NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: The Walrus Migrates To Landlocked Kansas City, BBQ Restaurants Rejoice

While Fire The Walrus will continue to exist as an Eagles “watchdog” site(*), we feel like we must comment on the news today, as our not-so-dearly departed Walrus has surfaced in Kansas City, where he’ll now preside over the perennially putrid Chiefs.

(*)And currently, we’re watching this clusterfuck of a Head Coaching search by the team’s “brain” trust. More on that to come shortly.

And we rejoice!

While we fear that Andy will eventually go on to win a Super Bowl somewhere else(**), we’re pretty sure this move sets those fears back at least a few years. The Chiefs are bad. Particularly on Offense.

(**)Which is clearly our destiny as Philly sports fans…

The Walrus takes over a team that doesn’t really have a Quarterback – though we assume his QB-coaching abilities could possibly revive Matt Cassel’s career… Not so much for Brady Quinn though. The Chiefs have absolutely NO receivers beyond Dwayne Bowe, who is expected to leave this offseason, but they do feature a really good Running Back, who will now waste away with only 10 carries a game… Sucks to be you, Jamaal Charles!

Meanwhile, we saw a comment from a Chiefs fan that made us absolutely die with laughter: “Now Andy, you have to add a POWER running game with a 240 lb. Running Back to your arsenal. You do that and you’ll finally bring the Chiefs a championship!” Good luck with that Chief fans… Welcome to our world for the past 14 years!

And while Andy inherits a half-decent Defense with a nice young core – Tamba Hali, Derrick Johnson, Brandon Flowers – he still needs to hire a Defensive Coordinator. By our count, he’s 1-for-4 in that task over his career.

Coincidentally, Andy does now possesses the #1 overall pick in this April’s draft. Assuming he doesn’t trade it away in order to pick twice in the second round(***), Chiefs fans will most definitely get to enjoy Matt Barkley or Geno Smith for the next few seasons… until they inevitably flame out. So, good luck with that!

(***)The Andy Reid Special!

Don’t get us wrong, we fully expect Andy to transform KC – the second-losingest franchise in football over the last seven years – into a legitimate team and possibly a playoff team sooner rather than later. They do, after all, preside in the worst division in the NFL, and with very little Offensive talent, Reid has the ability to completely build the team the way he wants.

But until he finds a real Defensive counterpart and a franchise Quarterback, he’s a 9-7 coach, at best. We know that all too well.

So, have fun Chiefs fans… You’re likely thrilled to have your first coach with an actual pedigree since Dick Vermeil. But much like Vermeil, and Marty Schottenheimer before him, a name coach doesn’t guarantee playoff success.

Hey… At least he’s not Romeo Crennel!

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