Not-So Breaking News: We’re Back, Apathetic As Ever

Oh, hello there…

Who let you in here?

Just kidding… it’s great to see you! It’s certainly been a while. Why don’t we catch up…

First of all, we apologize. Profusely. We know you guys – what may or may not be left of Fire The Walrus Nation – have been waiting with bated breath for us to chime in on one of the MANY happenings in the past bunch of months, and we have done you a major disservice.

The Walrus pulled a power play and The Devil is dead(*)… or rather, simply replaced with a younger, stingier, Reid-friendly Devil Lite. It turns out, for all of his bullshit, Devil Banner was finally ready to pull the plug on The Walrus.

(*)Actually, he was just exiled to Cleveland. But, you know, isn’t that really the same thing?

But, leave it to Lurie’s love of water mammals – or whatever illicit pictures Andy has of The Billionaire that could have been used against him in his recent divorce – Andy remains for another year. Though, now with an ultimatum!

We’ll believe it when we see it.

The Eagles seemed to finally realize that Linebacker is actually a position in the NFL – who knew?! – and made a major(ish) trade for a potential real Middle Linebacker (DeMeco Ryans) and spent another in a long line of second-round draft picks on a LB… and we know how well that’s worked out for The Walrus(**). Let’s hope – and so far so good – Mychal Kendricks is the exception to what’s become the rule. Unfortunately, the reviews on Ryans have been mixed at best so far… so the LB position remains incomplete.

(**)The ghosts of Quinton Caver and Matt McCoy are still lurking around the NovaCare Complex.

The Walrus decided to hire Todd Bowles to coach the Secondary… even though he was an interim Head Coach and a strong Defensive Coordinator candidate. It’s a strong move, but why keep inexperienced Juan and supplement him with Jim Washburn and Bowles, rather than simply hand the keys to one of the more experienced guys? Because Andy Reid doesn’t make mistakes. Haven’t you been paying attention for the last fourteen years!

And, unfortunately, we can’t not mention the elephant walrus in the room… Garrett Reid. What happened was extraordinarily unfortunate and horrible, and in no way has anything to do with Andy Reid as a Coach. As we’ve said since we started this site, Andy’s personal life is just that, personal. What happens with his family is off limits here, regardless of how it may or may not affect his job performance.  Our anger with Reid stems from his game day coaching abilities and decision-making, his reckless disregard of Defense and his incredible stubbornness/belief that he invented the game of football. Not his parenting. End of conversation.

Now that we’re all caught up, why have we failed to chime in on any of this prior to Christmas Eve the eve of the 2012 season?

In all honesty, the combination of Eli and the Giants winning another Super Bowl(***) and the return of both The Walrus and Magic Don Juan Cantcoachdefenselo(****), put us in such a football-loathing funk, that we simply couldn’t care to spill any electronic ink over any of it.

(***)Maybe we should just stop writing now…

(****)Oh masochism, why can’t we quit you?!

Apathy is a hell of a drug. We just couldn’t find the urge/desire/need to care… also, basketball was really good this year!  The Eagles have long been the family member that perpetually disappoints us, but the last few seasons – particularly last season’s kerfuffle – finally put us over the edge.  We are basically a 15th Andy Reid season away from officially becoming Jesse Pinkman’s parents and cutting them off for good(*****).

(*****)But don’t actually count on that happening. We simply can’t help but hold out hope that our fuck-up of a team will kick its nasty Walrus addiction and rehabilitate with a healthy dose of Defense.

We actually really liked what the team did in the draft – though let’s all calm down on the whole “Nick Foles is the next Joe Montana” noise(******) – and are fans of the Eagles’ youth movement. But it’s really hard to find the love for a team that you know is just simply going to disappoint you again.  We know exactly what’s going to happen this season: The Eagles will win between 8 and 12 games and either barley-miss the playoffs or simply be one and done in the second season.  And that will be more than enough for Reid to return.

(******)With that being said, we’re intrigued. Michael Vick hasn’t won a playoff game since the 2004 season and obviously can’t make it through a full slate of games. We liked Kafka… but obviously Andy likes what he sees in Foles more.

So, as we’re stuck in a constant cycle of the departed Devil Banner’s definition of insanity, we’ve simply lost the will to give even the slightest bit of fucks about what transpired so far for the 2012 Philadelphia Eagles… until now.

Tomorrow is the day! Eagles football is back… and no matter how apathetic we may be, no matter how low our expectations are, no matter how sure we are that the team will go 10-6, win a playoff game and tear our hearts out once again in the Divisional Round… we’re happy to have them back. We just wish they were about 350+ lbs. lighter.

It’s good to be back. Fire The Walrus.

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