunate and horrible, and in no way has anything to do with Andy Reid as a Coach. As we’ve said since we started this site, Andy’s personal life is just that, personal. What happens with his family is off limits here, regardless of how it may or may not affect his job performance.  Our anger with Reid stems from his game day coaching abilities and decision-making, his reckless disregard of Defense and his incredible stubbornness/belief that he invented the game of football. Not his parenting. End of conversation.

Now that we’re all caught up, why have we failed to chime in on any of this prior to Christmas Eve the eve of the 2012 season?

In all honesty, the combination of Eli and the Giants winning another Super Bowl(***) and the return of both The Walrus and Magic Don Juan Cantcoachdefenselo(****), put us in such a football-loathing funk, that we simply couldn’t care to spill any electronic ink over any of it.

(***)Maybe we should just stop writing now…

(****)Oh masochism, why can’t we quit you?!

Apathy is a hell of a drug. We just couldn’t find the urge/desire/need to care… also, basketball was really good this year!  The Eagles have long been the family member that perpetually disappoints us, but the last few seasons – particularly last season’s kerfuffle – finally put us over the edge.  We are basically a 15th Andy Reid season away from officially becoming Jesse Pinkman’s parents and cutting them off for good(*****).

(*****)But don’t actually count on that happening. We simply can’t help but hold out hope that our fuck-up of a team will kick its nasty Walrus addiction and rehabilitate with a healthy dose of Defense.

We actually really liked what the team did in the draft – though let’s all calm down on the whole “Nick Foles is the next Joe Montana” noise(******) – and are fans of the Eagles’ youth movement. But it’s really hard to find the love for a team that you know is just simply going to disappoint you again.  We know exactly what’s going to happen this season: The Eagles will win between 8 and 12 games and either barley-miss the playoffs or simply be one and done in the second season.  And that will be more than enough for Reid to return.

(******)With that being said, we’re intrigued. Michael Vick hasn’t won a playoff game since the 2004 season and obviously can’t make it through a full slate of games. We liked Kafka… but obviously Andy likes what he sees in Foles more.

So, as we’re stuck in a constant cycle of the departed Devil Banner’s definition of insanity, we’ve simply lost the will to give even the slightest bit of fucks about what transpired so far for the 2012 Philadelphia Eagles… until now.

Tomorrow is the day! Eagles football is back… and no matter how apathetic we may be, no matter how low our expectations are, no matter how sure we are that the team will go 10-6, win a playoff game and tear our hearts out once again in the Divisional Round… we’re happy to have them back. We just wish they were about 350+ lbs. lighter.

It’s good to be back. Fire The Walrus.