Depression, Thy Name Is Eagles Fan

December 3, 2012

We were rather calm while watching that game last night. As we pontificated last week… What’s the point anymore? Why get to borderline heart attack levels and lose our voice every week, when the actual team playing the games doesn’t seem to care remotely as much?

But in all honesty… We’re depressed. And you probably are too. An eight game losing streak will do that to you.

Even worse is losing to the Cowboys. Twice. In four weeks.

We’ve always said, since the time before we were jaded and cynical(*), that the Eagles could go winless all season, as long as they beat the Cowboys. Well, the Eagles are three plays away from being winless, and lost to the Cowgirls TWICE!

(*)Yeah right! That was never a thing…

The worst part about that is: The Cowgirls are freaking terrible! Obviously not as terrible as our heroes team pathetic excuse for football players in midnight green, but terrible nonetheless. They are bad. They are not a playoff team – even if they’re not yet mathematically out of it yet – and they are certainly not a Super Bowl contender.

Last night, a non-football fan who was watching the game with us, asked if Tony Romo was good. How do you answer that?! The question came moments after Romo broke Troy Aikman’s All-Time Cowgirl concussion touchdown pass record. We really didn’t know how to answer. Sure, he’s got the numbers, but they’re more a product of longevity and the fact that the Cowgirls used to feature workhorse backs like Emmitt Smith, Tony Dorsett and Herschel Walker. It took Aikman 12 years to rack up 165 TDs, while Romo didn’t even need 9 full seasons. Credit that to a pass-happy NFL and a Cowboys Offense that hasn’t had a “great” Running Back during Romo’s tenure(*).

(**)We mentioned on Twitter last night that Cris Collinsworth referred to DeMarco Murray as a great Running Back… And we still can’t figure out if Collinsworth caught a bad case of the Grudens or if he’s just completely full of shit. Or both. Murray’s the best RB Romo’s had, but he’s not even one of the best RBs in the NFC.

So, Romo has the numbers, sure… But he’s only taken his team to the playoffs three times, winning just one playoff game and hasn’t been there since 2009. He’s a perpetual underachiever. And it’s not like he hasn’t had the weapons around him.

A month ago, when the Cowboys were here, someone we were at the game with noted that Romo was the Cowboys’ Donovan McNabb… And we thought that was the GREATEST comparison ever made! But when you really look at it, it’s an insult to Donny Drama. Romo is bad. And is half the leader McNabb ever was(***). But hey, at least T.O. had Romo’s back!

(***)Which is scary… For Cowgirls fans.

The only reason people even consider Romo to be a star is because he plays Quarterback for No-Longer-America’s Team… Arguably the highest profile position in sports. Hell, remember when people thought Quincy Carter was a star?! Good times!

But back to the team that matters… Losing to a shit Cowboys team hurts. A lot. Every lose hurts. And eight straight is downright painful.

It looked as if we were finally gonna get the walrus monkey off our backs last night, but then the Birds’ Defense remembered who they were. We’ll never forgive Blaine Bishop for his atrocities in the 2002 NFC Championship Game, but Kurt Coleman and Nate Allen have officially surpassed him as our most hated Eagles defender(s) ever(****)(*****).

(****)Yes, even more-so than Izell Jenkins, Mike Mamula, Levon Kirkland, Jason Babin and Nnamdi Toastmugha. 

(*****)Freddie Mitchell will always and forever hold the title of most hated Eagle EVER.

This season is excruciating. We hate every second of it, yet we can’t stop watching and caring and, simply, just want a fucking win. It’s just the way we’re wired. There’s no bone in our bodies that could get us to root against our favorite team or turn off the TV. It’s just not possible. The Eagles are our heroin… We’re addicts for life, no matter how many times we claim we’re going to rehab.

Welcome to our depression. At least we know we’re not alone.


The Day After: No Silver Linings In Andy’s Playbook

December 3, 2012

As one of the most loyal fan bases in all of sports, we deserve better. This is bullshit.

Eight straight games, eight straight losses… Unless you were alive in 1968, we’re in uncharted territory. Is this the worst Eagles team of our lifetime? The answer is now, simply, a definite yes.

We’ve run out of adjectives to describe how awful this Defense is, but they have solidified themselves as the worst in team history and are quickly approaching a level of all-time NFL awfulness. You’ve likely seen the stats: In the six games since Todd Bowles replaced Juan Castillo, the D has given up 16 touchdowns, 0 interceptions, only 36 incompletions(*) for a 76.3% completion percentage and a QB rating of 120 or higher every week.

(*)That might be the most ridiculous stat of all… 36 incompletions in 6 weeks?! Eagles QBs AVERAGE 36 incompletions a week under The Walrus! 

We were the city of Bednarik and Bergey, Reggie and Jerome, Trot and Dawk. We were once the city that boasted  “The Minister of Defense.” Now we just have the “Misery of Defense.”

We have two Safeties who couldn’t defend pop warner players, let alone “Pop” Warner’s actual corpse; the single-most overpaid player in professional sports (Toastmugha); a pass rush that showed up for a quarter and then disappeared back into obscurity… Ironically enough, the Linebackers have become the only redeemable part of the Defense. What a fucking disgrace.

At least, as we correctly predicted less than a week ago, the Eagles finally shitcanned Jim Washburn and his idiotic “Wide-Gaping-Hole-9” scheme. It’s hard to understand why Andy is slowly dismantling this team piece-by-piece – with the same sense of urgency he shows at the end of a winnable Super Bowl – but we’re thrilled to be right about something. It doesn’t happen often.

Meanwhile, the talk today is going to be all about the breakout performances of Napoleon Dynamite Foles and Bryce Brown. While we’re thrilled to have two competent rookies, and a glimmer of hope at the QB position, let’s not get carried away. Brown looks tremendous, but his fumbling issue (three in two weeks) is a major red flag and he was gashing a Defense missing it’s All-Pro Nose Tackle and two better-than-average Inside Linebackers. We really like him and think he’s a great compliment to Shady, but everyone’s getting a little carried away. Remember, we’ve seen young guys string together back-to-back masterpieces before(**) and then fall off the face of the Earth. It’s a small sample size, let’s see him continue to do it on a regular basis.

(**)Looking at you, Bobby Hoying.

As for Foles, we were impressed with what we saw, but not enough to deem him the “next franchise QB.” He was poised, had nice footwork and timing and made some spectacular throws, but also made some awful rookie mistakes and passes that were simply Donovan-esque. Can he play Quarterback at the NFL level? Sure. Does that mean this team should be his in 2013? Not even close.

The larger question remains: Is Foles good or are his accomplishments magnified because everything around him is so bad? Again, small sample size. We need to see more.

A few other things:

  • Andy Reid’s scripts the first Offensive 15 plays each week, right? Well every single game this season – and likely going back even further(***) – the Eagles Offense has executed the following sequence of plays to begin each game: Pass, Run, Pass. 11 times out of 13 now, that sequence has resulted in a sack, run for no gain, incomplete pass; yet Andy keeps sticking with it! Is this a product of his stubbornness, that it worked one time, so why not stick with it? Is he just THAT lazy, that he doesn’t even bother changing the script week-to-week? Does he simply lack any semblance of creativity? All of the above?  (***)We honestly, don’t even feel like looking it up…Of course last night, as those first three plays were unfolding the way they do every week… Foles COMPLETED a third down pass! Maybe a blind, retarded squirrel can find a nut!
  • Jeremy Maclin: Not a number one Wide Receiver. Sure, without DeSean, he’s getting the lion’s share of attention from the opposing secondary… but so does EVERY number one wideout on EVERY team. Maclin, like everyone else on this team, is mediocre.
  • Damaris Johnson shouldn’t receive mail, let alone punts. Look, the rookie FINALLY ran a punt back beyond five yards – a 98-yard Touchdown return to be exact! – but he had no business touching that ball. It just goes to show how bad this coaching staff is, that a return man is going anywhere near a punt inside the 10-yard line. Meanwhile, his return was a slap in the face to us as fans – he finally broke one, but in a meaningless, garbage-time situation – and Vai Sikahema, the Eagles former record holder for longest punt return.Vai had this to say about his record being broken (via his Twitter account): “My 20 yr old record for longest PR in Eagles history just broken in garbage time. Thanks a lot.”

    Petty? Perhaps. But we loved it the same way we loved Vai boxing the Giants’ goalpost!

  • Why does the national media still feel the need to kiss The Walrus’ extraordinarily bulbous ass? Seriously, we get it, he was a good coach once. Get over it. Al Michaels was SLOBBERING on Andy.

    National pundits thinks we’re terrible people who don’t appreciate how “good” we have it… Apparently they haven’t been watching the same thing we have for the last 14 years. It’s inexcusable anymore. He hasn’ t done shit in five years. He’s never won a Super Bowl. He’s worn out his welcome. If they love him so much, they can have him.

  • Speaking of which, a “report” came out yesterday claiming that Andy will very well be the next coach of the Cowboys. If true, this would either be the best thing to ever happen to us, or the worst. With no in between.

And with that, the Eagles are officially past the point of being an 8-8 team. Jeffrey Lurie better keep his promise.

Fire The Walrus. More to come.


Just Say No To Chucky

November 28, 2012

While we work on the third post in our “2012 Eagles Magical Mystery Coaching Tour” series(*), we want to take a second to address a growing concern of ours.

(*)And we apologize for the delay. Between the holidays, work schedules and apathy, we’ve fallen behind.

We’ve already discussed why we don’t want Jon Gruden to be the next Head Coach of the Eagles, but we can’t seem to understand why there is still a large contingency of fans who strongly desire the Monday Night Football brown-noser color analyst.

Sure, Chucky won a Super Bowl in Tampa Bay… But with Tony Dungy’s team. Sure, he inherited a bad Raiders team and took them to back-to-back AFC Championship games and was one Tuck Rule away from a Super Bowl appearance… But he didn’t actually build the team.

Jon Gruden is a mercenary. He’s a fixer, much like Winston Wolf. He takes teams that are on the precipice of great things and pushes them over the top.

We were all for Gruden two or three years ago, when it appeared the Eagles were one move away from being truly elite and just needed something – specifically, a change at Head Coach – to get them over the hump, but those days are long gone. This franchise needs a complete makeover from coaching to players to philosophy… And that’s not what Gruden does.

When he arrived in Oakland in 1998, he found a team in transition: an aging Offense, Quarterbacked by the eternal Jeff George and flanked by Raider mainstays WR Tim Brown and RB Napoleon Kaufman; and a young, up-and-coming Defense being built around stud rookie CB Charles Woodson and a young Defensive Line. Flash forward three seasons to 2001 and the only major changes to the team were 36-year old QB Rich Gannon(**), 39-year old way-past-his-prime Jerry Rice, aging RBs in Charlie Garner and Tyrone Wheatley and a Defense that was only getting older and had no significant fresh blood. The only major addition was Chucky’s Offensive scheme… Which, by the way, is nearly identical to Andy Reid’s.

(**)Who inexplicably went from journeyman back-up to All-Pro and even won the MVP in 2002 (the year Gruden wasn’t his coach, by the way).

That Raiders team eventually made it to the Super Bowl the year Gruden left, and ironically got blasted by the Buccaneers’ team Gruden took over. They are still known as one of the worst Super Bowl teams in history(***). The point is: those Raiders teams half over-achieved and half benefited from playing in an absolutely dismal conference.

(***)And here’s where we get angry and depressed… That was OUR Super Bowl. That was the one that Andy and Donovan were destined to win, especially when they were up 7-0 in the NFC Championship Game against the Bucs (also known as the last game Eagles in Veterans Stadium history). But then Joe Jurevicius happened. We’ll never forgive you, Levon Kirkland… The 2002 Eagles would have absolutely murdered that Raiders team.

So, while Gruden may have a track record for making teams better than they are, his particular set of skills(****) only apply to teams headed in the right direction. This franchise is not one of those teams.

(****)Copyright, Liam Neeson.

We’re not saying he’s a bad coach… Far from it actually. He’s correctly considered an Offensive guru. And there’s a reason he’s been successful in the past and will be in such high demand when he does throw his hat back into the coaching ring. He’s just not the right fit for this team.

Hopefully Eagles fans – especially the one wearing the Chucky mask at Monday night’s game – will come to realize that.

One quick note…
We will be interviewed tonight at 8:30 p.m. EST on Beyond The Field, part of the Tailgate Radio Network. Listen live! We’ll post a link to the show when it’s up.


NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Eagles Sack Babin!

November 27, 2012

Merry early-Christmas, Eagles fans!

Mere hours after we lambasted Andy for not making a single change or holding any of his players accountable for being lethargic, overpaid crybabies, the Eagles announced that they have released two-time Pro Bowl Defensive End and all-around piece of shit, Jason Babin!

This comes less than a year after Babin threatened Reggie White’s Eagles single-season sack record and less than a month after Babin took offense to fans taking offense to his play. Babin, much like every other member of the team’s Defense not named DeMeco Ryans, has been atrocious all season, so this really doesn’t come as a surprise.

We can’t stress enough how much disdain we have for “Bro Douché” Babin. We were furious last year when he was mentioned in the same breath as Reggie and we wished him bodily harm when he called out fans this year. He is completely useless against the run and fell off so badly as a pass rushing force that team’s stopped double-teaming him.

Babin epitomized everything that is awful and wrong with this current Eagles team, so to watch him leave in such spectacular fashion is a pleasure(*)! Meanwhile, Babin’s departure opens the door for rookie end Vinny Curry, who looked really good last night in his first playing time of the season.

(*)Man, being this excited over a player getting cut is a testament to just how awful this Eagles team truly is…

So, is this Andy’s last ditch effort at appearing to be a leader? Perhaps. Is this just the first domino to drop, in what will surely be a complete roster and coaching staff overhaul? You bet!

Now that his biggest cheerleader and the poster boy for his idiotic scheme is finally gone, it looks like Defensive Line Coach Jim Washburn’s time in Philly is also over. Thank Buddy! May we never have to talk about the Wide-9 ever again!

And all of a sudden, some of the anger we felt earlier today has begun to subside. Slightly.


We’re Mad As Hell And We’re Not Gonna Take It Anymore

November 27, 2012

Our anger from last night has not subsided. In fact, it has only gotten worse.

We’re not really sure why last night’s game seemingly put us over the edge, but it did. You would think losing to the Cowboys or Redskins in such pathetic fashion would incite an undying rage, but for some reason, losing to a franchise that is completely meaningless seems more infuriating.

Maybe it’s the fact that the Panthers were 2-8 going into last night. Maybe it’s the fact that the Eagles seemingly took control of the game after allowing two blatantly undefended touchdowns, only to let it slip away moments later. Maybe it’s due to the wasted efforts of rookie Running Back Bryce Brown(*). Maybe we’re simply mad at ourselves for still caring so much, even though we want them to lose in order to get the coach fired and secure a high draft pick.

(*)For a team that has a complete lack of talent and an even worse approach to evaluating talent, they sure do have some good RBs. Why on Earth though did it take losing Shady for Andy to start running the ball? How does this make even one iota of sense?

Or maybe it has to do with the fact that this team has now lost seven straight…

Yep, there it is. SEVEN STRAIGHT LOSES. SEVEN (7)! This is insanity! Did you know – and by now, you probably do – that the Phillies have won more games than the Eagles since September? This is beyond disgraceful and embarrassing. This is a new low for Philadelphia sports. And we’ve seen our fair share of lowlights.

The players can say they’re mad – as Cullen Jenkins claims to be(**) – or sick over the whole thing (Celek)… but we’re going to call bullshit on that. If they’re so angry and so sick of losing, they’d fucking do something about it! Did you see Jenkins do anything to change the course of that game? Is he yelling at guys on the sideline and being the vocal leader he’s supposed to be? No! There are no leaders on this team. There is no one attempting to pull this squad out of the doldrums. There is NO heart.

(**)And really, how mad can a guy that repeatedly uses the word “golly” be?

And of course, there’s The Walrus. For a guy facing the chopping block, he really doesn’t seem to give a shit if his players play hard or not. No one has been benched, no changes have been made, no player on this team has been held accountable for their lack of effort. Forget the players quitting on their coach… The coach quit has on them. For all the times that bloated mammal has said the words “I need to do a better job,” has he ever actually made an attempt to do so? Does anyone see a difference in the way this team is being run now, then it was a month ago? A year ago?

We always knew Andy was inept at making in-game adjustments, but not changing one thing about this joke of a team is reason enough to kick his fat ass to the Pattison Avenue curb. We get that Jeffrey Lurie has no balls and “respects” Andy too much to fire him midseason… But come on! How much longer does this charade need to go on? Do we really need to watch this team lose 12 straight games before The Billionaire grows a pair and axes this guy? Does he have zero dignity?

How much more proof does Lurie need? Do the players need to just walk off the field mid-play? Does Andy literally have to drop his pants and take a 2012 Eagles on the field? Seriously, what needs to happen for Andy to lose his job?! This is sickening anymore.

So what can be done about it?

Besides one or two, we’ve been to every single game the Eagles have ever played in the Linc… And last night was by far the emptiest we’ve ever seen it! We’ve never even seen preseason games with such few people in the stands. Hell, we could almost fully see the Eagle in the upperdeck seats across from us! Here’s a picture we took five minutes before kickoff, when the stadium is typically at least 2/3 full:

The amount of no-shows were staggering. So at least that’s a start. But either way, Lurie’s getting his money, so it’s a moot point.

And here’s the thing… As season ticket holders, it would be hypocritical of us to tell people to stop giving Jeffrey Lurie money(***), and we’re not organized enough to put together a protest. But something must be done. We need to show the schmucks that run this franchise that we’re pissed off and won’t stand for this putrid display of football anymore.

(***)Though we have stopped spending money at the Linc and would NEVER buy merchandise from an official Eagles store/outlet.

So we’re turning the floor over to you, Fire The Walrus Nation…. What can we do collectively as fans to stick it to The Billionaire and show him that he MUST fire Andy? Let us know your thoughts in the comments.

In the meantime, we’re going to consume high quantities of Advil and try hard to repress the urge to go to the zoo and punch a walrus in the face. More to come.


The Day(ish) After: Why?

November 27, 2012

Why? Why do we care so much?

Why do we continue to go when we know what the outcome will be? Why do we scream and yell and cheer and lose our voice every single week? Why do we leave the stadium mad and despondent, disappointed and depressed? Why do we feel the need to kick trash cans and act like petulant children who haven’t gotten their way? Why do we take it so personally?

Why are we up at nearly 1 a.m. watching replays of Eagles Post Game Live and cursing at our TV? Why do we feel like this team is just taking years off of lives? Why are we such masochists?

Why are the Eagles so bad? And more importantly… Why are Nnamdi Toastmugha and Kurt Coleman STILL playing together on the same side of the field?! Why is Nate Allen always out of position and why is Jason Babin still in midnight green? Why does Brent Celek feel the need to celebrate EVERY SINGLE CATCH? Why is Desean Jackson so fragile and why is a kicker the team’s MVP? Why is the Wide-9 still a thing?! Why would they run the same direct snap to Bryce Brown FIVE times in one game? WHY CAN’T PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL PLAYERS TACKLE?!!!?!

Why do the Eagles take one step forward and eight steps back? For every big play they make, they give up three more. Why?

Why can’t this team win a fucking game?

Why do Bobby April, Marty Mornhinweg, Jim Washburn and – of course – Andy Reid still have jobs?

The other day, a friend asked if we were going to the game tonight. We said of course. His response… “Why?!” We honestly don’t know anymore.

The basement of the NFC is cold and lonely.


Are You Ready For Some Ineptitude?

November 26, 2012

Ready?!
C’mon and get ready…
Are you ready for some ineptitude?
It’s a Monday night slopfest!
The whole house is laughin’, let’s get the debacle started.
Head to the Linc, boo the coach, that’s right,
The Walrus’ last place friends are here on Monday night!

Yes Fire The Walrus Nation, that’s right… It’s Monday! Hope you had a wonderful, Walrus-free Thanksgiving holiday! We’re positive that your front yard turkey day game with friends and family(*) featured better coaching and execution than Andy’s team – and we all know that your 7-year old niece tackles better than Kurt Coleman – but it’s time to get back to ugly, painful Eagles football.

(*)Does your uncle insist on playing steady QB too?

Can the Birds halt their six-game nosedive into patheticness? Will the Eagles rollover for the Panthers in order to secure a top-five draft pick? Is the Defense capable of stopping a Quarterback who’s been the league’s biggest disappointment in 2012? Probably not, hopefully and doubtful.

While we search for hand warmers and prepare our “Fire Andy” chants for tonight’s game, we direct your attention to two articles on CSNPhilly.com that deserve your attention. The first comes from the Godfather of football writers, Ray Didinger, who takes Andy Reid to task for considering using Michael Vick again this season and charges Jeffrey Lurie with holding Reid accountable for the inevitable mistake that will be. Classic R-Diddy!

The second piece, is much more damning. Reuben Frank details some eye-opening statistics proving that the Eagles Secondary may go down as one of the worst ever… Not just in team history, but in the history of the entire NFL! The impetus behind Frank’s piece came from our good old aforementioned friend, Kurt Coleman, who LITERALLY made the following statement to people holding recording devices: “It’s frustrating, because we have what I feel is the best back end group in the National Football League.” Ladies and gentleman, Louis C.K. Kurt Coleman!

Here’s a small sampling of Frank’s brilliant retort to joke-maker/insane-person Coleman:

If that’s the case, the best secondary in the NFL has allowed 13 touchdown passes while intercepting just one pass during the Eagles’ current six-game losing streak.

If that’s the case, the best secondary in the NFL is the first in NFL history to allow four straight quarterbacks to complete 70 percent of their passes and throw for two or more touchdowns without being intercepted once.

If that’s the case, the best secondary in the NFL is now the first in 28 years to yield a passer rating of 120 or higher … four times in a row.

Good times!

Also, former-Eagles/fan favorite Hugh Douglas announced today that the team has officially quit on Andy! Sure, it’s not news, but it’s always nice to have our analysis confirmed by people who actually know things. So, there’s that.

C’mon and get ready… Reid! Rivera! It’s Monday Night Football Shitty Coaching on ESPN! Let the battle for worst team in the NFC begin!


NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Andy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Appearance

November 22, 2012

You gotta give Andy Reid credit…

Even in his embattled state, he still came out to lead a float in 6ABC’s Corporate Sponsored-Thanksgiving Day Parade:

Andy Reid Leads Parade Float

Let’s all hope he falls into a Tryptophan coma and can’t coach on Monday Night!

Happy Thanksgiving!


Giving Thanks

November 21, 2012

On the eve of everyone’s – especially Andy Reid’s – favorite gluttonous holiday, Thanksgiving, we just want to take a moment to tell you what we’re thankful for.

First and foremost, we here at Fire The Walrus are extremely thankful for the 2012 Philadelphia Eagles. Sure, this is by far one of the worst seasons we’ve ever had to endure as lifelong diehards and season ticket holders(*), and appears to only be getting worse. But when you run a website dedicated to the demise of a team’s coach, it certainly helps when said team is atrocious.

(*)It’s battling 1994 for the number two spot right now. 1998 is without a doubt the worst Eagles season we’ve been alive for… But at least their three wins came at home! If this year’s vintage fails to win another home game, they will go down as the worst Eagles team ever.

Would we trade the success of this site for a playoff team? In a heartbeat! But you play the hand you’re dealt, and we were dealt a pretty decent hand for the Anti-Andy business.

So, while we have nothing but hatred for the 2012 Eagles… we also need to show our love! Could this season get any weirder?

Next, we’d like to give thanks for Jeffrey Lurie. The short-sighted, tightwad has proven yet again that he has absolutely no idea how to run a professional sports franchise. While we’ll always love the fact that he let’s his football people do the football things, he hasn’t employed an actual football person since the days of Tom Modrak. And while we have to put up with his penchant for nerdy, under-qualified GMs-Who-Have-No-Business-Being-GMs, the extension he gave to Howie Roseman provided us with reason to continue Fire The Walrus long after Andy is belly-up in the water.

And of course, how could we not give thanks to The Walrus himself, Andy Reid. Andy, Andy, Andy. You fired Juan, you forgot that Offensive Line is a position in the NFL, you stuck with Vick and you ate… A lot! What can we say that we haven’t said before? We love to hate you, and you make our job as easy as running or throwing on the Eagles Defense! Your stubbornness, stupidity and crumb-filled whiskers never cease to amaze us. Thanks for being you and not “coping-out.” We can’t wait to celebrate New Year’s Eve by kissing your pinkslip at midnight(**)! The Mayans were right: 2012 is the end… For overweight, Walrus-like coaches(***)!

(**)Admittedly, that sounds dirty.

(***)See also: Crennel, Romeo.

Last but not least, the thing we are most thankful for is… you, Fire The Walrus Nation. Without you spreading the good word about FTW and similarly being fed up with the coaching styles of The Walrus, we wouldn’t be here. Keep sharing the site and tell all of your loved ones tomorrow that your thankful for Fire The Walrus while you’re sitting around the dining room table, shoveling candied yams and mashed potatoes down your throat like you’re Andy Reid at a Boston Market.

Extra special thanks to Case Paper – we see you over there, giggling – and Zach Baron of Grantland.com. As a reader of Fire The Walrus, you probably know that we are avid fans, quoters and promoters of Grantland – particularly one Bill Barnwell. Well, in his review of the Eagles movie/love story The Silver Linings Playbook(****) that posted today, hometown favorite Zach Baron gave us a nice little shout-out! We are forever indebted to you sir, and especially the friend who texted you at 7:41 a.m. about us. And thanks to everyone who came by today, by way of Zach’s post!

(****)Which, by all accounts, is one of the best movies of the year and a phenomenal movie about Philadelphia. We have yet to see it, but we have it on good authority that everyone in the Delaware Valley should see it immediately. 

Have a wonderful and safe Thanksgiving holiday, everyone!

(Now back to our regularly scheduled anger and hatred!)


An Open Letter To The Walrus (With Regards To Today’s Press Conference)

November 19, 2012

Dear Andy Reid:

Stop! Seriously, just stop… Stop coaching, stop feeding us your patented press conference bullshit, stop eating. Just stop.

You said in your Monday morning press conference that you think this is “fixable.” Really?! You really believe that this season is fixable after a six-game losing streak? You really think that the worst Defense in the league is fixable? Let’s not forget you already attempted to “remedy” that situation… And Juan’s STILL laughing at you!

Sorry Andy, but this is fixable the same way your arteries are fixable… It’s hopeless. There’s no amount of Lipitor that can course correct this sorry excuse for a broken season.

When asked if you would step down, you stated that your “not wired that way,” which is fine. We totally get that you won’t simply walk away when the going gets tough. You’re a man of integrity and you stick to your guns. Besides, you’d be leaving $5 million on the table if you left on your own accord and we all know how you feel about leaving things on the table. $5 million buys A LOT of ham sandwiches… so, we understand your incessant impulse to stay.

And realistically… We don’t want you to step down gracefully – as if you were capable of grace. We want to watch the door hit your huge bulbous ass on the way out of the NovaCare complex. We want to see you get the pinkslip you so desperately deserve. Stepping down WOULD be a “copout.” It would deprive a city of the excitement it so badly needs. Because that’s all we have left to look forward to, Andy… Your ouster. We can’t wait! We have a countdown clock and everything!

We do want to address one thing though: your reasoning for not walking away is that you can’t ask players to quit, so why would you do it. That shit is flimsy at best and you know it. Let’s be honest, Andy… This team quit on you last year in Seattle and never came back. Sure, they went on to win their last four games, but that can be attributed to guys wanting to keep their jobs. Not yours. If they loved you so much they would have dedicated this season to the memory of Garrett Reid and played their asses off for you… There are no asses laying around.

As for your nonsense about trying to come back in the game yesterday… Well… We really don’t know what to say about that. That was one of the more idiotic things to ever escape from that whiskered foodhole of yours. Sure, if Shady doesn’t get concussed, nobody would be harping on this, but he did, so we are. Walrus-up and own the mistake you made instead of lying through your tusks about it. Believe us when we say, you’ve been wrong before… No matter how much you believe that isn’t true.

We do, however, owe you a debt of gratitude. Because of your insane levels of ineptitude and egregious use of Shady, Fire The Walrus had its second biggest day ever! We blew up like we were having an early Black Friday sale! So there’s that. Thanks!

We fully realize that you will immediately get the job of your choosing once you leave here, and if for some reason you go on to win a Super Bowl, we won’t be surprised – we’re Philly sports fans… That’s what happens. But guess what? In this particular case, we’re okay with that. We’ll be happy for you… Assuming you don’t go to Dallas.

The last 14 years have been fun hell a thing that happened, but the time has come, Andy. We respect the fact that you took this team from 3-13 to a perennial contender to the Super Bowl – and now full circle back to (potentially) 3-13 – and we agree that you will go down as one of the greatest Eagles coaches of all time. But that’s not really saying a lot. Hell, we still idolize Buddy Ryan, and he won ONE playoff game EVER!

So, to borrow your famous line: Time’s yours… to get the fuck out of Philadelphia.

Signed, Philadelphia Eagles Fans

P.S. Thanks for never bringing home a Lombardi… You’d make for an uglier statue than that weird bronze anteater in Fairmount Park!