Walrus Droppings: Let the Scorn Rain Down Upon Thee

October 11, 2011

Earlier today, we retweeted a link and posted it to Facebook, but it is certainly worth another shout-out… Pro Football Talk’s Gregg Rosenthal put together a great round-up of the wrath Andy Reid is incurring from local media members.

All the usual Philly.com suspects are included: Les Bowen, John Smallwood, Bob Ford, Jeff McLane… So, what does this all mean? Why do we care that PFT is listing a rundown of articles asking if Andy Reid’s time is up?  Because the horde of voices calling for The Walrus’s head is growing. Growing exponentially!

You can see it locally on Philly.com and CSN Philly – where both Rueben Frank and Ray Didinger are jumping into the fray – across the nation on ESPN and PFT, and all over Facebook and Twitter. It took mass free agent signings, media-made hype and a back-up Quarterback making the pronouncement of a “Dream Team,” but we’re finally here: The football world sees the truth behind the mustache!

Andy Reid is not a genius. Andy Reid is not a God. Andy Reid is not the only coach who ever lived(*). No… he’s an overmatched, underprepared human being marine mammal. And his reputation doesn’t water like it used to(**).

(*)And Andy Reid certainly didn’t conjure up the game of football in his head.

(**)Obvious stomach joke here.

Look, we’ll reiterate it once more, for all the new members of Fire The Walrus nation: For a time, Andy Reid was a good coach – we still believe Jim Johnson had more than a lot to do with his success – but no matter how you feel about Reid, he is, in fact, the most successful coach the Eagles franchise has ever had. But his reign peaked in 2004, and it’s been on a downward slope ever since.

Sure, the team made a miraculous run to the NFC Championship Game in 2008, but the NFC was garbage that year, and the one true skill Andy has as a leader – keeping his guys from quitting on him – probably saved them from a disastrous season. And guess what… none of those players are here anymore. With so many new names and faces on the roster, we’d find it hard to believe that any of the new additions will buckle down and go to war for Reid – particularly following such a terrible start.

McNabb and Dawkins and Trotter believed in the coach and the system, and that went a long way to their success on the field. But are guys like Jason Babin or Cullen Jenkins or Nnamdi Asomugha really encouraged by what they’ve seen so far? Can they possibly care enough about the system that they’ll kill themselves to please Reid? Not likely… especially when you consider that Babin and Jenkins are basically playing on one-year contracts. And don’t overlook the fact that none of those guys has taken the opportunity to become a vocal clubhouse leader.

So now, people – outside of Eagles fans – are starting to finally take notice(***). The spotlight has firmly been on Andy since he acquired Asomugha and all of his other big name-small impact offseason additions, and the light is starting to shine brighter. It’s no longer just bloggers and the voices of radio personalities, like Mike Missanelli. The anti-Andy Reid movement is gaining legs!

(***)Ironically, a similar thing is happening with our dear old friend Donny Drama. Eagles’ fans knew he’s been playing with a fork sticking out of his back since 2007. Why’d it take the rest of the world four years to catch up?

The time is growing near. We can feel it. It won’t be mid-season, but The Walrus will be fired.

At least there’s something to look forward to in Philly sports this winter…

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Posted by Chase Wexler

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Andy Waves The (Food-Stained) White Flag

October 11, 2011

According to ESPN’s Chris Morternsen, and via profootballtalk.com, Andy Reid is considering bringing in a Defensive Consultant during the bye week. Oh boy!

Now, whether that means Juan Castillo keeps his current job or not remains to be seen. Nor does it mean that the Defense will improve at all… it’s not like a consultant is bringing new Linebackers and Safeties with him. And who exactly Andy pegs to be said consultant doesn’t really matter – PFT floats the name of former Titans’ Defensive Coordinator Chuck Cecil as a possibility – because this is just another case of the Andy Reid-regime Eagles waiting until it’s already too late to admit they were wrong.

Buddy-forbid, Reid could have just gotten it right the first time and hired an ACTUAL Defensive Coordinator. But nooooooo… his extreme stubbornness and fat arrogance makes him think he’s the smartest mammal to ever put on a coach’s headset. Didn’t you know – Andy Reid INVENTED the game of football!

It’s truly sickening. Why must it come to this? Why must the Eagles’ coaching situation need to be a national story?

Yes, we jumped on the whole ‘all in’ bandwagon too(*), but in hindsight, how could we, the team or anyone else, think they were going all out for a Super Bowl WHEN THEY HIRED THEIR FREAKING OFFENSIVE LINE COACH TO COACH THE DEFENSE. It was a major red flag, and yet, here we are, five weeks into the season and the Eagles are just now realizing that maybe it wasn’t the best idea. You think guys?!

(*)You know we’ll always be the first to admit when we’re wrong.

The Defense only gives up the fifth most points in the league (ranked 27th overall in points allowed and 26th overall in points allowed per game – an abysmal 26.4), is dead last in the Red Zone (giving up points on more than 78 percent of opponents trips inside their 20-yard line), allows the third most touchdowns per game (3.4), and is ranked 30th overall against the run and has missed an NFL record 1,238 tackles (estimated). The team is also 26th overall in takeaways and dead last in Offensive turnovers. And, oh yeah, the Defense is ranked 32nd overall (out of 32) in Defensive Efficiency – via Football Outsiders amazing stat work…

Man, it’s a good thing Andy waited until Week Six of a 16-game season to address the Defensive problems!

Yesterday, Bill Simmons and Cousin Sal – on their weekly NFL recap/betting-line B.S. Report Podcast – pontificated about the Eagles woes, and if they stem from the insanely shortened offseason. Sure, there were many new faces on the team, particularly the defensive-side of the ball, and not to mention the change in coaches… but with only six weeks to prepare, how could they have gelled and become a cohesive unit? Not only was Castillo switching from Offense to Defense and was learning on the fly, but he also acquired six new starters and had to get them prepared in an extremely abridged amount of time.

Well, then how do you explain Jim Harbaugh taking over AN ENTIRE TEAM in San Francisco, with the same time frame and similar plethora of new players – not to mention the fact that they lost their best Defensive Lineman in Aubrayo Franklin – and turning the team around to a 4-1 start and an almost certain division title? How come the 49ers aren’t struggling mightily? How come the Carolina Panthers – who hired our old whipping boy Ginger McDermutt as Defensive Coordinator – are ranked 9th overall in Red Zone Defense(**)?

(**)The Panthers do, however, rank awfully low in points allowed (26th overall, ahead of the Eagles), touchdowns per game (23rd) and run D (27th).

It’s just so typical of Andy Reid to let this problem fester to this point. Assuming they DO bring in a consultant, whoever it is won’t start until the Bye Week (Week 7), when the Eagles will already be 1-5 (we assume). What’s the point? Are we to believe that a consultant can fundamentally change the Defense for the better, propelling the Eagles to a 10-game win streak and a playoff spot? Hell no. Plus, Juan Castillo will keep his job and work with the consultant. Again, what’s the point?

Unless The Walrus is also planning on hiring an Offensive Red Zone consultant(***) and a play-calling consultant and a clock management consultant, this team is not going to improve. Just like the 2007 season, the 2008 season, the 2009 season and the 2010 season, everything remains the same. Only the names of the players change.

(***)Another thing Simmons mentioned on the podcast… When the Eagles have the ball at the opponent’s goal line, you expect the Eagles Offense to move backwards. And they always do. And this is coming from someone who doesn’t watch the team regularly.

It’s time for The Billionaire and The Devil to bring in a consultant of their own. A football consultant. Someone who can oversee both the Offense and Defense.

You know… an actual NFL Head Coach.

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Posted by Chase Wexler

“The Best of Andy Reid” (Otherwise Known as Week Five vs. Buffalo)

October 10, 2011

There really isn’t a whole lot that can be said about that “football” game that occurred yesterday in Buffalo.

Week Five versus the Bills was the equivalent of TimeLife Video releasing: “The Best of Andy Reid,” with such hits as:

  • Dumb penalties that negate touchdowns
  • Missed tackles and blown coverages by overpaid defenders
  • Poor clock management, resulting in zero Red Zone points
  • Bad play-calling and turnovers
  • Horrendous Offensive Line play
  • Red Zone defense gives the opposition an automatic seven points each time
  • Juan Castillo, Offensive Line Coach Defensive Coordinator
  • A  hideous brain fart (Juqua Parker) that costs the team the game

Plus, two bonus tracks, including everyone’s favorites:

  • “I Need to do a Better Job…”
  • “Time’s yours.”

This game had it all! All of your favorite Andy Reid classics in one 60-minute performance!

UGH!

Just the thought of this past weekend gives us nausea and stomach cramps. It’s really not even worth rehashing, and in fact, would cause severe head trauma and dizziness if we did. Just know that Juan Castillo should be replaced with the second-string kicking tee and Jason Avant’s “best hands on the team” were miraculously replaced with Freddie Mitchell’s. Also, Jarrad Page suffered a stinger while he was being reincarnated from Blaine Bishop’s corpse. Oh, and Juqua Parker shouldn’t be allowed on a football field ever again.

In all honesty, nothing’s going to change. Even if the Redskins do what every other team has done to us this year, save for the Rams(*), and the Eagles go into the bye week 1-5, desperately needing someone to be held accountable, nothing will change. Andy won’t fire Castillo because he’s too freaking stubborn to admit a mistake. And even if he does Walrus-up and kick Juan to the curb, who takes over then? Does it even matter? Would a new Defensive Coordinator make the team better tacklers or run-stoppers? Would the middle of the field be any less susceptible or the Red Zone defense any less porous? No.

(*)Meanwhile, if Steven Jackson doesn’t get hurt after his first run from scrimmage in Week One, the Eagles might be looking at 0-5, not 1-4.

Should Andy Reid bench Asante Samuel? YES! Someone needs to be punished for the way this Defense has played, and there’s no point to benching Linebackers that don’t exist. Asante is a bum, we’ve been saying it for years. It doesn’t matter how many interceptions he gets (just one for the year, by the way), he is the worst example of how to play Defense. But beyond whiffing on tackles – or, more appropriately, shying away from tackles completely – he just doesn’t give a shit. Asante cares about his INT numbers first and everything else second… which is exactly why he could be seen shrugging his shoulders after giving up a huge Bills’ touchdown (which one, who remembers… or cares to…).

Vick threw three interceptions in a 21 minute span. So that happened. Shady McCoy was doing awesome Shady McCoy things, until The Walrus forgot he was a member of the team. Brent Celek let everyone know he’s still alive with his ninth (yes, ninth) reception of the season. Danny Watkins, King Dunlap and Dan Kelce made us miss the days of Bobbie Williams, John Welbourn and Hank Fraley. Just a beautiful day all around!

And credit must go to Bills’ Head Coach Chan Gaily, for keeping the Eagles in the game. Fred Jackson could have ran for 432 yards on the Eagles D, but Gaily wanted to see the Eagles make a game of it and decided to pull a Reid of his own.  Jackson finished with 26 carries, but if Gaily was smart, he would have finished the day with 50 and the Bills would have won by a score of 137-who cares. So, thanks Chan Gaily!

Can you guys tell how miserable/punchy/hopeless we feel today…

Meanwhile, Vegas has posted the odds for Andy Reid to be fired, and they’re the same odds as the Eagles winning the 2011 Super Bowl… because this is Philadelphia, and God hates us.

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Posted by Chase Wexler

The Day After: Is It Too Late For A Lockout?

October 10, 2011

Well, here we are… one of the lowest points in recent Philadelphia sports history. Who would have thought that July 29 – the infamous day where, in a two-hour span, the Eagles surprisingly signed Nnamdi Asomugha and the Phillies miraculously traded for Hunter Pence – would be the apex of the 2011 sports year for our tortured city? That was it. That was our championship.

There was so much hope that day, and the weeks to follow. The future looked so bright for our two favorite franchises(*) and our city was envied by sports fans across the country. The Eagles and Phillies were being LAUDED nationally… a feat so rare, it comes around as often as Halley’s Comet. Philadelphia was on the precipice of greatness, of championships, of parades… But, realistically, just on the precipice of failure.

(*)Yes, we’re four-for-four and love the Sixers and Flyers too. But we all know that the winter sports aren’t as meaningful as the summer/fall ones… at least until the playoffs start. It’s awesome that the Flyers are 2-0 and look great, but realistically, call us in May/June.

And it’s not typical failure either. The Phillies – easily the most talented team in the National League, and on the paper, the strongest team in all of baseball – failed epically. Forget everything that happened before Game 5 of the NLDS(**), the Phillies went into the most important game of the season with the best pitcher in baseball on the mound… and he threw a one-run gem! Except they couldn’t even get a man to THIRD BASE?! They couldn’t muster more than three hits, let alone a single run.

(**)Oh, Cliff and your four run lead…

Not to be outdone – and/or in an effort to steal headlines from the woeful Phillies – the pathetic Philadelphia Eagles burst out of the gate in 2011 about as well as Ryan Howard leaves the batter’s box: Crippled. The Eagles could have started 2-3 and it would have been considered a disaster. But no… that wouldn’t be enough for our fragile psyches. The Walrus’ “team” stands at 1-4 and our fans stand on the edge of the Ben Franklin Bridge.

Sports are supposed to be the distraction from our shitty lives. Our country is in an awful place, our economy is fucked, our entertainment consists of idiots from Jersey and a rich, spoiled, untalented Armenian family, we’re overworked, underpaid, pissed off… And our sports teams are simply exasperating the situation. There is nothing to look forward to, no hope on the horizon.

Sure, there’s always next year… but unless next year includes a new football coach and new starting lineup for our baseball team, there’s just going to be the year after that.

Was 2008 an aberration? A fluke? A once in a generation moment of success and pleasure, that won’t return for another 25 years? It certainly feels like it. It feels like 2008 didn’t even happen. We’re right back to where we started: always expecting the worst, always experiencing the worst.

If you can’t tell, depression is in the air today. What transpired over the past 72 hours was pure torture. It’s taken every last bit of feeling and emotion out of us. Its kicked us in the teeth and punched us in the stomach.

Where do we go from here?

It’s not like a 1-4 start, or even a 1-15 finish, will mean the definite end of The Walrus’ regime. The Billionaire and The Devil LOVE Andy. He can do no wrong. Even failing with a team (supposedly) as talented as this one, isn’t a sure thing to get him a pink slip. And doesn’t that seem where we’re headed? The disappointment and frustration isn’t enough… let’s keep the heart of the problem here and see how he can fuck it up again next year. Let’s continue to dig the knife deeper into the hearts of Philly sports fans.

We didn’t post this last night after the game, because we knew it would be a rambling, incoherent mess(***)… and obviously it still is. It’s impossible to wrap our brains around the pain we feel right now. It’s too much to even talk about Jason Avant or Juqua Parker or Blaine Bishop Jarrad Page. The individual pieces don’t matter. The entirety of the Eagles organization (and Philly sports in general) is horrifically flawed. It needs to be blown up. It needs to start from scratch. It needs to Fire The Walrus.

(***)You know, as opposed to everything else we write…

We’ll wrap this mess of a post up with something Mike Florio wrote on profootballtalk.com this morning:

“So when going ‘all in’ and losing, what happens?  Do you get a new pile of chips to gamble next year?  Or is there accountability for making a bad bet?”

We want to know the same thing Mike… we want to know the same thing. Unfortunately, Andy Reid is staked to a seemingly endless supply of chips. Will The Billionaire and The Devil ever call his bluff?

Are we sure it’s too late to have that lockout?

 More to come… (including an actual recap of the embarrassment that was the Eagles versus the Bills).

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Posted by Chase Wexler

Project #OccupyNovacareComplex

October 6, 2011

You’re probably aware – or at least should be aware – that there is a movement going on right now in New York City (and being adopted by various other cities) known as Occupy Wall Street. In short, Occupy Wall Street is a protest against the fat cats on Wall Street who are responsible for our failing economy and the fact that they NEED to be held accountable.

The movement is keeping up a running theme that’s currently in vogue throughout the world: Revolution.

So far in 2011, we’ve seen a revolution in Egypt, uprisings in Syria and Yemen, riots and protests across the Middle East, in Wisconsin, and now on Wall Street. Demanding accountability and repercussions for actions is all the rage these days, and it is high time die-hard Eagles fans jumped on that bandwagon.

Now, we’re not actually suggesting a physical revolt or violent protest… But The Billionaire and The Devil NEED to be told how we (the paying, forever-loyal customers) feel about the current state of the team. Much like the Wall Street execs that don’t give one shit about the rest of this country and the awesome predicament they put us in, Lurie and Banner simply tune out the fans, our complaints and our burning, never-fleeting desire to see the Eagles WIN A FREAKING SUPER BOWL.

We demand satisfaction. We demand respect. We demand a football coach who is more concerned with the play on the field than a reporter asking him a question he doesn’t like. We demand a Lombardi trophy and a coach capable of delivering one.

We’re putting out a call to all Eagles fans and everyone in Fire The Walrus nation: Get on your Facebook, get on your Twitter, get on your Google+ (that’s still a thing, right?), get on the Eagles’ message boards, get on 9.75 and 94.1, and let the Eagles’ bigwigs know that we will no longer stand for this!

We demand accountability for The Walrus’ crimes against Eagles fans. Forget the economy failing our country… our team is failing our city. This isn’t football, this is life… and Andy Reid has pushed us around for too long!(*)

#OccupyNovacareComplex! #OccupyTheLinc! #FireTheWalrus!

(*)Please note: This is meant to be tongue-in-cheek. In no way are we trying to undermine the importance of what’s going on around the world.

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Posted by Chase Wexler

Whisker Wednesday

October 5, 2011

Yes, you read that right… It’s the long-awaited return of Whisker Wednesday!(*)

(*)Assuming you’ve been waiting patiently by the computer for it…

Strained Relationships
Over at Philly.com, Paul Domowitch discusses the fine points of The Walrus’ straining relationship with the Philly media. Domo touches on some good points, particularly how the tenure of a coach has a direct effect on that coach’s relationship with the local media. More or less, the longer a coach remains in one place, the less information he thinks he needs to provide to the media. According to Domo:

“After 13 years as the Eagles’ king, after 13 years of listening to his agent tell him how powerful and omniscient he is, Reid feels he can do pretty much whatever he wants, whether it’s promoting an offensive-line coach to defensive coordinator or defying the NFL’s media policy.”

Another point revolves around the fans and what they want. Domo claims its information, but this is where we disagree. Eagles’ fans have disliked Reid for so long for one reason more than any: his arrogance. We touched on this the other day, but it’s true. It’s not that Reid doesn’t give enough info in his press conferences – like Domo says in the article, or common sense would dictate, the majority of coaches are withholding and stingy when  it comes to sharing information – but the fact that he has such an attitude about it.

Again, Walrus, you didn’t invent the game of football. Come down from that ivory (tusk) tower and remember that YOU HAVEN’T WON A DAMN SUPER BOWL YET!

Calling Danny Watkins
If you haven’t heard yet, 2011 first-round pick Danny Watkins will finally step foot onto a football field this year… to play!

Honestly, who cares? Watkins is yet another in a long line of underwhelming Andy Reid first-round picks. Sure, Brock Lesner’s twin hasn’t played a down of regular season ball yet, but we all know what’s coming, right? Failure.

Maybe it was the lack of an offseason, but Watkins got a chance in preseason and was clearly overwhelmed and overmatched. Reading the tea leaves, this doesn’t bode well with his pro prospects. Offensive Line, particularly the Guard spot, is usually a position that rookies are capable of stepping right into. So far, not so much for Watkins. We hope he proves us wrong… but he likely won’t.

The Dream is Dead
Vince Young may have declared this Eagles team to be a “Dream Team,” but like the back-up he is, his comment now has to take a back seat to the team’s real leader.

According to CSN Philly’s Andy Schwartz, Mike Vick has officially declared the “Dream Team” label dead. Thank Buddy!

“I think the Dream Team … that word is dead now,” Vick said Wednesday before practice. “You can’t talk Dream Team anymore. Maybe it put pressure on some players, maybe it didn’t. But I think just the fact that people turned it around and was talking about it creates a sense of pressure.”

Oh Michael, how we wholeheartedly agree… until he followed that up with this doozy:

“I think that’s over with now,” he said, “and I think that we’re one of the teams that scratch and kick from the bottom now and figure out how we’re going to get ourselves back to a position of being one of the best teams in the league.”

You know how you do that, Mike? Lose(**). Get The Walrus fired. And maybe put your team in a position to draft the next coming of Joe Montana Andrew Luck.

(**)We cannot actually root for the Eagles to lose… no matter how much closer it makes the “Walrus Fired!”  headline to being a reality. It’s just not in our makeup. It would be like rooting for a family member to commit suicide.

The Walrus Has No One To Blame But The Walrus Himself
In case you weren’t sick of fed up with murderous at Andy Reid for continuously claiming that HE needs to do a better job, Reuben Frank wrote an entire piece on CSN Philly yesterday about Reid putting the blame for the 1-3 start on his own bulky shoulders.

It’s chock full of Reid’s typical bag of cliches and half-assed excuses. Give it a read, it’ll infuriate you. It’ll get your Walrus-hating juices flowing. It’ll make you puke in your mouth when you remember he’s been saying this same bullshit for 13 FREAKING YEARS NOW!

“We’ve got to make sure we fix it,” Reid said. “I obviously don’t like what I’m seeing, and I’m a part of that problem.”

No Andy… you ARE the problem!(***)

(***)You know, and the whole no tackling thing…

Make sure you all thank Rube for yet another reminder of why we desperately need to Fire The Walrus!

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Posted by Chase Wexler

Just Because

October 4, 2011

It never gets old…

If only Reid’s brain was as strong as his pituitary gland!

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Posted by Chase Wexler

Mikey Miss Versus The Immovable Object: The Walrus’ Fat Arrogance

October 3, 2011

This morning, our old comrade Mike Missanelli went down to The Walrus’ morning after press conference mumbling/heavy-breathing/answer-dodging triathlon, and did something no “journalist” in Andy’s inner circle has the balls to do: grill him. Actually try to get a hard answer out of him. Who knew it was possible! (Hint: it’s not.)

The topic at hand was Ronnie Brown’s monumental brain fart and the fact that Brown told CSN Philly’s Derrick Gunn that the play was a designed run/pass option, yet Gunn didn’t have the wherewithal to ask a follow-up question – like “Was the play designed for you to throw the ball from the ground?” or “Were you dropped on your head as a child?” So Mikey Miss, in his always-lawyering-everyone mentality, pried Andy about the play, specifically asking why he would call a play that’s not traditionally effective in the goal line situation. And Andy, of course, pried right back.

It’s classic, stubborn, uppity Andy Reid. Not only does he avoid answering the question entirely, but attempts to demoralize Missanelli with a little bullying. He literally accuses M-squared of ignorance for not attending practice(*).

(*)Queue Iverson.

“How dare Mike Missanelli ask a pertinent question! Who does he think he is? He doesn’t show up to practice everyday… like Eskin!” That’s the only thought process Reid must use when his logic is questioned. Didn’t you know: Andy Reid invented the game of football!

Also, that rat Howard Eskin attends every practice because his mouth is surgically attached to The Walrus’ lap.

Listen to the audio over at 97.5 The Fanatic, or see the video at The 700 Level(**) (or below, maybe). It’ll frustrate you even more!(***)

(**)Link also has a very enjoyable story about Eskin putting his schmucky Burger King foot in his schmucky Burger King mouth!

(***)The whole point of being an Eagles fan is masochism, right? RIGHT?!

More tomorrow Walrus loathers!

http://www.csnphilly.com/common/thePlatform/web/swf/flvPlayer.swf

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Posted by Chase Wexler

The Day After: Our Sunday of Discontent

October 3, 2011

Man, we knew the Eagles and Phillies like to show each other up, but yesterday reached a new level in the city’s “friendly” rivalry. The Phillies just couldn’t let the Eagles have the “choke-job” headline! They HAD to one-up the Birds and take the attention for themselves…

In all seriousness, words can’t describe the level of venomous anger that we feel after yesterday.

Where do the Eagles go from here? Ideally, they would lose the next 12 games and jump into the Andrew Luck sweepstakes(*), but you know that The Walrus would find some way of screwing that up – like winning a meaningless game in week 17 to take the team out of the running for the first overall pick. But, realistically, this team is headed for a 7-9, 8-8 or 9-7 season at best. And 9-7 even seems out of reach.

(*)Please don’t think that we actually view this as a possibility.

Sure, it’s only been four weeks and is too early to declare the Eagles season over… but, like we mentioned yesterday, they aren’t likely to overcome their current record. And they don’t exactly have the infrastructure in place to turn this thing around.

The Eagles are fundamentally flawed.

That is not news. We’ve known as much for the past couple of years. But it is as clear as day that this team is in major trouble. Again, they can’t tackle. They can’t play in the red zone on either side of the ball. They can’t protect the ball on Offense (more on this in a minute) and struggle to take it away on Defense. Their Defensive Coordinator is so painfully under-qualified(**) that they may as well have kept Ginger McDermutt(***). The only difference between the 2011 Secondary and the 2010 incarnation is that Nnamdi Asomugha makes roughly $11 million more than Dmitri Patterson did.

(**)And boy, is THAT an understatement!

 

(***)That’s former-Defensive Coordinator/Fire The Walrus-whipping boy, Sean McDermott for our newcomers.

It’s perplexing. It really is. Even after sleeping on it and collecting our thoughts, we still can’t seem to wrap our heads around the abject failure this season is turning out to be. We could/would never root for the team to lose or do poorly, but at this point, tanking the season is the only way Andy Reid loses his job. And even then, it’s not a sure thing, as Joe Banner The Devil basically insinuated that The Walrus is more or less the “coach for life.”

But everything must go. From the top down, this team needs to be broken up and sent packing. The coaching staff is hideous, the Defense is a disgrace and the Offense, even with its “star playmakers,” has few redeemable qualities.

Speaking of which… When did Andy Reid hire L.J. Smith to teach the Offense how to carry the ball? Vick, McCoy, Jackson, Maclin, Harbor… they ALL carry the ball in one hand, stretched out in front of them! Why?! Why are they incapable of tucking the ball in and protecting it?! And this started WAY before Maclin’s ridiculous fumble in the fourth quarter yesterday. It’s been going on since last year, and is absolutely infuriating. L.J. Smith was famous for carrying the ball like a loaf of bread(****) and cost the Eagles numerous fumbles. The fact that the coaching staff has allowed this to continue is just one more indictment on how frustratingly horrendous they are at their jobs. What the hell are the Eagles paying their coaches to do?!

(****)Copyright Pat Summerall.

Again, words can’t even begin to describe the level of vitriol we currently have for this team. It is mortifying to be an Eagles fan right now.  There is no pride in rooting for a team that has no heart and no desire. It’s maddening. It really is. We can’t even coherently rant…

Just look at what Cullen Jenkins, one of the very few bright spots this season and someone who played for a Super Bowl-winning team last year, had to say about the current state of the Eagles (via Dan Graziano’s NFC East blog on ESPN.com):

Regarding the mood in the locker room at halftime of the San Fran game – “I think it was a little bit too happy in here. Just because you’ve got a lead in the game doesn’t mean you’ve played a good game.”

Something we’ve been preaching since Fire The Walrus started – “The biggest thing we’re missing in here is the attitude. There’s not that fire, that mental toughness that makes you think you’re going to make it happen. And we’ve got to get that. At some point, the man in you has to come out.”

And finally, the truth – “There’s a lot of talented teams around the league that never win, and it’s because they don’t learn how to play the game as a team.”

Yep, that sums it up nicely!

Like we’ve been saying from day one on here, the Eagles lack the type of players that win in the NFL. There is no leader on the Defense, no Dawkins/Trotter/Douglas that can be relied on to step up and make a play, or get in his teammates faces and rile them up. There is no Jim Johnson to cover up Andy Reid’s flaws.

There’s just The Walrus, The Offensive Line Coach and a collection of players with no determination or heart.

This is your 2011 Philadelphia Eagles team. This is the season of our discontent.

This is the season to Fire The Walrus.

1 Comment | The Day After, The Devil, The Walrus | Tagged: , , , , | Permalink
Posted by Chase Wexler

NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Um, What Happened?!

October 2, 2011

Ummmmm, what happened?!

Well the Eagles “Dream Team” Defense had a Mets-style(*) meltdown in the fourth quarter – for the third week in a row! – to a team with an Offense ranked 28th overall in the NFL in passing and 30th overall in the NFL in running. You did not misread that!

(*)Or Red Sox or Braves-style collapse for the fans of recent analogy history.

That’s what happened.

Remember the scene in The Big Lebowski, where Walter Sobchak (John Goodman’s most transcendent performance) famously freaks out on the kid Larry Sellers, who stole the Dude’s car, “You see what happens?! You see what happens Larry?! You see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass?!”(**) That’s what we’d like to do to Andy Reid right now… “You see what happens?! You see what happens Andy?! You see what happens when make your Offensive Line Coach your Defensive Coordinator?!”

(**)Please note: the link is the edited-for-TV version, which hilariously changes Walter’s: “You see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass?!” to “You see what happens when you fool a stranger in the Alps?!” Always loved that edit!

This is unreal! Who would have thought that, with the additions of Asomugha, Babin, Jenkins, DRC, Page, Matthews (HA!), etc., the Birds’ D would somehow be worse than last year’s pathetic group? We’ve covered Fredo extensively, but what about Jarrad Page? That dude may as well be named Blaine Bishop! Nate Allen is not what he was pre-injury. Babin and Jenkins have actually been fantastic… rushing the QB. The line can’t stop the run, the Linebackers can’t stop the run and the Secondary can’t stop the run. Oh, and NO ONE CAN TACKLE! Because, you know, tackling is not something that’s important in football…

And forget the D, does Ronnie Brown have a head injury?! Did his preseason concussion baseline test not show the massive tumor blocking whatever part of the brain makes decisions?! What the fuck was that?! Has any skill position player in the history of football ever decided to look back and throw the ball to no one in particular, even though he was less than two inches from being down and had four opposing players in his line of vision? Is Ronnie Brown color blind? Can he not tell the difference between green and red? So many questions! I hope Jon Dorenbos takes the initiative and asks him, in his long-going attempt to take Dave Spadaro’s job!

But back to the issue at hand… The philosophy that Andy Reid used to build this team – get the lead with a “high-powered” Offense early, protect the lead by pressuring the QB and taking away his Receivers – is extremely flawed, this we know. But it’s never back-fired this spectacularly. Three straight weeks, three straight leads going into the fourth quarter, three straight losses:

Week Two versus Atlanta
31 – 21 with 1:59 remaining in the third; lost the lead with 4:48 remaining in the fourth

Week Three versus NYG
16 – 14 with :59 remaining in the third; lost the lead with 8:07 remaining in the fourth

Week Four versus San Fran
23 – 3 with 9:30 remaining in the third; lost the lead with 3:00 remaining in the fourth

Can the Eagles survive 1-3? Probably not. They started 0-2 in 2003 and made it to the NFC Championship Game. They started 2-2 last year and ended up making the playoffs. But 1-3? They are in trouble. Serious trouble. But thankfully, maybe, hopefully, Walrus firing trouble.

We need to try to wrap our heads around this one. Much, much more coming tomorrow and the rest of the week. And for those who look for us on Twitter and here during home games: FYI, The Billionaire decided to block phone service in the stadium so that fans are forced to (but don’t) rent their bullshit “Fan Experience” thing that gives scores and highlights for around the league. Because God forbid fans should be allowed to communicate with the outside world watching on TV. Or, you know, bash the team share their feelings on social media.

Fuck it dude… let’s go Phillies!

Leave a Comment » | NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS, The Billionaire, The Walrus | Tagged: , , , , | Permalink
Posted by Chase Wexler

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