An Open Letter To The Walrus (With Regards To Today’s Press Conference)

Dear Andy Reid:

Stop! Seriously, just stop… Stop coaching, stop feeding us your patented press conference bullshit, stop eating. Just stop.

You said in your Monday morning press conference that you think this is “fixable.” Really?! You really believe that this season is fixable after a six-game losing streak? You really think that the worst Defense in the league is fixable? Let’s not forget you already attempted to “remedy” that situation… And Juan’s STILL laughing at you!

Sorry Andy, but this is fixable the same way your arteries are fixable… It’s hopeless. There’s no amount of Lipitor that can course correct this sorry excuse for a broken season.

When asked if you would step down, you stated that your “not wired that way,” which is fine. We totally get that you won’t simply walk away when the going gets tough. You’re a man of integrity and you stick to your guns. Besides, you’d be leaving $5 million on the table if you left on your own accord and we all know how you feel about leaving things on the table. $5 million buys A LOT of ham sandwiches… so, we understand your incessant impulse to stay.

And realistically… We don’t want you to step down gracefully – as if you were capable of grace. We want to watch the door hit your huge bulbous ass on the way out of the NovaCare complex. We want to see you get the pinkslip you so desperately deserve. Stepping down WOULD be a “copout.” It would deprive a city of the excitement it so badly needs. Because that’s all we have left to look forward to, Andy… Your ouster. We can’t wait! We have a countdown clock and everything!

We do want to address one thing though: your reasoning for not walking away is that you can’t ask players to quit, so why would you do it. That shit is flimsy at best and you know it. Let’s be honest, Andy… This team quit on you last year in Seattle and never came back. Sure, they went on to win their last four games, but that can be attributed to guys wanting to keep their jobs. Not yours. If they loved you so much they would have dedicated this season to the memory of Garrett Reid and played their asses off for you… There are no asses laying around.

As for your nonsense about trying to come back in the game yesterday… Well… We really don’t know what to say about that. That was one of the more idiotic things to ever escape from that whiskered foodhole of yours. Sure, if Shady doesn’t get concussed, nobody would be harping on this, but he did, so we are. Walrus-up and own the mistake you made instead of lying through your tusks about it. Believe us when we say, you’ve been wrong before… No matter how much you believe that isn’t true.

We do, however, owe you a debt of gratitude. Because of your insane levels of ineptitude and egregious use of Shady, Fire The Walrus had its second biggest day ever! We blew up like we were having an early Black Friday sale! So there’s that. Thanks!

We fully realize that you will immediately get the job of your choosing once you leave here, and if for some reason you go on to win a Super Bowl, we won’t be surprised – we’re Philly sports fans… That’s what happens. But guess what? In this particular case, we’re okay with that. We’ll be happy for you… Assuming you don’t go to Dallas.

The last 14 years have been fun hell a thing that happened, but the time has come, Andy. We respect the fact that you took this team from 3-13 to a perennial contender to the Super Bowl – and now full circle back to (potentially) 3-13 – and we agree that you will go down as one of the greatest Eagles coaches of all time. But that’s not really saying a lot. Hell, we still idolize Buddy Ryan, and he won ONE playoff game EVER!

So, to borrow your famous line: Time’s yours… to get the fuck out of Philadelphia.

Signed, Philadelphia Eagles Fans

P.S. Thanks for never bringing home a Lombardi… You’d make for an uglier statue than that weird bronze anteater in Fairmount Park!

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