NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Down Goes Juan

October 16, 2012

Forget NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS… This is ACTUAL BREAKING NEWS!

Juan Cantcoachstillo is officially OUT!

Andy Reid just announced that he has fired his best friend and replaced him with Todd Bowles. If you recall, we predicted this before the season started.

Wow… Way to start off the bye week! Can you say panic move?! Andy KNOWS his fat walrus ass is finally on the Red Lobster grill hot seat!

And if you had Juan in your 2012 Eagles Fantasy Blame League, congrats, you just Juan won!

MUCH MUCH MORE coming later on…

Advertisements

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Vickhead’s Serious Case Of The Dropsies

October 7, 2012

The good news? Michael Vick didn’t throw any interceptions this week against the Steelers. The bad news? He seemingly developed an allergic reaction to holding on to footballs.

Vick put more balls on the ground than an all-male flashmob performing “The Worm.”

The Offensive Line was shaky, at best, and allowed the Steelers to pressure Vick all day. And while he took his regular dose of brutal hits, Vick looked skittish for the first 30 minutes of play. Every time he was hit, he dropped the ball. Three times in the first quarter… Two of which ended potential scoring drives.

Vick may have collected himself and put together another late game, go-ahead drive – his fourth of the season – but the Eagles lost this game because of Michael Vick. The team had opportunity after opportunity to take control of this game early, but couldn’t capitalize. Forget capitalizing… They couldn’t hold on to the freaking football! It was like the Offense was dipping their hands in olive oil on the sideline.

The Steelers looked almost Eagle-like in the first half: committing a ridiculous amount of holding and illegal formation and pass interference penalties; poorly executing a terrible gameplan… They were ready to hand the game over to the Eagles! Yet Vickhead was determined to hand it right back.

But something else happened in this game that makes us not as angry/depressed/murderous as we would usually be after an Eagles lose. Andy Reid adjusted his offensive gameplan! WHAT?!!?! In fact, this may be two weeks in a row that we’ve seen The Walrus shift his size-58 utility belt gameplan from “do nothing to move the ball forward” in the first half, to “give the ball to Shady and let him do Shady things, while only allowing Vick to throw short, quick dinks and dunks” in the second half. And for the second straight week… It worked!

Between McCoy doing his best Barry Sanders impression(*) and Vick firing the ball out as fast as possible – considering there was a Steeler coming at him unencumbered and full-speed on EVERY SINGLE PLAY, kind-of-sort-of made this a necessity – the Birds were able to put together their most impressive drive of the season. 17 plays, 79 yards, over 8:18, culminating in a two-yard touchdown pass to Brent Celek. The Eagles haven’t been capable of of that in Buddy knows how long!

(*)And as much as we hate them, it’s an honor to hear the likes of Joe FBuck and Troy Aikman confirm what we’ve been saying for more than two years now… LeSean McCoy is the only Running Back to ever come close to resembling the head/shoulder-fakes and cuts that Barry Sanders made famous.

But while Andy’s playcalling drastically improved over the course of the game, the Defense, which has been very good so far this season, finally cracked… Or at least was worn out by the Steelers bruising, smashmouth style. This time, it’s Juan and Washburn that need to do some adjusting and figure out why the Steelers were able to get such a great push at the line and run all over the D in the final quarter.

So, while Andy Reid wasn’t exactly the reason his team lost today – though it certainly would have helped to have had some timeouts at the end of the game – owners of Vickhead and Castillo had a great day in their 2012 Eagles Fantasy Blame leagues! And that’s really what this season seems to be coming down to: Who gets thrown under the bus at the end? Will it be Vick and his army of pitbulls turnovers… Or Juan Canmaybecoachstillo when the Defense doesn’t come through? It remains to be seen.

All we know is, 3-2 doesn’t feel as good as 4-1 would have felt.


Michael Vick: The $100 Million Enigma

September 27, 2012

Now that “Replacement Refocalypse” is in the rearview mirror and the regular refs are back(*), let’s turn our attention to a more important matter: Michael Vick and his horrific season.

(*)And until the real refs make an inevitable ghastly mistake that reminds all NFL fans that we weren’t really satisfied with the league’s level of officiating as it was.

Earlier this week, The Walrus flat-out lied told the football world that Vick is his Quarterback, a day after claiming Vick’s status will be evaluated. Hmmmmm… This feels kind of déjà vu-y, doesn’t it?! Andy make very similar proclamations regarding both Dramavon McNabb and Kevin Kolb. So let’s take anything the whiskered wonder says with the tiniest grain of salt. But a Quarterback controversy this is not. Michael Vick will be the Eagles QB. Until he’s not.

The larger question is SHOULD Michael Vick be starter moving forward, and, more importantly, is he capable of leading this team?

Short answer: yes and no. But, it’s complicated.

While we’ve stated it many times before, and believe it wholeheartedly, we’ll say it again… Vick is not a championship-caliber QB. With his style of play and decision-makinge, he just isn’t a Super Bowl Quarterback. Does he have heart? Tons. Does he have athletic ability? More than anyone. But those two things don’t equal a QB that can take a team to the promise land. He simply doesn’t have the tangible skills needed to lead a team over the course of an entire season and playoffs.

Would we like to eat our words? Of course! There’s nothing we want more than a Lombardi Trophy in the NovaCare Complex. We just don’t see it happening. Although, with that being said, he’s still the superior QB on the roster, and the team will have to ride out this season with him – assuming he can stay upright. Nick Foles may be a nice player, but his bandwagon is already standing room only and it just doesn’t make sense to throw a rookie QB in with this team. The 2012 Eagles will live and die with Mike Vick.

Now, the question of his ability is the big one. Grantland.com’s resident football expert, Bill Barnwell(**), takes a detailed statistical look at Michael Vick, over the course of Vick’s 26 starts as the Eagles fulltime QB. The splits are very interesting when broken down between his first 13 games and the last 13.

(**)We realize we continue to drop Barnwell’s name, but it’s because he really has a phenomenal statistical mind and is one of the premiere football writers of this decade. You should be reading him daily!

If you recall, Vick started his Eagles tenure on a tear, throwing 24 TDs to 8 INTs with a nearly 62% completion percentage. In the last 13 games, that percentage dropped to under 59% and his TD:INT ratio fell to 17:18. That’s bad. Very bad.

Barnwell continues to detail Vick’s errors, by delving deeper into his last 18 interceptions. According to his research, Vick’s INTs fall into two categories: tipped balls – which account for 8 INTs and are caused by Vick’s flawed sidearm mechanics and forced passes that are deflected – and poor decisions based off of poor reads.

It’s no secret that Vick makes poor choices, struggles to read Defenses, throws across his body and forces balls into double and triple-coverages… But can these things be fixed? Not likely.

At this point in his career, and with the amount of money the Eagles are paying him, Vick is who he is. And who he is, is an inaccurate, insufficient, gun-slinging, pass-forcing, sidearm-throwing, mediocre Quarterback. He’s still gonna take big hits refuse to slide, and will play his ass off and leave everything on the field. Much like Allen Iverson(***), we love Vick’s grit and fight and never-say-die-atude, but we’re not winning with him.

(***)Who we hold a special place in our hearts for.

We can only pray that they win despite him, and that he is gone next year, rather than collecting $16.5 million to continue regressing.

And hopefully he’ll be taking The Walrus with him.


Introducing The 2012 Eagles Fantasy Blame League

September 8, 2012

Let’s be honest, we know how the 2012 Philadelphia Eagles season will end… Pretty sure we’ve mentioned it once or 296 times or so.

The Eagles will win anywhere between 8 and 12 games. They may or may not make the playoffs. They may or may not win a playoff game. But ultimately, they will fail to win a Super Bowl.

Pessimism? Sure. Reality? Surer. Fantasy? Why not…

Regardless of how it ends, we’re destined to continue to repeat history. You may want to sit down for this, but… You ready? Brace yourself… Andy Reid will undoubtedly be the Head Coach of the 2013 Philadelphia Eagles.

Take a deep breath.

So, obviously, somebody else needs to be blamed. If you haven’t heard, the 2011 abomination was simply the fault of what The Billionaire called “a rash of injuries.” The only rash we recall was the one up Desean Jackson’s ass when he quit on the team in Seattle(*). Who will this season’s scapegoat be? It’s anyone’s guess. But we do know, there will be blame!

(*)But that’s another story…

There are so many people for The Walrus to throw under the foodtruck, that we may as well have some fun figuring out who it will be… Welcome to the 2012 Eagles Fantasy Blame League(**)!

(**)Idea copyright David Jacoby.

The rules are simple: Draft a “team” of Eagles’ players, coaches and executives; Scoring cumulates over the course of the season; Nobody wins.

Scoring:

  • Subject of Negative Article – 5 pts
  • Called Out by Teammates/Players – 10 pts
  • Argument with Teammate/Coach -15 pts
  • Argument with Media Member – 25 pts
  • Benched/Losses Play-Calling Duties – 25 pts
  • Vote of Confidence – 40 pts
  • Cut/Fired – 100 pts
  • Blamed for Failed Season – We All Lose

Here’s how the draft panned out:
Round 1
1. Juan Castillo
2. Mike Vick
Round 2
3. Jim Washburn
4. Marty Mornhinweg
Round 3
5. Christina Lurie
6. Howie Roseman
Round 4
7. Vince Young
8. Jeffrey Lurie’s Divorce Attorney
Round 5
9. Joe Banner Retroactively
10. Replacement Refs

Magic Don Juan Cantcoachdefenselo was the obvious number one pick and at the top of everyone’s draft board. After Juan and Vick though, the blaming talent takes a steep fall. Washburn’s ludicrous Wide-9 was a source of much scorn and had a strong showing in 2011 blame. If the Offense is below-average, it’s clearly Marty’s fault, not Andy’s. The Christina Lurie/Lurie’s Attorney handcuff was a major coup. The sleeper pick may be the replacement refs, as one egregious call could grant The Walrus a free pass at keeping the insanity going.

Get your leagues ready and draft your team… Let the blames begin!