“The Best of Andy Reid” (Otherwise Known as Week Five vs. Buffalo)

October 10, 2011

There really isn’t a whole lot that can be said about that “football” game that occurred yesterday in Buffalo.

Week Five versus the Bills was the equivalent of TimeLife Video releasing: “The Best of Andy Reid,” with such hits as:

  • Dumb penalties that negate touchdowns
  • Missed tackles and blown coverages by overpaid defenders
  • Poor clock management, resulting in zero Red Zone points
  • Bad play-calling and turnovers
  • Horrendous Offensive Line play
  • Red Zone defense gives the opposition an automatic seven points each time
  • Juan Castillo, Offensive Line Coach Defensive Coordinator
  • A  hideous brain fart (Juqua Parker) that costs the team the game

Plus, two bonus tracks, including everyone’s favorites:

  • “I Need to do a Better Job…”
  • “Time’s yours.”

This game had it all! All of your favorite Andy Reid classics in one 60-minute performance!


Just the thought of this past weekend gives us nausea and stomach cramps. It’s really not even worth rehashing, and in fact, would cause severe head trauma and dizziness if we did. Just know that Juan Castillo should be replaced with the second-string kicking tee and Jason Avant’s “best hands on the team” were miraculously replaced with Freddie Mitchell’s. Also, Jarrad Page suffered a stinger while he was being reincarnated from Blaine Bishop’s corpse. Oh, and Juqua Parker shouldn’t be allowed on a football field ever again.

In all honesty, nothing’s going to change. Even if the Redskins do what every other team has done to us this year, save for the Rams(*), and the Eagles go into the bye week 1-5, desperately needing someone to be held accountable, nothing will change. Andy won’t fire Castillo because he’s too freaking stubborn to admit a mistake. And even if he does Walrus-up and kick Juan to the curb, who takes over then? Does it even matter? Would a new Defensive Coordinator make the team better tacklers or run-stoppers? Would the middle of the field be any less susceptible or the Red Zone defense any less porous? No.

(*)Meanwhile, if Steven Jackson doesn’t get hurt after his first run from scrimmage in Week One, the Eagles might be looking at 0-5, not 1-4.

Should Andy Reid bench Asante Samuel? YES! Someone needs to be punished for the way this Defense has played, and there’s no point to benching Linebackers that don’t exist. Asante is a bum, we’ve been saying it for years. It doesn’t matter how many interceptions he gets (just one for the year, by the way), he is the worst example of how to play Defense. But beyond whiffing on tackles – or, more appropriately, shying away from tackles completely – he just doesn’t give a shit. Asante cares about his INT numbers first and everything else second… which is exactly why he could be seen shrugging his shoulders after giving up a huge Bills’ touchdown (which one, who remembers… or cares to…).

Vick threw three interceptions in a 21 minute span. So that happened. Shady McCoy was doing awesome Shady McCoy things, until The Walrus forgot he was a member of the team. Brent Celek let everyone know he’s still alive with his ninth (yes, ninth) reception of the season. Danny Watkins, King Dunlap and Dan Kelce made us miss the days of Bobbie Williams, John Welbourn and Hank Fraley. Just a beautiful day all around!

And credit must go to Bills’ Head Coach Chan Gaily, for keeping the Eagles in the game. Fred Jackson could have ran for 432 yards on the Eagles D, but Gaily wanted to see the Eagles make a game of it and decided to pull a Reid of his own.  Jackson finished with 26 carries, but if Gaily was smart, he would have finished the day with 50 and the Bills would have won by a score of 137-who cares. So, thanks Chan Gaily!

Can you guys tell how miserable/punchy/hopeless we feel today…

Meanwhile, Vegas has posted the odds for Andy Reid to be fired, and they’re the same odds as the Eagles winning the 2011 Super Bowl… because this is Philadelphia, and God hates us.

The Day After: Is It Too Late For A Lockout?

October 10, 2011

Well, here we are… one of the lowest points in recent Philadelphia sports history. Who would have thought that July 29 – the infamous day where, in a two-hour span, the Eagles surprisingly signed Nnamdi Asomugha and the Phillies miraculously traded for Hunter Pence – would be the apex of the 2011 sports year for our tortured city? That was it. That was our championship.

There was so much hope that day, and the weeks to follow. The future looked so bright for our two favorite franchises(*) and our city was envied by sports fans across the country. The Eagles and Phillies were being LAUDED nationally… a feat so rare, it comes around as often as Halley’s Comet. Philadelphia was on the precipice of greatness, of championships, of parades… But, realistically, just on the precipice of failure.

(*)Yes, we’re four-for-four and love the Sixers and Flyers too. But we all know that the winter sports aren’t as meaningful as the summer/fall ones… at least until the playoffs start. It’s awesome that the Flyers are 2-0 and look great, but realistically, call us in May/June.

And it’s not typical failure either. The Phillies – easily the most talented team in the National League, and on the paper, the strongest team in all of baseball – failed epically. Forget everything that happened before Game 5 of the NLDS(**), the Phillies went into the most important game of the season with the best pitcher in baseball on the mound… and he threw a one-run gem! Except they couldn’t even get a man to THIRD BASE?! They couldn’t muster more than three hits, let alone a single run.

(**)Oh, Cliff and your four run lead…

Not to be outdone – and/or in an effort to steal headlines from the woeful Phillies – the pathetic Philadelphia Eagles burst out of the gate in 2011 about as well as Ryan Howard leaves the batter’s box: Crippled. The Eagles could have started 2-3 and it would have been considered a disaster. But no… that wouldn’t be enough for our fragile psyches. The Walrus’ “team” stands at 1-4 and our fans stand on the edge of the Ben Franklin Bridge.

Sports are supposed to be the distraction from our shitty lives. Our country is in an awful place, our economy is fucked, our entertainment consists of idiots from Jersey and a rich, spoiled, untalented Armenian family, we’re overworked, underpaid, pissed off… And our sports teams are simply exasperating the situation. There is nothing to look forward to, no hope on the horizon.

Sure, there’s always next year… but unless next year includes a new football coach and new starting lineup for our baseball team, there’s just going to be the year after that.

Was 2008 an aberration? A fluke? A once in a generation moment of success and pleasure, that won’t return for another 25 years? It certainly feels like it. It feels like 2008 didn’t even happen. We’re right back to where we started: always expecting the worst, always experiencing the worst.

If you can’t tell, depression is in the air today. What transpired over the past 72 hours was pure torture. It’s taken every last bit of feeling and emotion out of us. Its kicked us in the teeth and punched us in the stomach.

Where do we go from here?

It’s not like a 1-4 start, or even a 1-15 finish, will mean the definite end of The Walrus’ regime. The Billionaire and The Devil LOVE Andy. He can do no wrong. Even failing with a team (supposedly) as talented as this one, isn’t a sure thing to get him a pink slip. And doesn’t that seem where we’re headed? The disappointment and frustration isn’t enough… let’s keep the heart of the problem here and see how he can fuck it up again next year. Let’s continue to dig the knife deeper into the hearts of Philly sports fans.

We didn’t post this last night after the game, because we knew it would be a rambling, incoherent mess(***)… and obviously it still is. It’s impossible to wrap our brains around the pain we feel right now. It’s too much to even talk about Jason Avant or Juqua Parker or Blaine Bishop Jarrad Page. The individual pieces don’t matter. The entirety of the Eagles organization (and Philly sports in general) is horrifically flawed. It needs to be blown up. It needs to start from scratch. It needs to Fire The Walrus.

(***)You know, as opposed to everything else we write…

We’ll wrap this mess of a post up with something Mike Florio wrote on profootballtalk.com this morning:

“So when going ‘all in’ and losing, what happens?  Do you get a new pile of chips to gamble next year?  Or is there accountability for making a bad bet?”

We want to know the same thing Mike… we want to know the same thing. Unfortunately, Andy Reid is staked to a seemingly endless supply of chips. Will The Billionaire and The Devil ever call his bluff?

Are we sure it’s too late to have that lockout?

 More to come… (including an actual recap of the embarrassment that was the Eagles versus the Bills).

Project #OccupyNovacareComplex

October 6, 2011

You’re probably aware – or at least should be aware – that there is a movement going on right now in New York City (and being adopted by various other cities) known as Occupy Wall Street. In short, Occupy Wall Street is a protest against the fat cats on Wall Street who are responsible for our failing economy and the fact that they NEED to be held accountable.

The movement is keeping up a running theme that’s currently in vogue throughout the world: Revolution.

So far in 2011, we’ve seen a revolution in Egypt, uprisings in Syria and Yemen, riots and protests across the Middle East, in Wisconsin, and now on Wall Street. Demanding accountability and repercussions for actions is all the rage these days, and it is high time die-hard Eagles fans jumped on that bandwagon.

Now, we’re not actually suggesting a physical revolt or violent protest… But The Billionaire and The Devil NEED to be told how we (the paying, forever-loyal customers) feel about the current state of the team. Much like the Wall Street execs that don’t give one shit about the rest of this country and the awesome predicament they put us in, Lurie and Banner simply tune out the fans, our complaints and our burning, never-fleeting desire to see the Eagles WIN A FREAKING SUPER BOWL.

We demand satisfaction. We demand respect. We demand a football coach who is more concerned with the play on the field than a reporter asking him a question he doesn’t like. We demand a Lombardi trophy and a coach capable of delivering one.

We’re putting out a call to all Eagles fans and everyone in Fire The Walrus nation: Get on your Facebook, get on your Twitter, get on your Google+ (that’s still a thing, right?), get on the Eagles’ message boards, get on 9.75 and 94.1, and let the Eagles’ bigwigs know that we will no longer stand for this!

We demand accountability for The Walrus’ crimes against Eagles fans. Forget the economy failing our country… our team is failing our city. This isn’t football, this is life… and Andy Reid has pushed us around for too long!(*)

#OccupyNovacareComplex! #OccupyTheLinc! #FireTheWalrus!

(*)Please note: This is meant to be tongue-in-cheek. In no way are we trying to undermine the importance of what’s going on around the world.

Whisker Wednesday

October 5, 2011

Yes, you read that right… It’s the long-awaited return of Whisker Wednesday!(*)

(*)Assuming you’ve been waiting patiently by the computer for it…

Strained Relationships
Over at Philly.com, Paul Domowitch discusses the fine points of The Walrus’ straining relationship with the Philly media. Domo touches on some good points, particularly how the tenure of a coach has a direct effect on that coach’s relationship with the local media. More or less, the longer a coach remains in one place, the less information he thinks he needs to provide to the media. According to Domo:

“After 13 years as the Eagles’ king, after 13 years of listening to his agent tell him how powerful and omniscient he is, Reid feels he can do pretty much whatever he wants, whether it’s promoting an offensive-line coach to defensive coordinator or defying the NFL’s media policy.”

Another point revolves around the fans and what they want. Domo claims its information, but this is where we disagree. Eagles’ fans have disliked Reid for so long for one reason more than any: his arrogance. We touched on this the other day, but it’s true. It’s not that Reid doesn’t give enough info in his press conferences – like Domo says in the article, or common sense would dictate, the majority of coaches are withholding and stingy when  it comes to sharing information – but the fact that he has such an attitude about it.

Again, Walrus, you didn’t invent the game of football. Come down from that ivory (tusk) tower and remember that YOU HAVEN’T WON A DAMN SUPER BOWL YET!

Calling Danny Watkins
If you haven’t heard yet, 2011 first-round pick Danny Watkins will finally step foot onto a football field this year… to play!

Honestly, who cares? Watkins is yet another in a long line of underwhelming Andy Reid first-round picks. Sure, Brock Lesner’s twin hasn’t played a down of regular season ball yet, but we all know what’s coming, right? Failure.

Maybe it was the lack of an offseason, but Watkins got a chance in preseason and was clearly overwhelmed and overmatched. Reading the tea leaves, this doesn’t bode well with his pro prospects. Offensive Line, particularly the Guard spot, is usually a position that rookies are capable of stepping right into. So far, not so much for Watkins. We hope he proves us wrong… but he likely won’t.

The Dream is Dead
Vince Young may have declared this Eagles team to be a “Dream Team,” but like the back-up he is, his comment now has to take a back seat to the team’s real leader.

According to CSN Philly’s Andy Schwartz, Mike Vick has officially declared the “Dream Team” label dead. Thank Buddy!

“I think the Dream Team … that word is dead now,” Vick said Wednesday before practice. “You can’t talk Dream Team anymore. Maybe it put pressure on some players, maybe it didn’t. But I think just the fact that people turned it around and was talking about it creates a sense of pressure.”

Oh Michael, how we wholeheartedly agree… until he followed that up with this doozy:

“I think that’s over with now,” he said, “and I think that we’re one of the teams that scratch and kick from the bottom now and figure out how we’re going to get ourselves back to a position of being one of the best teams in the league.”

You know how you do that, Mike? Lose(**). Get The Walrus fired. And maybe put your team in a position to draft the next coming of Joe Montana Andrew Luck.

(**)We cannot actually root for the Eagles to lose… no matter how much closer it makes the “Walrus Fired!”  headline to being a reality. It’s just not in our makeup. It would be like rooting for a family member to commit suicide.

The Walrus Has No One To Blame But The Walrus Himself
In case you weren’t sick of fed up with murderous at Andy Reid for continuously claiming that HE needs to do a better job, Reuben Frank wrote an entire piece on CSN Philly yesterday about Reid putting the blame for the 1-3 start on his own bulky shoulders.

It’s chock full of Reid’s typical bag of cliches and half-assed excuses. Give it a read, it’ll infuriate you. It’ll get your Walrus-hating juices flowing. It’ll make you puke in your mouth when you remember he’s been saying this same bullshit for 13 FREAKING YEARS NOW!

“We’ve got to make sure we fix it,” Reid said. “I obviously don’t like what I’m seeing, and I’m a part of that problem.”

No Andy… you ARE the problem!(***)

(***)You know, and the whole no tackling thing…

Make sure you all thank Rube for yet another reminder of why we desperately need to Fire The Walrus!

Just Because

October 4, 2011

It never gets old…

If only Reid’s brain was as strong as his pituitary gland!

Mikey Miss Versus The Immovable Object: The Walrus’ Fat Arrogance

October 3, 2011

This morning, our old comrade Mike Missanelli went down to The Walrus’ morning after press conference mumbling/heavy-breathing/answer-dodging triathlon, and did something no “journalist” in Andy’s inner circle has the balls to do: grill him. Actually try to get a hard answer out of him. Who knew it was possible! (Hint: it’s not.)

The topic at hand was Ronnie Brown’s monumental brain fart and the fact that Brown told CSN Philly’s Derrick Gunn that the play was a designed run/pass option, yet Gunn didn’t have the wherewithal to ask a follow-up question – like “Was the play designed for you to throw the ball from the ground?” or “Were you dropped on your head as a child?” So Mikey Miss, in his always-lawyering-everyone mentality, pried Andy about the play, specifically asking why he would call a play that’s not traditionally effective in the goal line situation. And Andy, of course, pried right back.

It’s classic, stubborn, uppity Andy Reid. Not only does he avoid answering the question entirely, but attempts to demoralize Missanelli with a little bullying. He literally accuses M-squared of ignorance for not attending practice(*).

(*)Queue Iverson.

“How dare Mike Missanelli ask a pertinent question! Who does he think he is? He doesn’t show up to practice everyday… like Eskin!” That’s the only thought process Reid must use when his logic is questioned. Didn’t you know: Andy Reid invented the game of football!

Also, that rat Howard Eskin attends every practice because his mouth is surgically attached to The Walrus’ lap.

Listen to the audio over at 97.5 The Fanatic, or see the video at The 700 Level(**) (or below, maybe). It’ll frustrate you even more!(***)

(**)Link also has a very enjoyable story about Eskin putting his schmucky Burger King foot in his schmucky Burger King mouth!

(***)The whole point of being an Eagles fan is masochism, right? RIGHT?!

More tomorrow Walrus loathers!


The Day After: Our Sunday of Discontent

October 3, 2011

Man, we knew the Eagles and Phillies like to show each other up, but yesterday reached a new level in the city’s “friendly” rivalry. The Phillies just couldn’t let the Eagles have the “choke-job” headline! They HAD to one-up the Birds and take the attention for themselves…

In all seriousness, words can’t describe the level of venomous anger that we feel after yesterday.

Where do the Eagles go from here? Ideally, they would lose the next 12 games and jump into the Andrew Luck sweepstakes(*), but you know that The Walrus would find some way of screwing that up – like winning a meaningless game in week 17 to take the team out of the running for the first overall pick. But, realistically, this team is headed for a 7-9, 8-8 or 9-7 season at best. And 9-7 even seems out of reach.

(*)Please don’t think that we actually view this as a possibility.

Sure, it’s only been four weeks and is too early to declare the Eagles season over… but, like we mentioned yesterday, they aren’t likely to overcome their current record. And they don’t exactly have the infrastructure in place to turn this thing around.

The Eagles are fundamentally flawed.

That is not news. We’ve known as much for the past couple of years. But it is as clear as day that this team is in major trouble. Again, they can’t tackle. They can’t play in the red zone on either side of the ball. They can’t protect the ball on Offense (more on this in a minute) and struggle to take it away on Defense. Their Defensive Coordinator is so painfully under-qualified(**) that they may as well have kept Ginger McDermutt(***). The only difference between the 2011 Secondary and the 2010 incarnation is that Nnamdi Asomugha makes roughly $11 million more than Dmitri Patterson did.

(**)And boy, is THAT an understatement!


(***)That’s former-Defensive Coordinator/Fire The Walrus-whipping boy, Sean McDermott for our newcomers.

It’s perplexing. It really is. Even after sleeping on it and collecting our thoughts, we still can’t seem to wrap our heads around the abject failure this season is turning out to be. We could/would never root for the team to lose or do poorly, but at this point, tanking the season is the only way Andy Reid loses his job. And even then, it’s not a sure thing, as Joe Banner The Devil basically insinuated that The Walrus is more or less the “coach for life.”

But everything must go. From the top down, this team needs to be broken up and sent packing. The coaching staff is hideous, the Defense is a disgrace and the Offense, even with its “star playmakers,” has few redeemable qualities.

Speaking of which… When did Andy Reid hire L.J. Smith to teach the Offense how to carry the ball? Vick, McCoy, Jackson, Maclin, Harbor… they ALL carry the ball in one hand, stretched out in front of them! Why?! Why are they incapable of tucking the ball in and protecting it?! And this started WAY before Maclin’s ridiculous fumble in the fourth quarter yesterday. It’s been going on since last year, and is absolutely infuriating. L.J. Smith was famous for carrying the ball like a loaf of bread(****) and cost the Eagles numerous fumbles. The fact that the coaching staff has allowed this to continue is just one more indictment on how frustratingly horrendous they are at their jobs. What the hell are the Eagles paying their coaches to do?!

(****)Copyright Pat Summerall.

Again, words can’t even begin to describe the level of vitriol we currently have for this team. It is mortifying to be an Eagles fan right now.  There is no pride in rooting for a team that has no heart and no desire. It’s maddening. It really is. We can’t even coherently rant…

Just look at what Cullen Jenkins, one of the very few bright spots this season and someone who played for a Super Bowl-winning team last year, had to say about the current state of the Eagles (via Dan Graziano’s NFC East blog on ESPN.com):

Regarding the mood in the locker room at halftime of the San Fran game – “I think it was a little bit too happy in here. Just because you’ve got a lead in the game doesn’t mean you’ve played a good game.”

Something we’ve been preaching since Fire The Walrus started – “The biggest thing we’re missing in here is the attitude. There’s not that fire, that mental toughness that makes you think you’re going to make it happen. And we’ve got to get that. At some point, the man in you has to come out.”

And finally, the truth – “There’s a lot of talented teams around the league that never win, and it’s because they don’t learn how to play the game as a team.”

Yep, that sums it up nicely!

Like we’ve been saying from day one on here, the Eagles lack the type of players that win in the NFL. There is no leader on the Defense, no Dawkins/Trotter/Douglas that can be relied on to step up and make a play, or get in his teammates faces and rile them up. There is no Jim Johnson to cover up Andy Reid’s flaws.

There’s just The Walrus, The Offensive Line Coach and a collection of players with no determination or heart.

This is your 2011 Philadelphia Eagles team. This is the season of our discontent.

This is the season to Fire The Walrus.