NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Let The Chants Rain Down

November 27, 2011

Well, it’s officially official… the Eagles suck. Who would have ever thought that this year’s vintage would end up 4-7?

We’ll have a full post mortem tomorrow, but just wanted to thank/congratulate/express total pleasure with the fans at the Linc tonight for joining in the “Fire Andy” chants! (Read an unbiased opinion of the chanting at PFT.) We even got a “Fire The Walrus” chant brewing in the escalator tunnel after the game!(*)

(*)And by “after the game,” we mean in the third quarter…

Good times!

At this point we can’t even remember what home-field advantage means.

More tomorrow.

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Vick’s Yes-So Breaking Ribs

November 14, 2011

Bring on the excuses!

According to multiple every news source, Vick’s ribs were broken on the second play of yesterday’s debacle game. He didn’t tell the coaching staff. Way to add injury to insult!

Look, Michael, we know you’re a warrior and are super competitive and everything, but seriously… if you knew your ribs were badly hurt (let alone broken) after the second play of the game, why wouldn’t you tell someone? It’s okay to take yourself out of the game, considering the Offense couldn’t have played much worse than it did with you(*).

(*)And yes, we too cringe at the thought of Vince Young…

Frankly, rib injury or not, that was the single worst game of Vick’s Eagle-career and any excuse, whether legitimate or not, is bullshit. No one wants to hear it. We’re embarrassed enough as it is as a collective fan base… we don’t need this sorry excuse for a team giving opposing fans even more ammunition.

At this point – and we can’t believe we’re saying this – we welcome Vick’s injury. Of course we don’t wish him actual pain(**), but an un healthy-Vick/Vince Young combo will certainly ensure more losing. And this team needs to lose as much as it can(***).

(**)Please note: This is not an invitation to elicit the dog fighting argument.

(***)Get ready for a four-game win streak and an 8-8 finish!

Also, King Dunlap suffered a concussion, yet no coaches knew about it until after the game. You know, ‘cause concussions aren’t a hot topic right now or anything.

Way to coach Andy… guess you need to “do a better job of that.”

To add even further insult (to our intelligence), read ESPN’s (formerly-Philadelphia Inquirer’s) Ashley Fox’s take on whether a losing season guarantees The Walrus’ ouster(****). Spoiler alert: it doesn’t. Primarily due to Jeffrey Lurie’s propensity to go against the fan base’s wishes. Thanks Billionaire!

(****)And note that we’ve been saying the same thing. Unfortunately, 3-13 doesn’t guarantee Reid’s gone.

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: We Hate The Bye Week Like The Walrus Hates The Term “Fat Free”

October 23, 2011

That is all.

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: The Eagles Win a Game?!

October 16, 2011


We wish we had a .GIF of the Walrus flapping his flippers, but this goofy, ham sandwich-craving grin will have to suffice.

Even though they won and the season’s not officially over (thank Buddy!), your usual mix of vitriol and fat jokes will commence tomorrow.

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: The Bowtie Retires, No One Notices

October 12, 2011

Dhani Jones, the bowtie-wearing, air banjo-playing, third wheel of the Eagles big 2004 offseason splash (where they more famously snagged Kearse and TO) has officially retired from football.

Who cares? No one(*).

(*)Except maybe the bowtie industry.

Why bring it up? Mostly because we just like making fun of Jones – who we once saw out at the Kimmel Center, along with Jill Scott from his balcony seat. Bowtie Man will forever be known in Philadelphia as one of The Walrus’ infamously awful Linebacker acquisitions… Though he would still somehow be an upgrade over Fredo Matthews.

In honor of Dhani’s retirement, let’s all get arrested for dancing in the street!

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Andy Waves The (Food-Stained) White Flag

October 11, 2011

According to ESPN’s Chris Morternsen, and via, Andy Reid is considering bringing in a Defensive Consultant during the bye week. Oh boy!

Now, whether that means Juan Castillo keeps his current job or not remains to be seen. Nor does it mean that the Defense will improve at all… it’s not like a consultant is bringing new Linebackers and Safeties with him. And who exactly Andy pegs to be said consultant doesn’t really matter – PFT floats the name of former Titans’ Defensive Coordinator Chuck Cecil as a possibility – because this is just another case of the Andy Reid-regime Eagles waiting until it’s already too late to admit they were wrong.

Buddy-forbid, Reid could have just gotten it right the first time and hired an ACTUAL Defensive Coordinator. But nooooooo… his extreme stubbornness and fat arrogance makes him think he’s the smartest mammal to ever put on a coach’s headset. Didn’t you know – Andy Reid INVENTED the game of football!

It’s truly sickening. Why must it come to this? Why must the Eagles’ coaching situation need to be a national story?

Yes, we jumped on the whole ‘all in’ bandwagon too(*), but in hindsight, how could we, the team or anyone else, think they were going all out for a Super Bowl WHEN THEY HIRED THEIR FREAKING OFFENSIVE LINE COACH TO COACH THE DEFENSE. It was a major red flag, and yet, here we are, five weeks into the season and the Eagles are just now realizing that maybe it wasn’t the best idea. You think guys?!

(*)You know we’ll always be the first to admit when we’re wrong.

The Defense only gives up the fifth most points in the league (ranked 27th overall in points allowed and 26th overall in points allowed per game – an abysmal 26.4), is dead last in the Red Zone (giving up points on more than 78 percent of opponents trips inside their 20-yard line), allows the third most touchdowns per game (3.4), and is ranked 30th overall against the run and has missed an NFL record 1,238 tackles (estimated). The team is also 26th overall in takeaways and dead last in Offensive turnovers. And, oh yeah, the Defense is ranked 32nd overall (out of 32) in Defensive Efficiency – via Football Outsiders amazing stat work

Man, it’s a good thing Andy waited until Week Six of a 16-game season to address the Defensive problems!

Yesterday, Bill Simmons and Cousin Sal – on their weekly NFL recap/betting-line B.S. Report Podcast – pontificated about the Eagles woes, and if they stem from the insanely shortened offseason. Sure, there were many new faces on the team, particularly the defensive-side of the ball, and not to mention the change in coaches… but with only six weeks to prepare, how could they have gelled and become a cohesive unit? Not only was Castillo switching from Offense to Defense and was learning on the fly, but he also acquired six new starters and had to get them prepared in an extremely abridged amount of time.

Well, then how do you explain Jim Harbaugh taking over AN ENTIRE TEAM in San Francisco, with the same time frame and similar plethora of new players – not to mention the fact that they lost their best Defensive Lineman in Aubrayo Franklin – and turning the team around to a 4-1 start and an almost certain division title? How come the 49ers aren’t struggling mightily? How come the Carolina Panthers – who hired our old whipping boy Ginger McDermutt as Defensive Coordinator – are ranked 9th overall in Red Zone Defense(**)?

(**)The Panthers do, however, rank awfully low in points allowed (26th overall, ahead of the Eagles), touchdowns per game (23rd) and run D (27th).

It’s just so typical of Andy Reid to let this problem fester to this point. Assuming they DO bring in a consultant, whoever it is won’t start until the Bye Week (Week 7), when the Eagles will already be 1-5 (we assume). What’s the point? Are we to believe that a consultant can fundamentally change the Defense for the better, propelling the Eagles to a 10-game win streak and a playoff spot? Hell no. Plus, Juan Castillo will keep his job and work with the consultant. Again, what’s the point?

Unless The Walrus is also planning on hiring an Offensive Red Zone consultant(***) and a play-calling consultant and a clock management consultant, this team is not going to improve. Just like the 2007 season, the 2008 season, the 2009 season and the 2010 season, everything remains the same. Only the names of the players change.

(***)Another thing Simmons mentioned on the podcast… When the Eagles have the ball at the opponent’s goal line, you expect the Eagles Offense to move backwards. And they always do. And this is coming from someone who doesn’t watch the team regularly.

It’s time for The Billionaire and The Devil to bring in a consultant of their own. A football consultant. Someone who can oversee both the Offense and Defense.

You know… an actual NFL Head Coach.

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Um, What Happened?!

October 2, 2011

Ummmmm, what happened?!

Well the Eagles “Dream Team” Defense had a Mets-style(*) meltdown in the fourth quarter – for the third week in a row! – to a team with an Offense ranked 28th overall in the NFL in passing and 30th overall in the NFL in running. You did not misread that!

(*)Or Red Sox or Braves-style collapse for the fans of recent analogy history.

That’s what happened.

Remember the scene in The Big Lebowski, where Walter Sobchak (John Goodman’s most transcendent performance) famously freaks out on the kid Larry Sellers, who stole the Dude’s car, “You see what happens?! You see what happens Larry?! You see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass?!”(**) That’s what we’d like to do to Andy Reid right now… “You see what happens?! You see what happens Andy?! You see what happens when make your Offensive Line Coach your Defensive Coordinator?!”

(**)Please note: the link is the edited-for-TV version, which hilariously changes Walter’s: “You see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass?!” to “You see what happens when you fool a stranger in the Alps?!” Always loved that edit!

This is unreal! Who would have thought that, with the additions of Asomugha, Babin, Jenkins, DRC, Page, Matthews (HA!), etc., the Birds’ D would somehow be worse than last year’s pathetic group? We’ve covered Fredo extensively, but what about Jarrad Page? That dude may as well be named Blaine Bishop! Nate Allen is not what he was pre-injury. Babin and Jenkins have actually been fantastic… rushing the QB. The line can’t stop the run, the Linebackers can’t stop the run and the Secondary can’t stop the run. Oh, and NO ONE CAN TACKLE! Because, you know, tackling is not something that’s important in football…

And forget the D, does Ronnie Brown have a head injury?! Did his preseason concussion baseline test not show the massive tumor blocking whatever part of the brain makes decisions?! What the fuck was that?! Has any skill position player in the history of football ever decided to look back and throw the ball to no one in particular, even though he was less than two inches from being down and had four opposing players in his line of vision? Is Ronnie Brown color blind? Can he not tell the difference between green and red? So many questions! I hope Jon Dorenbos takes the initiative and asks him, in his long-going attempt to take Dave Spadaro’s job!

But back to the issue at hand… The philosophy that Andy Reid used to build this team – get the lead with a “high-powered” Offense early, protect the lead by pressuring the QB and taking away his Receivers – is extremely flawed, this we know. But it’s never back-fired this spectacularly. Three straight weeks, three straight leads going into the fourth quarter, three straight losses:

Week Two versus Atlanta
31 – 21 with 1:59 remaining in the third; lost the lead with 4:48 remaining in the fourth

Week Three versus NYG
16 – 14 with :59 remaining in the third; lost the lead with 8:07 remaining in the fourth

Week Four versus San Fran
23 – 3 with 9:30 remaining in the third; lost the lead with 3:00 remaining in the fourth

Can the Eagles survive 1-3? Probably not. They started 0-2 in 2003 and made it to the NFC Championship Game. They started 2-2 last year and ended up making the playoffs. But 1-3? They are in trouble. Serious trouble. But thankfully, maybe, hopefully, Walrus firing trouble.

We need to try to wrap our heads around this one. Much, much more coming tomorrow and the rest of the week. And for those who look for us on Twitter and here during home games: FYI, The Billionaire decided to block phone service in the stadium so that fans are forced to (but don’t) rent their bullshit “Fan Experience” thing that gives scores and highlights for around the league. Because God forbid fans should be allowed to communicate with the outside world watching on TV. Or, you know, bash the team share their feelings on social media.

Fuck it dude… let’s go Phillies!

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: The Walrus Goes ‘All In’

July 30, 2011

What can be said for what went down at 6 p.m. EST on July 29, 2011?

The day started with a post on this very site, praising(?!) Andy Reid for taking a low-risk, high-reward chance on Vince Young, back-up Quarterback. The day ended with The Walrus, The Devil and The Billionaire pushing all of their chips in the middle of the table and calling “all in” on the 2011 NFL season.

And boy, are we impressed.

A secondary including Asante Samuel, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie and Nnamdi Asomugha(*) immediately hides many of the Eagles defensive problems. They can go into the season with Jamar Chaney, Casey Matthews and Moises Fokou as the starting Linebackers(**). They can get away with a rotation of Trent Cole, Jason Babin, Juqua Parker, a less-than-100% Brandon Graham, and the Tapp-Sapp-Hunt pu pu platter at DE. They can have a lifelong Offensive Line Coach takeover the reins of the Defense. They still need another DT – sorry Bunkley – and another Safety to add to the mix, but, wow… just wow.

(*)Just writing that brings a tear to my eye…

(**)Though, hopefully, they will wise up and add at least ONE legitimate veteran to the LB corps.

People are calling this a stunning move, but to Andy’s credit, it’s not unprecedented. He has a knack for going after the top-flight free agents and acquiring his targets. Jon Runyan, Jevon Kearse, Asante, (almost LeCharles Bentley). And now the prize of the 2011 free agent class, Asomugha.

Additionally, this isn’t the first time Andy has pieced together a defensive backfield that can strike fear into the hearts of opposing Offenses. Following the NFC Championship game loss to the Rams in 2001 – which saw the Rams’ “Greatest Show on Turf” Offense and subsequent 4 and 5-receiver sets pick apart the Eagles secondary – the team drafted Lito Sheppard, Sheldon Brown and Michael Lewis in the first two rounds of the draft and added free agent Strong Safety Blaine Bishop to an already stellar cast of Brian Dawkins, Troy Vincent, Bobby Taylor and Al Harris. Bishop didn’t pan out, but the Eagles secondary propelled the Defense to the number two ranking that season.

The team’s secondary was horrendous in 2010 – giving up a franchise record 31 passing touchdowns in the regular season – and, after moving away from it for a few years, the NFL is once again dominated by Offenses running 4 and 5-Wide Receiver sets. Assuming no one is traded, the Eagles are going into the season with Asomugha and Asante – the NFL’s best cover corner and best ballhawking corner – as the starters, with Pro Bowler Rodgers-Cromartie and borederline-starter Joselio Hanson as the nickle and dime corners. Wow.

Two days in a row of praising Andy Reid is painful… but you can’t deny that he is going all out for this season. And we love it!

We’ve been screaming for the Birds to go all in for a Super Bowl run every offseason since 2004 (the last time they truly went for it). Well, they finally answered the call.

Fire The Walrus? Not today(***).

(***)But we’ll see what happens come gamedays.

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: We’re Still Here… And So is Kolb (For Now)

March 31, 2011

Aaaaaaaaaaand we’re back!

Yes, I know, it looked as if we dropped off the face of Andy Reid’s belt buckle, but fear not faithful Fire The Walrus Nation (all two of you)… we are alive and well(*).

(*)Full disclosure: the recent hiatus can be blamed in part to a busy work schedule (yes, real work), a lapse in anything Eagles-related actually happening and a closet basketball obsession. Oh, not to mention this whole messy lockout business.

But lockout be damned, the anti-Andy Reid movement must continue onward.

And speaking of moving on…. Let’s talk about Kevin Kolb for a moment.

There were more than a few rumblings last week that the Eagles have already had discussions with teams – primarily those that preside in the UFL NFC West – about Kolb’s availability (as if that was in question), even going so far as to suggest that Andy Reid has a deal in place for a first round pick.

That sound you heard was Kevin Kolb’s trade value crashing through the NovaCare Complex floor.

Didn’t the Eagles learn anything from last year’s Quarterback Trade Quagmire? Every team in the league knew the birds wanted to trade Vick last offseason, which subsequently killed any value he had. They demanded a second-round pick and no one was willing to give them a third, leaving the team stuck with Vick – though fortunately so. Well what happens if they can’t get more than a second rounder for Kolb (which seemed to be the general consensus a few months ago)?

Apparently things have changed, as reported earlier today that the Eagles won’t have a problem getting a first round pick – the problem is the money Kolb is looking for… something on par with Matt Schaub’s contract. And let’s not forget what the Falcons got for Schaub (coincidentally, Vick’s backup at the time): they flipped first round picks with the Texans and received two second round picks.

Most likely due to this year’s lackluster Quarterback draft class, I guess teams are desperate enough for a QB that a first round pick isn’t a deal breaker. And why not take a flier on a guy that could be the next Aaron Rogers.

As it stands now though, with no new CBA, Kolb cannot be moved… leaving the Eagles with two options:

  • Trade Kolb for a 2012 draft pick
  • Keep Kolb as a back-up

If the team does trade him for a pick next year, Mike Kafka becomes the default backup to Mike Vick… unless the Eagles sign a veteran back-up. And who could they get, you might ask? Well 97.5 The Fanatic’s Mike Missanelli floated the possibility of bringing back one Donovon McNabb… as a back-up… to Michael Vick.

I’d say the chances of that happening are as good as me becoming a Cowboys fan. Besides, with the news today of (yet another) Chad Pennington season-ending surgery, some team will be dumb enough willing to bring McNabb in for a look.

If the team keeps Kolb as Vick’s back-up, it will play out in one of two ways:

  • He stays for the year then walks away in Free Agency leaving the Eagles with nothing to show from first four rounds of the 2007 draft.
  • He stays for the year, the Eagles let Vick walk next offseason, and Kolb is (once again) named the teams’ starter.

Would Kolb be willing to wait another year for his shot at starting in midnight green? Would Eagles fans put up with another coronation of Kolb as starter?

The bottom line is that the Eagles HAVE to trade Kolb now, even if the result is a future draft pick. It’s amazing… the team gave away a first round pick to get him, now they need to get one back to reverse the damage. Kevin Kolb – the gift that keeps on giving!

Just another reason to Fire The Walrus.

It’s good to be back!


March 11, 2011

My apologies for being MIA the past week or so. But fear not faithful readers (if you’re still out there) Fire The Walrus is still here.

The NFL – and officially the NFLPA – however, are not.

And it’s quite unfortunate because it seems like the players passed on a good deal.

Follow the extensive coverage over at

Much more to come.