The Day After: A Tale of Two (Bad) Coaching Decisions

November 19, 2012

Do we talk about Brent Celek’s hands of stone and the fact that he was responsible for yet ANOTHER interception? Do we talk about the disappearance of Jeremy Maclin and Desean Jackson and Foles’ reliance on Riley Cooper(*)? Do we talk about the Defense and how it allowed Robert Griffin III to be nearly invincible – 14 for 15, 200 yards, 4 TDs, no INTs, 84 rushing yards, numerous Houdini-esque escapes and a PERFECT QB rating(**)?

(*)Who finally looks like an actual NFL Wide Receiver.

(**)Now we know what Redskins fans felt like when Dramavan McNabb destroyed them on MNF way back when, and then when Vick did the same exactly two years ago to the day. We suppose this was some kind of karmic payback. Either way, the next decade is going to be a long one with RGIII in the division.

No. Let’s discuss the two worst coaching decisions in a game FILLED with awful judgment calls.

The first is a rehash of an identical situation that happened last week against the Cowboys. In back-to-back games now, the Eagles Defense made a big stop with less than two minutes remaining in the first half… And in back-to-back games, Andy Reid allowed precious time to tick away before realizing he could stop the clock. Did he simply assume he had already wasted all of his timeouts? Was he distracted dreaming about his halftime snack(s)? We’ll never know.

While Andy’s mismanagement of the clock is no surprise, it’s the decision he made next that’s inexplicable. With :44 seconds left and the ball deep in their own territory, you would think the Offense would simply take a knee and go into the half down 14-3. But no. Not an Andy Reid-coached team. For the second straight week, the Eagles lined up in the shotgun formation and ran a play when they had no business doing so… And OF COURSE LeSean McCoy fumbled the ball away. The Redskins kicked a field goal and the game was more or less over before the second half even started.

That sequence was simply demoralizing. And its totally inexcusable. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever for the Eagles to run a play from their own 12-yard line with less than a minute left… Especially when the exact same situation blew up in their face ONE WEEK BEFORE! This is Andy Reid’s philosophy in a nutshell. He refuses to learn from his mistakes and he simply thinks he’s smarter than everyone else. And, as always, it proves detrimental to the team.

And then there’s the dipshit decision to have Shady run the ball with less than two minutes left in the game and the team trailing by 25 points. You know, the play that got the Eagles ONLY worthwhile player concussed and carted off the field.

In his press conference after the game, when asked why McCoy was even on the field at the time, Andy claimed he was trying to catch up and win the game… By running the ball… Down 25 points with less than two minutes to go… In a game that was so out of reach, three-quarters of Eagles fans had already turned off their TVs. Seriously?!

This is stubborn ignorance at its finest. Andy thinks we’re all stupid and will just eat the bullshit he feeds us. McCoy was in that game because the Eagles coaching staff doesn’t have a single clue about what they’re doing.

The Eagles called all of eight running plays for Shady in the first half, while mixing in a healthy dose of Bryce Brown… This coming three days after Offensive Coordinator/Complete Fucking Moron Marty Mornhinweg defended the team’s limited use of McCoy. So why – after not using him effectively when the game was still competitive – would they decide to run the ball when the game was already over? Why not give the rookie Brown some much needed reps? Well, it’s simple… They wanted to pad Shady’s stats and have the box score read like they are in deed giving him adequate touches.

This is utter fucking incompetence and it cost the team and its best player dearly. McCoy – the LONE bright spot on a team of darkness – is out for Buddy knows how long. And even worse, Andy now has a built in excuse to throw and throw and throw… Regardless of how inexperienced his Quarterback is or the fact that the Offensive Line is made out of papier-mâché(***).

(***)Did we mention Foles threw 46 passes yesterday?! In his first NFL start!

Andy Reid perpetually claims that he has to do a better job, but he never puts his team in a position to succeed. Instead he makes decisions that severely hinder the team’s success and make him look like what he is: A dumb fat Walrus.

If the team hadn’t quit on him before – and they certainly have – this is the straw that will break The Walrus’ back. Andy NEEDS to be held accountable for his dangerous and criminal use of LeSean McCoy… You don’t knowingly put your best player in harm’s way without any repercussions. Too bad the team’s owner has his head buried in the sand.

The 2012 Eagles are 3-7 because of a severe lack of talent… But also because there’s a severe lack of intelligence at the top.

And that’s just another reason why it’s time to Fire The Walrus.


NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: The Greatest Thing EVER!

November 18, 2012

We proudly present to you… the greatest thing ever made about the stubborn awfulness that is Andy Reid:

This absolutely makes up for the atrocity that was our favorite team today. Watch it, share it, love it!

Thanks to Gus Stowe for sending this along to us, and Casey Conklin and Big Machine Records, LLC for making this a thing! We are forever indebted to you all!


NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: Welcome To Rock Bottom

November 18, 2012

Nick Foles passed the ball 46 times. Kurt Coleman tackled two Redskins players INTO the endzone. LeSean McCoy was carted off the field on a completely meaningless play with less than two minutes left and the team down by 25 points(*). The Eagles have lost six straight games. Welcome to rock bottom.

(*)He officially has a concussion, according to Andy’s postgame bullshitfest press conference.

This is a team that couldn’t put up more than six points against the league’s 27th ranked Defense, a unit that has given up the 5th most points in 2012! The Eagles are one of the sorriest teams in the league and are officially in the hunt for the number one overall pick. That’s all we have to look forward to anymore. And the way this season is going, they’ll somehow fuck that up too.

The 2012 Eagles are one of the worst teams we’ve ever followed. It’s their first six game losing streak since the 1994 season – also known as Rich Kotite’s last hurrah – and they’re on pace to match the 1998 vintage’s 3-13 record. This team doesn’t need a new coach, it needs an exorcism! The 2012 Eagles were built on an indian burial ground… It’s time to burn the whole thing to the ground and salt the Earth.

What more is there to say?

How many different ways can we say this team is awful? How many more times can we write about their incompetence? We’re not even angry anymore… it’s just depressing.

As we said on Twitter earlier today(**): Watching the 2012 Eagles is like watching a family member slowly kill themselves with drugs. It’s painful.

(**)And if you’re not following us on Twitter, you’re certainly missing out.

So, as we enter Thanksgiving week, we give thanks to the one Eagles-related thing we’re actually grateful for: There are officially SIX more games left in the Andy Reid-era.

This is the what the end feels like. This is rock bottom.

More to come.


Walrus Droppings: Cleaning Out The Weekly Notebook

November 14, 2012

While we await the Eagles sixth straight loss(*) and work on the next post in our 2012 Eagles Magical Mystery Coaching Tour series, we just wanted to note a few things that happened this week in the land of Walrusdom:

(*)Bitter much?

  • The Eagles brought in – gasp! – an ACTUAL Offensive Lineman, signing Jake Scott, formerly of the Colts and Titans. Scott spent four seasons with Howard Mudd, so we can expect him to step right in and provide new starter Nick Foles with some much needed protection. Unfortunately, he can only play one O-Line spot at a time, so we hope Foles has a good life insurance policy.
  • Offensive Coordinator/Bumbling Idiot Marty Mornhinweg defended the team’s limited use of its only good player, LeSean McCoy… Which is the equivalent of him defending his decision to kick the ball in sudden death overtime. Yeah, that happened. And you wonder why this guy is 5-27 lifetime as a Head Coach.
  • John Boruk of CSN Philly asks, “If Reid Goes, How Do The Eagles Fill His Other Job?” What other job is that, you may be asking… Executive Vice President of Football Operations. Boruk offers six candidates with strong NFL resumes for the job, but in keeping with his track record, Lurie is high on Adam Schwartzberg, a Central High School mathlete and self-described “football watcher.”
  • On 97.5 The Fanatic this week, Brian Baldinger – who we generally enjoy and respect – claimed the Eagles will win this week and score at least 28 points in the process, as the Redskins Defense is one of the worst in the league. Apparently Baldy didn’t watch the Monday Night game against the league’s WORST Defense a few weeks ago. Or maybe the pain in his finger is making him forget that the Eagles have yet to score more than 24 points all season.
  • In this Grantland piece – by The Sportstorialist, Wesley Morris – about the attire of NFL coaches(**), there’s a nice little mention of Andy’s “rusty walrus mustache.” We quite enjoyed that! There’s also this line: “Andy Reid is a coach who looks [like] he just doesn’t care.” We honestly couldn’t have said it better ourselves.

 (**)Journalism at its best, if you ask us.

  • Speaking of Grantland, Bill Barnwell posted a piece yesterday counting down the five worst passes (so far) of the 2012 NFL season…  And NOT ONE was a Michael Vick interception?! That’s really surprising, due to the extremely large sample size Barnwell had to choose from. Hell, even Nick Foles’ ludicrously gift-wrapped pass to Anthony Spencer last week (that was thankfully called back due to Morris Claiborne’s ineptitutde awesomeness) didn’t get a mention! We’re ashamed Barnwell. Very ashamed.

Stay tuned for more tomorrow and, of course, follow us on Twitter as we live tweet the Eagles-Redskins shitshow this Sunday. Can’t wait to finally see RGIII and the terror he will impose on this franchise for the next decade…

Hey, at least we’re not Jets fans!


How Bad Is The Eagles Defense?

November 14, 2012

The Eagles tried to tackle Breast Cancer, but Breast Cancer broke the tackle for a 42-yard Touchdown run. Or maybe it was Felix Jones… We’re not positive(*).

(*)Please note: We are not poking fun at Breast Cancer. We wholeheartedly support Breast Cancer Awareness.

Isn’t it ironic that the Eagles PR department decided to go with Jason Babin and Kurt Coleman for a TACKLING Breast Cancer campaign… Don’t you think?


The Day After: The Walking Dead

November 12, 2012

If you’re an Eagles fan who watches the awesome AMC zombie show The Walking Dead, you know that the world Rick and Co. are stuck surviving in has close similarities to the the future of our favorite football team. They’re both dark, bleak and seemingly hopeless.

While the present for the Philadelphia Eagles is filled with anger and hatred and unanswered questions, the future doesn’t appear to be much different. We got our first glimpse of this last night, when Nick Foles came in for the concussed Mike Vick. Yet, now the future of the Eagles seems even murkier.

According to Yahoo!’s Jason Cole, Foles very well could be the starter for the remainder of 2012. And that’s looking even likelier now, as word broke today that Vick has a “significant” concussion(*). As we’ve stated before, that’s a lose/lose situation for Eagles fans.

(*)We’re pretty sure all Eagles fans suffered a “significant” concussion watching that dreck last night.

Look, we are more than done with the Michael Vick experiment in Philadelphia, but Nick Foles represents one of two things: mediocrity or a new beginning. Either he’s awful and the Birds lose out (and no matter how much we want Reid gone, the thought of 3-13 is absolutely sickening), or he’s good-to-great and buys Andy yet another season. There’s no in between. As fans, we’re stuck between a rock and a fat coach.

Regardless, no matter how Foles plays these last seven weeks, the Eagles are in the market for a new Quarterback. And Offensive Line. And Defense. And coaching staff. See what we mean about the future. If you think things are bad now, they are only going to get worse. And honestly, we’re totally fine with the Eagles taking a step or two back in order to move forward(**).

(**)And yes, even though we say this and mean this now, don’t think we won’t be bitching in 12 months. But to be fair, that’s due to the Jeffrey Lurie/Howie Roseman clusterfuck. We will certainly give a new regime a year or two’s worth of slack. Maybe.

But just how far backwards will they need to go?

This time last year, the Indianapolis Colts were in the midst of their 2-14 “Suck For Luck” campaign. We’d say that worked out pretty well – they drafted the best Quarterback prospect since John Elway and currently sit at 6-3. The Colts are likely going to make the playoffs less than a year after going 2-14. So a quick turnaround is possible, right?

Wrong. Unfortunately, there is no Andrew Luck in this coming NFL Draft. There isn’t a Robert Griffin III or, hell, even a Matthew Stafford. There’s Matt Barkley from USC (who we hate), Geno Smith from West Virginia (who we’re intrigued by) and Alabama’s A.J. McCarron (who we generally like). But the point is, there is no clear number one pick – which the Eagles may ACTUALLY in play for. Sure, someone will become the frontrunner by January, but this isn’t one of those “sure thing” drafts like last year.

If Nick Foles isn’t the answer and Mike Vick CLEARLY isn’t the franchise guy that the Eagles brass thought/paid him to be, where do they go from here? Franchise QBs only make it to free agency once every decade. So, get ready for a potentially long wait until the next great good QB gets into town.

The problem is, that’s just at Quarterback. This team needs a complete overhaul at almost every position. But guess what… We can’t even trust the people making those decisions!

As long as Howie is at the controls – and Lurie has already proven that he thinks an unexperienced stat nerd who can’t draft or correctly evaluate talent is the way to go – this team of ours is fucked. Remember, Howie Roseman’s resume is no different from ours – hardcore football fan, stat lover and “self taught” talent evaluator. You don’t see NFL owners knocking on our door.

And let’s not look past the fact that the Eagles – the team with ZERO Offensive Lineman and the worst tackling Defense ever – has the MOST cap room in the league! The Eagles have $20.1 million banked. Let’s say that again. The Eagles have $20.1 million in cap room! But they’re REALLY dedicated to winning now…(***)

(***)Severe sarcasm alert!

And what are they saving all of that money for? A new coach? A new Quarterback? No. All of that money stays in Jeffrey Lurie’s pockets! That’s why Howie Roseman is in the position he’s in: he’s more than willing to keep the owners’ coffers full, while mistakenly believing the product on the field won’t suffer. And he’s only hurting the fans, so why should he care.

Long story short: as long as Jeffrey Lurie owns this team and Howie Roseman runs this team and dumbshits like Andy Reid coach this team, we will continue to go Lombardi-less. The Philadelphia Eagles ARE the walking dead.

The future seems hopeless.


NOT-SO BREAKING NEWS: It’s Not Easy Being Midnight Green

November 11, 2012

It’s no longer fun to be an Eagles fan.

Week after week, year after year, loss after loss we still get hyped up and go to the Linc. Still spend insane amounts of money and endless hours on this team. Still cheer and care and wish and hope. Still lose our voice – every week! And for what? What’s the point anymore?!

The Eagles flat-out suck. Remember 1998, the year before Reid waddled into town, when they went 3-13? This team is worse. Seriously. They are three – THREE! – plays from being 0-9. A dropped interception, a blown call by the refs and a missed field goal. That’s the difference between 3-6 and 0-9.

Hell, the Eagles’ best player today was Morris Claiborne… Who you may know as the Cowboys’ “stud” rookie Cornerback.

Without Claiborne, the Eagles don’t score one point after their first drive. From the second quarter on, Claiborne was called for FIVE holding or pass interference penalties – four of which gave the Eagles a first down. Three of those penalties led to an Eagles score. Coincidentally, the Eagles didn’t score on any other drive. The only way the Offense was capable of advancing the ball down field was by throwing towards Claiborne’s side and hoping he’d hold or interfere with his man. Which he did. Frequently.

Outside of that… the Birds had NO gameplan.

Of course, we can’t go any further without talking about Nick Foles. He is what he is: a rookie. We really can’t expect anything significant out of him. And even if he did somehow lead this team back to victory today, we have too many bad memories of Bobby Hoying, Ty Detmer and (ugh) Kevin Kolb to take him seriously. But that’s not the issue at hand…

Andy Reid, as he’s wont to do, didn’t help Foles out one bit. He didn’t adjust his playcalling, he didn’t max protect – even though the Eagles currently boast the single worst Offensive Line in football – he didn’t rely on LeSean McCoy to take the heat off the rookie. He didn’t do anything different.

And let’s not forget what happened at the end of the first half. The Eagles Defense (somehow) stopped the Cowboys on third down with 1:30 left in the half… Plenty of time to receive a punt and try to move the ball into field goal range, right? Wrong. Remember, Andy Reid coaches this team.

Instead of calling a timeout(*) and getting the ball back with 90 seconds, Andy allowed the clock to tick down to :50. After wasting 40 seconds for no reason whatsoever – other than to kneel on the ball and go into halftime down 3 – the Offense lined up in shotgun and ran plays. What?! Why?!!?!

(*)Because why call a timeout when you’re SUPPOSED to call a timeout.

That sequence perfectly summed up Andy Reid’s Philadelphia tenure: he doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing.

This was beyond bad clock management and poor coaching. This was a guy who has absolutely no clue and/or simply doesn’t give a shit anymore. Andy Reid has completely checked out, and we’re the ones who are suffering.

Speaking of having no clue… Demetress Bell and King Dunlap need to murder-suicide each other. How either one of them is paid U.S. currency to play football is a mystery. Bell may as well dress for games as a SEPTA turnstile. At least Dunlap is the only Eagles player who can tackle… Oh, wait…

And before we forget, we want to quickly address something that is really bothersome… And no, we aren’t referring to the team drowning out boos by BLASTING shitty music.

Dear Eagles season ticket holders:
If you sell your Dallas game tickets to Cowboys fans, please shove a Tony Romo figurine up your ass and get the fuck out of our city.

This is the third straight year that the Linc has been completely overrun by the scum of the Earth (Cowboys fans) and we are absolutely disgusted. You are a traitor and the worst kind of fan. Save your money, stop buying season tickets and let someone who actually cares go to games. Also, go fuck yourself.

That’s it. We’re pissed. We’ll have more once we digest this latest in a long line of atrocities.

Five straight losses. If Jeffrey Lurie had any balls, he wouldn’t wait until the end of the season… He’d Fire The Walrus today.

Unfortunately, Jeffrey Lurie has no balls.


The 2012 Eagles Magical Mystery Coaching Tour

November 10, 2012

Part 2: The Empire Strikes Back… Once It Fails Somewhere Else.

We’re often asked: Who do you want to coach the Eagles after they fire The Walrus? Frankly, we don’t know… Yet. Which is why we bring you, “The 2012 Eagles Magical Mystery Coaching Tour: The Search For The Next Eagles Head Coach.”
Click here for the first part of our series and an explanation of what we’re looking for in the next leader of the Birds. And remember, Reid’s replacement will come from one of four groups: Former NFL coaches, current NFL coaches, current NFL assistant coaches and college coaches.

Now that we’ve ruled out all the “retired” coaches who could step into the Walrus’ flippers(*), let’s take a look at some of the current NFL coaches we would love to see on the Eagles’ sideline next year.

(*)Just to reiterate: we don’t want Jon Gruden, Bill Cowher, Tony Dungy, Brian Billick or any other coach who’s been out of the game for longer than two years… No matter what Sal Pal says

Looking across the NFL landscape, there are really only a handful of current head men we would want to coach our team(*). Some of them may not surprise you – as we openly adore the brothers Harbaugh – but some will. Let’s start with the elephant in the room: Sean Payton.

(*)And keep in mind, all of these coaches are under contract. Unless they’re fired or free agents after the season – which typically means they failed with their previous team – the Eagles have very little chance of hiring them. And we certainly don’t see Lurie trading a number one pick for a new Head Coach.

According to multiple reports, Payton may be a free agent after this season. As we hinted at in Tuesday’s Walrus Droppings, we would LOVE to see Payton in Philadelphia again – if you recall, he was here in ’97 and ’98 as the Quarterbacks coach under Gruden, who was the coordinator. But it’s highly unlikely that he leaves the Saints. And even if he did, would he really come back to Philly? His family lives in Dallas and if he gets free, Jerry Jones figures to be hot after him.

Even though the Eagles don’t have the Quarterback necessary to run Payton’s Offense – and the fact that we want a Defensive coach – we love Sean Payton’s intangibles. He is a hard-ass, disciplinarian who preaches toughness and tenacity. He’s also been a proven winner wherever he goes and comes from the vaunted Bill Parcells coaching tree. Just like Bill Belichick.

Speaking of The Hoodie… He’s clearly the best coach in the NFL. He’s won three Super Bowls, has kept his team ultra-competitive for a decade and is a flat-out Defensive genius(**). Would we want Lurie to pry him away from the Patriots? Of course. Would it ever happen? When walruses fly. Besides, Belichick is at a point in his career where he’s likely never going to coach another team again. If anything, his next move will to be a franchise-building team president in the mold of Parcells and Mike Holmgren. So let’s just go ahead and rule him out.

(**)Is there any other coach in history who could plug a fourth-string Wide Receiver into a Defensive Secondary and succeed?! That’s like making your Offensive Line Coach the Defensive Coordinator! Oh wait… Nevermind…

Speaking of coaches we can rule out, let’s quickly run through the remainder of current NFL Head Coaches:

Unaccomplished Head Coaches We DEFINITELY Don’t Want:
Ken Whisenhunt, Chan Gailey, Mike Mularkey, Chuck Pagano, Joe Philbin, Pat Shurmur, Jason Garrett, Pete Carroll and Mike Munchak

Sure, some of those guys have been successful coordinators or college coaches – and in the case of Pagano and Philbin – could turn out to be decent Head Coaches in the NFL. Look at how the Colts have rallied around Pagano’s unfortunate illness… That’s telling. It also makes you question why the Eagles didn’t similarly rally around Andy after the loss of his son?

Regardless, we’re not sold on any of these coaches – even Pagano – and we certainly wouldn’t want the Eagles to waste two or three years giving one of these guys a shot. Especially Chan Gailey.

Somewhat-Accomplished-To-Successful Head Coaches We STILL Don’t Want:
Romeo Crennel, John Fox, Gary Kubiak, Norv Turner, Jeff Fisher, Mike McCarthy, Tom Coughlin and Mike Shanahan

Three members of this list have won Super Bowls, but even that’s not enough for us to want Lurie to give them the time of day. Our hatred of Coughlin and Shanahan are well documented, but we’ve never really talked about McCarthy, who may as well be known as Walrus-lite. But at least he’s won something!

As for Fisher, Turner, Kubiak, Fox and Crennel… They are all middling coaches who are better suited to be coordinators than run the whole show. Crennel and Turner are the best examples of this (along with Wade Phillips, who we’ll eventually get to). They’ve all had multiple chances to run teams and, though some have came close to winning a Lombardi(***), none appear capable of leading a team over the top. Yet, owners will continue to hire these under-qualified guys, year after year after year. Hopefully Lurie is smarter than that(****).

(***)Hell, Fisher’s Titans came within a half-yard of beating the Rams in 1999!

(****)Don’t hold your breath.

Accomplished Coordinators Who Have Yet To Prove They Can Be Head Coaches, But May Benefit From A Second Chance:
Dennis Allen, Greg Schiano, Ron Rivera, Jim Schwartz, Leslie Frazier and Marvin Lewis

Here’s where it begins to get tricky. All of these guys are top-notch Defensive Coordinators who were given the reigns to an entire team… A route we would like to see the Eagles take with the next Head Coach. But it doesn’t alway work. At least the first time around.

Allen and Schiano are in their first years, so its hard to judge them… But neither has made an impact the way Harbaugh did in San Francisco. Of course, that doesn’t mean they won’t succeed in Oakland and Tampa Bay, respectively. Both of their teams are mediocre, at the moment, but both show flashes of talent… Especially on Defense. At least the Raiders and Bucs SEEM to be headed in the right direction.

Rivera – who we always liked and were screaming to be the Eagles Defensive Coordinator before they hired Juan – has been a total disaster in Carolina and has made poor decision after poor decision. It’s almost like he learned how to coach from Andy Reid(*****)! Schwartz and Frazier have promising moments, but neither has progressed their team forward enough to warrant true respect. And somehow Lewis is still floundering in Cincinnati after all these years.

(*****)He did.

But guess what… Bill Belichick once failed as the Head Coach of the Cleveland Browns – going 36-44 in five seasons – and then became the greatest Head Coach of the modern era. So, there’s always hope that a coach with little success in one city, can reinvent himself in another. Sometimes coaches need to take their lumps too.

For our purposes, though, we wouldn’t want to see any of these guys get their second shot with the Eagles in 2013. Which leads us to…

Current Coaches We WOULD Want:
Lovie Smith, Mike Smith, Rex Ryan, Mike Tomlin, John Harbaugh and Jim Harbaugh

We know what you’re thinking: “Lovie Smith?! Mike Smith?! REX RYAN?!!!?! What have these guys ever done?” Look, we’re not enormous fans of the either Smith, but they have qualities that we totally admire, and would love to see in Philadelphia. Both are accomplished Defensive coaches (Lovie more so), who have led their respective teams to the top of the NFC through stout Defenses. Sure, the Falcons aren’t especially known for their D, but they’re currently ranked fourth in points per game and have been in the top-10 for Defensive DVOA for the past two years.

As for Lovie… We’re somewhat mixed. We were in Chicago for the Eagles-Bears game in 2010, and Bears fans openly loathed Lovie the same way we do The Walrus. The biggest difference is that his Defenses have always been elite – ranked in the top-4 for Defensive DVOA the past three years. And don’t forget, his team currently boasts the most feared and accomplished Defense in the NFL. Besides, that 2010 Bears team was mostly frustrating on Offense… Which was led by Mike Martz. So, there’s that.

Along with Sean Payton, Tomlin and the brothers Harbaugh – both Jim and John – are the coaches we most desire to lead the Eagles. They all share the same traits: they are tough, hard-nosed and stern coaches, who garner the utmost respect from their players. Their teams have adopted their personalities and play with a edge that we could only dream about having in Philadelphia. And aside from being winners, whose team’s are always competitive, all of these guys feature balanced Offenses, with tough-as-nails, tenacious Defenses. Too bad they will all be in their respective positions for years to come.

Which leaves us with Rex. Clearly one of the most polarizing coaches in the NFL, you either love or hate him. We, obviously, fall on the side of love. Whether it’s due to our undying affection for his father, Buddy, or the enjoyment of his boisterous, profane and usually-insane press conferences, we’re not sure. There is just something about him that is completely endearing and we would love to listen to his loudmouthed bullshit for seasons on end.

But, much like his father, those attributes don’t necessary make for a good Head Coach. Where guys like the Jim Harbaugh and Mike Tomlin can rally entire teams, hiring someone like Rex would require a very good Offensive Coordinator who can complement his Defense and completely run the other side of the ball.

And then there’s this: Rex Ryan is basically the love-child of Andy Reid and Ray Rhodes. He’s loud and brash and blitz-happy, but fat and stubborn and seems to always get in his own way. He hasn’t sniffed a Super Bowl appearance and may have even maxed-out the potential of his current team. If Rex was available tomorrow, would we want the Eagles to hire him? Of course. Do we think he’s the best choice? Not even close.

Which is why the 2012 Eagles Magical Mystery Coaching Tour continues on to its next stop: Current NFL Assistant Coaches.


Walrus Droppings: Adding Insult To Injury

November 6, 2012

While we’re still trying to wrap our heads around what transpired last night in New Orleans and just how bad this Eagles team actually is, let’s take a quick step back.

The other day, we kicked off “The 2012 Eagles Magical Mystery Coaching Tour: The Search For The Next Eagles Head Coach” with a post decrying “retired” NFL coaches. Now, obviously, that was before the Birds dropped a Walrus-sized deuce on the Corporate-Sponsored Superdome carpet, and now there are many more voices chiming in on the “next coach” discussion(*). We’re currently working on part two, which examines current NFL coaches and they’re likelihood of landing in Philadelphia – we’re looking at you Sean Payton… (Unfortunately, you’re turning away and laughing to your friends.) – and will have that for you in the next few days.

(*)Fortunately though, they are heard and respected voices!

ESPN’s Sal Paolantonio, who was on 97.5 The Fanatic with Mike Missanelli this evening, announced his official endorsement for the next coach of the Philadelphia Eagles… Brian Billick?! Seriously.

At first we were surprised, but as Sal Pal explained it, Billick certainly makes sense from a Jeffrey Lurie standpoint. He’s a known commodity that Lurie can sell to the fans, yet he won’t cost the crazy money a Gruden or a Cowher would. And he can coach Offense and coach veterans (Sal’s words). We’d still REALLY prefer to go another route… Especially the Defensive route. Interestingly enough, Paolantonio doesn’t agree.

However, he did bring up a major focal point of our remaining Eagles Magical Mystery Coaching Tour posts: Will the Eagles go with a pedigreed coach or an unknown youngster? On the surface, you’d have to assume the go with the unknown, because that’s how Lurie saves money and that’s how Roseman saves control. Sal Pal seemed to confirm that, but he also wasn’t ruling out a coach with a Super Bowl on his resume. Hence Brian Billick.

You should really listen to the interview, it’s jam-packed with interesting nuggets of Walrusity!

Roseman-Colored Glasses
Another point that Sal and Mike hit on, and a major bit of news that leaked out today… No matter who the next Head Coach may be, he’ll be hired by Howie Roseman, who signed a four-or-five-year extension over the summer , according to the Philadelphia Inquirer’s Jeff McLane. Uggggggggghhhhhhh.

Look, it’s really not surprising at all. He is The Billionaire’s boy, after all, and the man responsible for pushing out Lurie’s long-time best friend, Joe Banner The Devil. This team is Roseman’s to control. As Reid’s on his way out, Roseman’s on his way up and that means he’ll put his own stamp on the franchise with a Head Coach of his choosing. That’s a terrifying thought.

Hell, we’ve already seen the way this guy drafts… And though it’s still way too early to start passing hard judgements on the 2011 and 2012 draft classes, the returns have not been great so far.

We want a COMPLETE AND TOTAL evisceration of the Eagles front office, not the continuation of this fraudulent bullshit. As we said earlier today, we’d rather Lurie move the team away – assuming we’d get the Cleveland deal – and wait three football-less years than deal with his “people” managing the franchise anymore.

Of course, that’s just nonsense though. Lurie and, unfortunately, Roseman are here to stay. Interestingly enough, Sal Paolantonio pointed out, rather emphatically, that Howie leaked this information today to make himself look good. Sounds about right… Especially when you read this report (again from McLane) claiming that an unidentified member of Andy’s staff and/or an Eagles “decision maker” called the Juan firing a “miscalculation.” You don’t say.

The walls are crumbling around The Walrus… It’s a beautiful thing.

The Eagles Can’t Score… Here’s Why
A whole lot of electronic ink has been spilled over the Eagles’ red zone woes, but we turn your attention to the oft-mentioned Bill Barnwell, of Grantland.com, and his phenomenal analysis of an Eagles Offense that has been historically bad inside the 10-yard line(**). That 99-yard pick-six last night? That was the second 90+ yard interception return touchdown the Eagles have given up all year.

(**)An Offense that has scored the fewest first half points in all of football. Seven total first quarter points!

According to Barnwell:

“Turnovers in the red zone that produce touchdowns for the defense simply don’t happen very frequently. From 2007 to 2011, just 12 of the 214 turnovers (5.6 percent) that came on plays that began inside the opposition’s 10-yard line resulted in return touchdowns for the defense. Through the first nine weeks of the 2012 season, there have been 30 such turnovers, and two have been returned for touchdowns. Guess which offense was on the field for both of them? From 2007 to 2011, only one team (the Giants) had more than one turnover inside the opposition’s 10-yard line result in a touchdown return the other way; they had three in five years. In 2012, the Eagles have had two of those plays happen across a stretch of six games. That’s truly remarkable.”

Truly remarkable, indeed. What else is truly remarkable is the amount of points the Eagles have “left on the field” this season. Read the section of Barnwell’s piece titled “The Cost of Vicking,” and you’ll see that Vick’s plethora of turnovers have cost the Eagles approximately 56 points. Says Barnwell:

“It’s enough to turn the Eagles and their NFC-worst minus-50 point differential into a respectable, above-average team.”

And earlier we said that Vick wasn’t even the team’s biggest problem! Ha!

Ladies and gentleman, your 2012 Philadelphia Eagles! It can only get better… Right?!


The Day After: The End Is Near… And It’s Painful To Watch

November 6, 2012

Is there really anything left to say? Honestly… We don’t even have it in us to be angry anymore.

Last night was such an embarrassment – a nationally-televised embarrassment, no less – we simply just don’t give a shit. The Eagles have gone from “the disappointing family member you can’t give up on” to “the disappointing family member you wish was never born.” This is a joke. A sick, twisted, insane joke.

And we actually laughed as Patrick Robinson walked 99-yards into the endzone, after picking off a Brent Celek-tipped pass from Vick at the one-yard line. We cracked up as Jimmy Graham swatted away Eagles defenders the way you or I would brush off gnats. Were we laughing because what we were watching was so humorous? No. It was more like the nervous laughter that comes during a traumatic event, where your body doesn’t know how to react and you lose control.

What a horrible experience. We’d use the word pathetic, but we’re afraid we’ve used up our lifetime quota of the word these past few weeks seasons. This team is flat-out bad. They are awful. They don’t deserve the love and support the fans show them.

We could yell and scream and rant about how terrible Mike Vick is, but he wasn’t even the biggest issue last night! Sure, he was as putrid as he’s been all season and, at this point, should just be removed from the field when the team gets into the redzone. But, it’s not his fault that the coaches CAN’T and/or WON’T make any protection adjustments. It’s not his fault that the Offensive Line is down to college back-ups and XFL-castoffs(*). It’s not his fault that he holds onto the ball long enough to get his chest caved in by unimpeded 300-pound Defensive Linemen… oh, wait…

(*)Remember when that was a thing?!

Yeah, alright, Vick is definitely the problem(**). But he’s definitely not the only one. He’s just the poster boy for this team’s miscalculated makeup. He’s just the face of mediocrity.

(**)As is Marcus Vick, but that’s a WHOLE other story.

Between the redzone clusterfuckery, the Offensive Line Sieve, the Defense that can’t defend – or tackle – and the bumbling coaching staff, this whole damn thing needs to be blown up and rebuilt from scratch. The longer we watched that game, the more we were reminded of how much we hate this team. Besides LeSean McCoy, Celek and maybe DeMeco Ryans and Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie(***), there is no player we care to see remain in midnight green. None.

(***)Though, some of the idiotic mistakes that DRC has made the past few weeks are questionable, at best.

At this point, we’d much rather see Lurie move the team to Los Angeles – provided the city would retain the Eagles “franchise” and receive a new team within three years. Are we kidding? Only slightly(****).

(****)This is something we’ve actually been pining for for years. Basically, it’s the deal Art Modell made with the NFL when he moved the Browns to Baltimore in the 90’s, and would rid us of Jeffrey Lurie forever. Will it happen? Never. Would we kill ourselves without football in Philadelphia for even ONE season? Yes. Would Lurie’s team inevitably win a Super Bowl elsewhere? Without a doubt.

The only silver-lining is that, much like the Mayans, Andy Reid is almost out of time. The nightmare is almost over. The end is near, and the eulogies have begun to come in!

The 2012 Eagles season is seemingly over. But Walrus-hunting season is just beginning! More to come later today.