Walrus Droppings: Adding Insult To Injury

November 6, 2012

While we’re still trying to wrap our heads around what transpired last night in New Orleans and just how bad this Eagles team actually is, let’s take a quick step back.

The other day, we kicked off “The 2012 Eagles Magical Mystery Coaching Tour: The Search For The Next Eagles Head Coach” with a post decrying “retired” NFL coaches. Now, obviously, that was before the Birds dropped a Walrus-sized deuce on the Corporate-Sponsored Superdome carpet, and now there are many more voices chiming in on the “next coach” discussion(*). We’re currently working on part two, which examines current NFL coaches and they’re likelihood of landing in Philadelphia – we’re looking at you Sean Payton… (Unfortunately, you’re turning away and laughing to your friends.) – and will have that for you in the next few days.

(*)Fortunately though, they are heard and respected voices!

ESPN’s Sal Paolantonio, who was on 97.5 The Fanatic with Mike Missanelli this evening, announced his official endorsement for the next coach of the Philadelphia Eagles… Brian Billick?! Seriously.

At first we were surprised, but as Sal Pal explained it, Billick certainly makes sense from a Jeffrey Lurie standpoint. He’s a known commodity that Lurie can sell to the fans, yet he won’t cost the crazy money a Gruden or a Cowher would. And he can coach Offense and coach veterans (Sal’s words). We’d still REALLY prefer to go another route… Especially the Defensive route. Interestingly enough, Paolantonio doesn’t agree.

However, he did bring up a major focal point of our remaining Eagles Magical Mystery Coaching Tour posts: Will the Eagles go with a pedigreed coach or an unknown youngster? On the surface, you’d have to assume the go with the unknown, because that’s how Lurie saves money and that’s how Roseman saves control. Sal Pal seemed to confirm that, but he also wasn’t ruling out a coach with a Super Bowl on his resume. Hence Brian Billick.

You should really listen to the interview, it’s jam-packed with interesting nuggets of Walrusity!

Roseman-Colored Glasses
Another point that Sal and Mike hit on, and a major bit of news that leaked out today… No matter who the next Head Coach may be, he’ll be hired by Howie Roseman, who signed a four-or-five-year extension over the summer , according to the Philadelphia Inquirer’s Jeff McLane. Uggggggggghhhhhhh.

Look, it’s really not surprising at all. He is The Billionaire’s boy, after all, and the man responsible for pushing out Lurie’s long-time best friend, Joe Banner The Devil. This team is Roseman’s to control. As Reid’s on his way out, Roseman’s on his way up and that means he’ll put his own stamp on the franchise with a Head Coach of his choosing. That’s a terrifying thought.

Hell, we’ve already seen the way this guy drafts… And though it’s still way too early to start passing hard judgements on the 2011 and 2012 draft classes, the returns have not been great so far.

We want a COMPLETE AND TOTAL evisceration of the Eagles front office, not the continuation of this fraudulent bullshit. As we said earlier today, we’d rather Lurie move the team away – assuming we’d get the Cleveland deal – and wait three football-less years than deal with his “people” managing the franchise anymore.

Of course, that’s just nonsense though. Lurie and, unfortunately, Roseman are here to stay. Interestingly enough, Sal Paolantonio pointed out, rather emphatically, that Howie leaked this information today to make himself look good. Sounds about right… Especially when you read this report (again from McLane) claiming that an unidentified member of Andy’s staff and/or an Eagles “decision maker” called the Juan firing a “miscalculation.” You don’t say.

The walls are crumbling around The Walrus… It’s a beautiful thing.

The Eagles Can’t Score… Here’s Why
A whole lot of electronic ink has been spilled over the Eagles’ red zone woes, but we turn your attention to the oft-mentioned Bill Barnwell, of Grantland.com, and his phenomenal analysis of an Eagles Offense that has been historically bad inside the 10-yard line(**). That 99-yard pick-six last night? That was the second 90+ yard interception return touchdown the Eagles have given up all year.

(**)An Offense that has scored the fewest first half points in all of football. Seven total first quarter points!

According to Barnwell:

“Turnovers in the red zone that produce touchdowns for the defense simply don’t happen very frequently. From 2007 to 2011, just 12 of the 214 turnovers (5.6 percent) that came on plays that began inside the opposition’s 10-yard line resulted in return touchdowns for the defense. Through the first nine weeks of the 2012 season, there have been 30 such turnovers, and two have been returned for touchdowns. Guess which offense was on the field for both of them? From 2007 to 2011, only one team (the Giants) had more than one turnover inside the opposition’s 10-yard line result in a touchdown return the other way; they had three in five years. In 2012, the Eagles have had two of those plays happen across a stretch of six games. That’s truly remarkable.”

Truly remarkable, indeed. What else is truly remarkable is the amount of points the Eagles have “left on the field” this season. Read the section of Barnwell’s piece titled “The Cost of Vicking,” and you’ll see that Vick’s plethora of turnovers have cost the Eagles approximately 56 points. Says Barnwell:

“It’s enough to turn the Eagles and their NFC-worst minus-50 point differential into a respectable, above-average team.”

And earlier we said that Vick wasn’t even the team’s biggest problem! Ha!

Ladies and gentleman, your 2012 Philadelphia Eagles! It can only get better… Right?!

Introducing The 2012 Eagles Fantasy Blame League

September 8, 2012

Let’s be honest, we know how the 2012 Philadelphia Eagles season will end… Pretty sure we’ve mentioned it once or 296 times or so.

The Eagles will win anywhere between 8 and 12 games. They may or may not make the playoffs. They may or may not win a playoff game. But ultimately, they will fail to win a Super Bowl.

Pessimism? Sure. Reality? Surer. Fantasy? Why not…

Regardless of how it ends, we’re destined to continue to repeat history. You may want to sit down for this, but… You ready? Brace yourself… Andy Reid will undoubtedly be the Head Coach of the 2013 Philadelphia Eagles.

Take a deep breath.

So, obviously, somebody else needs to be blamed. If you haven’t heard, the 2011 abomination was simply the fault of what The Billionaire called “a rash of injuries.” The only rash we recall was the one up Desean Jackson’s ass when he quit on the team in Seattle(*). Who will this season’s scapegoat be? It’s anyone’s guess. But we do know, there will be blame!

(*)But that’s another story…

There are so many people for The Walrus to throw under the foodtruck, that we may as well have some fun figuring out who it will be… Welcome to the 2012 Eagles Fantasy Blame League(**)!

(**)Idea copyright David Jacoby.

The rules are simple: Draft a “team” of Eagles’ players, coaches and executives; Scoring cumulates over the course of the season; Nobody wins.


  • Subject of Negative Article – 5 pts
  • Called Out by Teammates/Players – 10 pts
  • Argument with Teammate/Coach -15 pts
  • Argument with Media Member – 25 pts
  • Benched/Losses Play-Calling Duties – 25 pts
  • Vote of Confidence – 40 pts
  • Cut/Fired – 100 pts
  • Blamed for Failed Season – We All Lose

Here’s how the draft panned out:
Round 1
1. Juan Castillo
2. Mike Vick
Round 2
3. Jim Washburn
4. Marty Mornhinweg
Round 3
5. Christina Lurie
6. Howie Roseman
Round 4
7. Vince Young
8. Jeffrey Lurie’s Divorce Attorney
Round 5
9. Joe Banner Retroactively
10. Replacement Refs

Magic Don Juan Cantcoachdefenselo was the obvious number one pick and at the top of everyone’s draft board. After Juan and Vick though, the blaming talent takes a steep fall. Washburn’s ludicrous Wide-9 was a source of much scorn and had a strong showing in 2011 blame. If the Offense is below-average, it’s clearly Marty’s fault, not Andy’s. The Christina Lurie/Lurie’s Attorney handcuff was a major coup. The sleeper pick may be the replacement refs, as one egregious call could grant The Walrus a free pass at keeping the insanity going.

Get your leagues ready and draft your team… Let the blames begin!

Not-So Breaking News: We’re Back, Apathetic As Ever

September 8, 2012

Oh, hello there…

Who let you in here?

Just kidding… it’s great to see you! It’s certainly been a while. Why don’t we catch up…

First of all, we apologize. Profusely. We know you guys – what may or may not be left of Fire The Walrus Nation – have been waiting with bated breath for us to chime in on one of the MANY happenings in the past bunch of months, and we have done you a major disservice.

The Walrus pulled a power play and The Devil is dead(*)… or rather, simply replaced with a younger, stingier, Reid-friendly Devil Lite. It turns out, for all of his bullshit, Devil Banner was finally ready to pull the plug on The Walrus.

(*)Actually, he was just exiled to Cleveland. But, you know, isn’t that really the same thing?

But, leave it to Lurie’s love of water mammals – or whatever illicit pictures Andy has of The Billionaire that could have been used against him in his recent divorce – Andy remains for another year. Though, now with an ultimatum!

We’ll believe it when we see it.

The Eagles seemed to finally realize that Linebacker is actually a position in the NFL – who knew?! – and made a major(ish) trade for a potential real Middle Linebacker (DeMeco Ryans) and spent another in a long line of second-round draft picks on a LB… and we know how well that’s worked out for The Walrus(**). Let’s hope – and so far so good – Mychal Kendricks is the exception to what’s become the rule. Unfortunately, the reviews on Ryans have been mixed at best so far… so the LB position remains incomplete.

(**)The ghosts of Quinton Caver and Matt McCoy are still lurking around the NovaCare Complex.

The Walrus decided to hire Todd Bowles to coach the Secondary… even though he was an interim Head Coach and a strong Defensive Coordinator candidate. It’s a strong move, but why keep inexperienced Juan and supplement him with Jim Washburn and Bowles, rather than simply hand the keys to one of the more experienced guys? Because Andy Reid doesn’t make mistakes. Haven’t you been paying attention for the last fourteen years!

And, unfortunately, we can’t not mention the elephant walrus in the room… Garrett Reid. What happened was extraordinarily unfortunate and horrible, and in no way has anything to do with Andy Reid as a Coach. As we’ve said since we started this site, Andy’s personal life is just that, personal. What happens with his family is off limits here, regardless of how it may or may not affect his job performance.  Our anger with Reid stems from his game day coaching abilities and decision-making, his reckless disregard of Defense and his incredible stubbornness/belief that he invented the game of football. Not his parenting. End of conversation.

Now that we’re all caught up, why have we failed to chime in on any of this prior to Christmas Eve the eve of the 2012 season?

In all honesty, the combination of Eli and the Giants winning another Super Bowl(***) and the return of both The Walrus and Magic Don Juan Cantcoachdefenselo(****), put us in such a football-loathing funk, that we simply couldn’t care to spill any electronic ink over any of it.

(***)Maybe we should just stop writing now…

(****)Oh masochism, why can’t we quit you?!

Apathy is a hell of a drug. We just couldn’t find the urge/desire/need to care… also, basketball was really good this year!  The Eagles have long been the family member that perpetually disappoints us, but the last few seasons – particularly last season’s kerfuffle – finally put us over the edge.  We are basically a 15th Andy Reid season away from officially becoming Jesse Pinkman’s parents and cutting them off for good(*****).

(*****)But don’t actually count on that happening. We simply can’t help but hold out hope that our fuck-up of a team will kick its nasty Walrus addiction and rehabilitate with a healthy dose of Defense.

We actually really liked what the team did in the draft – though let’s all calm down on the whole “Nick Foles is the next Joe Montana” noise(******) – and are fans of the Eagles’ youth movement. But it’s really hard to find the love for a team that you know is just simply going to disappoint you again.  We know exactly what’s going to happen this season: The Eagles will win between 8 and 12 games and either barley-miss the playoffs or simply be one and done in the second season.  And that will be more than enough for Reid to return.

(******)With that being said, we’re intrigued. Michael Vick hasn’t won a playoff game since the 2004 season and obviously can’t make it through a full slate of games. We liked Kafka… but obviously Andy likes what he sees in Foles more.

So, as we’re stuck in a constant cycle of the departed Devil Banner’s definition of insanity, we’ve simply lost the will to give even the slightest bit of fucks about what transpired so far for the 2012 Philadelphia Eagles… until now.

Tomorrow is the day! Eagles football is back… and no matter how apathetic we may be, no matter how low our expectations are, no matter how sure we are that the team will go 10-6, win a playoff game and tear our hearts out once again in the Divisional Round… we’re happy to have them back. We just wish they were about 350+ lbs. lighter.

It’s good to be back. Fire The Walrus.

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Eagles Do Nothing And Like It

January 30, 2012

In case you haven’t heard yet today(*), Don Juan Castillo is officially back in the saddle as Eagles Defensive Coordinator. Let’s just let that sink in for a minute, shall we…

(*)Or have yet to come to the sobering realization.

Done yet? No? Need another moment?

Good? Ok, let’s move on.

Basically The Walrus, The Devil and The Billionaire just said to all of us “We’re good. We like what we saw in 2011. Let’s give it another go in 2012.”

If the Billionaire slapping us in the face once this offseason wasn’t enough, well, time to take it on the other cheek. So much for all of his “disappointed, embarrassed, disgraced” bullshit bravado. Way to really be committed to change there, Mr. Oscars-Are-More-Important-Than-Lombardis. What a pompous asshole.

The team’s big solution to fixing Juan’s insanely pathetic, maddeningly awful Defense? Bring in Miami’s recently jettisoned interim Head Coach Todd Bowles to coach the Secondary. Seriously. That’s the big Machiavellian coaching move that’s going to change it all!

So, if you’re keeping track — and we know we are — that’s zero semblance of an actual plan, and 100% complacency. Good job fellas! Way to make up for the lost season of 2011!

To add insult to injury, the front office has the testicular fortitude to claim that they see Bowles as a soon-to-be NFL Head Coach(**)… Well guess what Eagles ass brass? Make him your freaking Head Coach then! Stop dicking around and wasting our time with that fat useless Walrus you have, who needs more time to catch his breath than come up with gameplans. If Bowles is so highly sought after, at least give him the job of running the Defense, not playing understudy to an underqualified, overwhelmed Offensive Line Coach.

(**)He did interview for various Head Coaching vacancies in the last few weeks.

The state of this team is unbearable anymore. They already declared that the 2012 season is a lost cause… because guess what? They will NOT win a Super Bowl with Juan Castillo as their Defensive Coordinator. Or Andy Walrus Reid as their Head Choke-artist Coach. Reuben Frank knows it. Jaws knows it. We know it. Shit, the entire football-following world knows it.

According to Frank, they didn’t even attempt to go after Steve Spagnuolo, an planned on keeping Juan all along. That’s just awesome.

Your biggest rival is 60 minutes away from winning ANOTHER Super Bowl… and this is the move you make to counter attack?! It’s inexplicable. It’s embarrassing.

It’s typical Eagles football.

We’ll be back tomorrow after The Walrus finally pulls his head out of his ass to speak to the media. Unless of course its to wax poetic about the Sixers(***) again… In which case, you may see us on the news, being led out of the NovaCare Complex.

(***)A Philadelphia sports team that’s actually, you know, enjoyable to watch…

Just let the cops know that our motives were just.

Recommended Reading: Ray Didinger Takes The Billionaire To Task

January 4, 2012

If you’re an Eagles die-hard(*), you already know that Ray Didinger is a walking, talking, breathing football encyclopedia. His brain may as well be the motherboard of NFL Archives. His knowledge, information and experience as a football writer/Eagles fan is unprecedented.

(*)And if you’re reading this, we assume you are…

R-Diddy is the Oracle of Football.

When he has something to say – and he often does – whether its on the air or in print, we read and we listen. And Ray has some strong words for one Jeffrey Lurie.

In his latest piece on CSNPhilly.com, “Lurie’s Words, Inaction Don’t Add Up” Didinger takes The Billionaire to task for yesterday’s inane, offensive (to Eagles fans and people with IQs above 20) press conference, and shares the same line of thinking that we’ve been touting here on Fire The Walrus.

It’s a must-read for the FTW-lover/Lurie-hater in all of us! We know The Billionaire could care less what some blog says about him… but a Pro Football Hall of Fame writer? That’s another story. Like Andy Reid, those words carry weight.

We only hope that The Billionaire is intelligent enough to heed them… Or at the very least, acknowledge that one of the all-time pre-eminent football minds is calling him out for his outright cowardice.

When Ray Diddy calls bullshit, you better believe he knows what he’s talking about.

From “Gold Standard” To “Fool’s Gold”

January 3, 2012

In our blinding anger today(*), we missed a few key points/moments/incidents today that make our frustration level go off the charts…

(*)Not too mention the fact that today was the first day back at work from the holiday.

First of all – and thanks to friend-of-FTW Brian for pointing this out – The Billionaire, who once infamously claimed his franchise was the “Gold Standard”of the NFL, declared that the “strong” finish to the season was “Fool’s Gold.” We even had it quoted in our last post. How we missed this is beyond us(**), but the irony is delicious.

(**)Again, immense head-pounding anger will blind you to things.

To call anything the “Gold Standard” without it actually doing anything to obtain such a distinction is ludicrous – as well all know. Lurie DESERVED to have it blow up in his face. Clearly he didn’t think before he chose his words today.

As Sal Paolantonio points out on 97.5 The Fanatic’s Mike Missanelli Show, The Billionaire isn’t just backtracking, he’s lowering the bar. The goal used to be to win the Super Bowl… according to Lurie, the goal is now to simply make the playoffs. Sal Pal and Mikey Miss also hit on another point: What qualifies as a success next season? What does this team need to accomplish to save The Walrus’ job? Because if you read between the lines, Andy’s team simply needs to be in the postseason.

Sal also reiterates something we said earlier. Lurie had to GO OUT OF HIS WAY to tell fans Reid is coming back. That’s how angry Eagles fans are.

And speaking of our anger… Evan Mathis. Oh, Evan Mathis. You had to go there didn’t you:

No Evan Mathis, you’re the idiot. It’s one thing for players to stick up for their coach(***). It’s a whole other thing to call fans idiots. Much like we said earlier this year about Fredo Matthews, you’ve been here for less than a year… SHUT UP!

(***)If you recall, Mathis was one of the players who angrily stepped to Sign Man earlier this year outside of the Novacare Complex (in the midst of our #OccupyNovacareComplex campaign) about his “Andy, The Times… To Go” sign.

Mathis even appeared – via phone – on CSN’s Daily News Live today to defend The Walrus, and credit to the DNL crew, they gave it right back to him(****). Michael Barkann sounds like a FTW-reader, backing the fans and our frustration with the fat man, Dick Jerardi sounds annoyed with The Walrus’ schtick… hell, even Ray Diddy gets in on the action!

(****)Sorry we can’t post the video, but please click the link and watch… It’s worth it!

Unfortunately, the video cuts out before the guys really get into it. They even go so far as to question Reid’s intelligence and that his arrogance is a cover for his ineptitude and the fact that he gets caught lying, like he has all the answers – a post for another day. We will link to video of the conversation when/if it’s posted.

Even more unfortunate? The fact that we are stuck with this owner, this coach and these imbecile players – though thankfully Mathis is a free agent… but he’ll likely be back.

Lastly, a programming note. Now that the offseason is here, we will finally get back to our running list of “Reasons to Fire The Walrus,” as there are still thousands to go… and the list just keeps on growing. We’ll also take a look at the impending moves that must should be probably won’t be made, like: What should happen at Defensive Coordinator – though our initial guess is that Juan returns (UGH!)? Why Steve Spagnuolo  should come back home. What to do with Desean… long story short, there’s a lot to talk about. And we’ll likely have much more to say about The Billionaire insulting our collective intelligence.

Thanks to Jeffrey Lurie, we’re off and running with the offseason. Also thanks to Jeffrey Lurie, we have a massive headache and murderous rage.

Fool’s Gold indeed, Jeffrey… Fool’s Gold indeed!

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: The Billionaire’s “Anger” And “Frustration” Makes Us Angry and Frustrated

January 3, 2012

Make no mistake, The Billionaire, Jeffrey Lurie, had nothing even remotely “news-worthy” or “important” to say at his press conference today.

Telling Eagles fans that The Walrus will return to “coach” his 14th season was expected. Did anybody really anticipate Reid’s firing today? Sure we prayed for it before going to bed last night… but in no way, shape or form did we expect Lurie to do anything but defend the coach he pulled out of obesity obscurity a decade and a half ago.

What The Billionaire did do, however, was slap Eagles fans in the face…

From Reuben Frank’s piece on CSNPhilly.com(*):

Lurie opened his press conference by expressing his extreme disappointment with this season. He said his primary emotions were “anger” and “frustration.”

“This season was without question the most disappointing season since I owned the team,” Lurie said.

“It’s completely unacceptable to be 8-8.”

Lurie didn’t take much from the Eagles’ strong finish, saying they proved they “could dominate against teams that weren’t competitive” and calling it “fool’s gold.”

“To think there are any excuses for taking that long to come together is misplaced,” Lurie said.

(*)We were unable to watch today’s press conference, and probably should be thankful, as we would no longer own a TV that didn’t have a shoe embedded in the screen.

How dare The Billionaire tell us he’s angry and frustrated and disappointed and all his other brown-nosing bullshit, and then in the same breath say he wants to see the 2012 Eagles coached by Andy Reid?! Give us a break! Does Lurie seriously believe that we will take him for his word? Does he really think that Eagles fans are going: “Well, at least the owner agrees with us and won’t stand this anymore?”


Doesn’t the fact that he had to hold a damn press conference just to announce Reid’s return say it all…

Jeffrey Lurie thinks Eagles fans are idiots. He thinks we’re gullible rubes who will believe anything the rich ruler tells us to believe.

If you’re so angry and frustrated and disappointed, Jeffrey, than fucking do something about it. Fire the damn imbecile that pisses puts you in this embarrassing position. Fire the “leader” of the underachieving, overpaid “dream” that you went “all in” on. Stop telling us what you think we want to hear and listen to the chants raining down at your stadium.

The Billionaire did nothing today, but prove he is a pompous aristocrat, more worried about taking our money than fulfilling his promises of championships. Andy Reid’s track record doesn’t mean one thing to us anymore. It stopped meaning anything a long time ago.

Dear Jeffrey Lurie: We’re angry. We’re frustrated. You’re a disappointment. Fourteen seasons without a Super Bowl is unacceptable. To make any more excuses for Andy Reid is foolish.

We hope you sit on you Oscar.

Lots more to come… Yet another offseason of discontent and disenchantment is just getting underway.